We Should Have Retired at Twenty-Five!

Now that my husband and I have reached the "golden years of retirement" I've developed the belief that all young couples and young parents should go through retirement when all that free time could be put to better use. Imagine having the time to make last minute decisions to just have fun all day long, to go to the playground with your children, to enjoy relaxing, impromptu dinners out with your spouse, or just to sleep late cuddling your pussycats and each other.

 

Instead of working 9-to-5, or MUCH longer as many did in order to pay the bills, it would have been nice to have FAMILY TIME, to watch your kids grow close up and to laugh with them every day. Oh of course they would have had to go to school but by 3-0'clock it would have been fun, family time. And bedtimes could have been fudged… now our kids are busy with their own jobs and commitments, busy building towards their own eventual retirements and free time.

 

 

My husband and I are enjoying our days together and Thank G-d we do have each other… because that's another thing, there are folks in our age bracket who just aren’t around anymore. So, we got TECHNICALLY old and now we have the time to act on a whim. During the winters and other rough weather while we listen to the weather advisories not to drive, we don't because we don't have to. We hear from our neighbors about how long it took them to get to work because of all the traffic delays… and all we did was stare at the weather out the window and drink a steaming cup of tea.

 

We are so fortunate that our offspring and their other halves do make time for us, for the old folks, but they have commitments and we have to schedule those precious get-togethers to fit their busy schedules. Meanwhile we can wake up with a last-minute plan for the day, we can decide to be lazy or go for a drive just to see the sights. Don't misunderstand, we stay busy, there is always something to do. But it really would have been nice to have had this much free time when we were younger.

 

We are enjoying ourselves and I love being able to spend so much time together with the love of my life, but it still takes getting used to. Hopefully we'll get used to the leisure life for a lot more years.

 

LIFE HAPPENS

 

As we go through life there are many "ups-and-downs". As for the "downs", most times the effect is momentary, and we just get on with life. Some of the "downs" do stay with us such as the loss of a loved one, but many find HEALTHY coping mechanisms and get back to living their lives — never forgetting but managing to move forward. And then there are those who find that they need help… it is not wrong to need help, it doesn't make anyone "less" or "damaged", it is just sometimes we need something more than what we can muster from within (kind of like needing medicine to get over an ailment).

 

We can find HEALTHY forms of help all around us. Sometimes we need to speak with a PROFESSIONAL, a counselor or psychiatrist. Sometimes we can speak with a compassionate and well-meaning friend. Sometimes we find the strength we need to move on within a group-support system; as a friend recently said, "who else should I turn to but people who know EXACTLY what I am going through?" So long as you don't balk at the idea that you are, after all, only human and sometimes need help mending after a trauma, it really doesn't matter so long as you don't ignore your pain and let it fester (again, an analogy, letting an infection continue to grow instead of taking medicine will only cause a lot more problems).

 

We are all different and each one of us, AND ONLY THAT ONE OF US, needs to decide when and how to reach out for help. A method which may work for someone else is not necessarily the right method for all. If you have reached out, whether it is a wise-friend, a PRIVATE support group on social media, an in-person group led by a counselor, or a one-on-one with a Social Worker or Psychiatrist, then it is up to you, AND ONLY YOU, to decide if this is the help you need. If you can feel the healing and strength, then you have probably made the best decision for you. If you aren't feeling some form of relief and mending, then it may be time to move to another step. There is NO weakness in needing AND ACCEPTING help. And again, WHAT WORKS FOR ONE PERSON IS NOT AUTOMATICALLY WHAT EVERYONE ELSE (including you) NEEDS.

 

If you find yourself struggling, there are resources (here are just a FEW):

Online Therapy Services  https://bit.ly/3qGXyT8
Alcoholics Anonymous ~ find help  https://aa.org/
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline  1-800-273-8255
Suicide prevention/Veterans with PTSD  1-800-273-TALK [in the U.S.]
Support for Caregivers  https://bit.ly/3Dw4c24
Grieving the Loss of a Child  https://bit.ly/3ck3DfM

(no endorsements are implied) 

  

Surprise, Not!

 

Sometimes people surprise you… and not always in a good way. You can go months, even years, thinking that you know someone and that person "has your back". And then hard disappointment sets in as you realize, sometimes like a swift kick in the butt, that you have BEEN HAD.

 

What is more painful than realizing that you've been lied to is losing the trust that you might have had in this person. It can even make you doubt your own ability to see and assess the truth. What's worse is not always knowing IF the deceitful person was purposely deceiving you, or did they somehow think they had motives or justification for LYING?

 

You probably thought better of this person, maybe even respected them… perhaps you feel as if you knew better and yet still let them get away with their selfishness and dishonesty. You might even be wondering if you were complicit or encouraged their dishonesty.

 

Stop playing the self-blame game! If you were lied to, it's simple, YOU were the one who was deceived, your trust was abused, and your view could forever be tainted by duplicity. It is very sad if you are actually giving a liar all of that power over you. Then again should we really feel so betrayed or used?

 

So what is the difference between a simple "white lie" and a hurtful, deceitful Lie? And how often have each of us uttered a white lie to protect someone else? We tell white lies every time we plan a surprise birthday party and every time we make a big deal over how good someone looks in their favorite sweater or such.

 

White lies are considered part of the social norm and accepted, even sometimes, expected. Obviously, some lies are "okay"? Maybe we need to examine the intent of each falsehood uttered? Most of us, if not all, have been taught that lying is wrong and yet, how many times we heard known lies coming from the very mouths of those teaching us the value of the truth?

 

A white lie is often told with the best of intentions, it may be told to spare someone's feelings, it may be told not to destroy a surprise, but it is never told to hurt, harm or bolster our own egos. What may be a harmless white lie, one that has been told to protect feelings, is still a lie. And there are some people who see a white lie, even if it's stated for their benefit, as betrayal and insulting that they cannot handle the truth.

 

How much honesty do you expect from the people around you? How much honesty come from the words YOU utter? Aside from words with bad intentions, your white lies may be salve to someone's bruised ego. So how do we know how far we need to go to hide the truth, or should we hide it at all.

 

What are your feelings about lies, is there ever a time it's alright to lie?

 We'd love to hear your take on falsehoods.

 

 

DIRTY POLITICS

Well, I hope that you all voted yesterday in your local elections. While I agree your vote is only one of many voices, it is YOUR VOICE. Any politician who wins by less of a margin that he/she thought there would be, will have to rethink priorities and causes, especially if they are planning on another election down the road. And… if YOU voted (I am addressing those of legal age to vote) then YOU have every right to complain or celebrate the election outcome.

 

What disturbs me every single year during the build-up to the elections are the political ads spread throughout the media — so many of the ads are attacks against the opponents rather than telling potential voters what the candidate himself is bringing to the table. I want to know what YOU (the candidate) bring to the table, what YOU plan to do for me, my town, and whatever level of government you are running for. There is so much misdirection.

 

Even worse than slamming your opponent(s) are the OBVIOUS ads where soundbites have been twisted and melded to create totally false statements which often show your opponent unfavorably. My husband and I were watching television the other night when a political ad came on – it had nothing to do with our state and we don't have any strong opinions about the candidate. HOWEVER, it was more than obvious that the alleged film clip was pieced together, and not very well done at that (the film "jumped" several times and each time the candidate's pose was slightly different!). The result had this candidate supposedly saying something that was NOT in the best interests of his constituents. Now I don't know if or what this candidate said about the subject, but the very fact that someone (an opponent) was outright lying would certainly have made me question if the opponent should even be running.

 

I've always made a habit of researching ALL listed candidates, using multiple sources, to learn a little about their history, their affiliations, and their character. I also look to see if the source of information is sponsored by someone with a political stake and therefore may be slanted. And then I go to cast my vote… and hope for the best.

 

I hope for all of you that the best candidates win. I hope that you will celebrate YOUR choices rather than regret why you voted that way. And mostly, I hope that all the winners will act like true winners and do their absolute best for all of their constituents, and most, if not all, will be satisfied with the results.

 

What does FAMILY mean?

 

Family is more than just a biological connection. It's love and friendship, it's being there when you are needed… and sometimes when the other person doesn't even realize how much they need your comfort and support.

There's the nuclear family, the one you are born into, usually parents and children. Sometimes you are born into the hearts of your parents (adoption). When you are little, this family seems to be your whole world. If you are lucky there are aunts and uncles, cousins, maybe grandparents… As you grow your family takes on other forms, a marriage, your own children, in-laws, and sometimes close friends.

So how do you cope when the people you count on to be there for you as family turn their backs? How far do you push when the other person has no interest in BEING family? It's never easy to close the door on someone you called family, sometimes though they leave you no other options.

I have friends who have been abandoned by those they thought would be there for them in times of turmoil and it's sad. They've told me stories of being excluded from these people's lives and sometimes even getting arguments because they didn't acknowledge an event that they were never even told about.

Sometimes a person whom you accepted as family (maybe they married in) and continued to think of them that way even after the actual blood connection has been lost, may feel the need to "divorce" themselves from that side of the family. It's heartbreaking to lose yet another family member, but there is really nothing you can do about it.

Cling to those who hold you dear and don't waste time on those who seem to have simply forgotten you. Focus on the people who surround you with love and caring, and who allow you in when they need some love and caring as well. THAT is your family.

.

Dealing With Critical People

 

Let's face it, we all know someone like this, someone who seems to find something wrong with everyone around you and often questions why you even bother with "your friends"… sometimes they might even criticize you.

 

Why do they do that? Some of these critics are really very nice and intelligent people so is it really their own low self-esteem that makes them this way as was suggested by a few mental health reporters. How do you deal with their constant barrage of insults and complaints?

 

First LISTEN to what they are saying. I am not saying take it to heart, as a matter of fact you shouldn't take any of their words personally. Some of these people are actually well meaning and seeing the world only they way the want to see it — so they are trying to help, maybe even teach. This doesn't mean you should stay quiet and let their barbs land on you, but don't argue. Tell them calmly that it doesn't make you feel very good when they always criticize you and ask them if they would take the time to explain what they see. Especially if hey are professional in some field that they are referring to  they might actually be helpful.

 

If however the individual takes this as an invitation to berate you even more, then you know they are just "happier" being miserable. And you don't have to put up with that. Tell them firmly, still not angrily, that you will not accept their insults or condemnations. There is a story about Buddha that you might even take to heart:

 

Buddha was well known for his ability to respond to evil with good.  There was a man who knew about his reputation, and he traveled miles and miles and miles to test Buddha. When he arrived and stood before Buddha, he verbally abused him constantly; he insulted him; he challenged him; he did everything he could to offend Buddha.

Buddha was unmoved, he simply turned to the man and said, “May I ask you a question?”

The man responded with, “Well, what?”

Buddha said, “If someone offers you a gift and you decline to accept it, to whom then does it belong?”

The man said, “Then it belongs to the person who offered it.”

Buddha smiled, “That is correct.  So if I decline to accept your abuse, does it not then still belong to you?”

The man was speechless and walked away.

If this person is simply being critical with no attempt at helping or teaching you, or if they are generally critical about everyone they speak about, be kind. Yes it sounds more like they are sensitive about their own performance, or the way they are seen be others. Without being effusive or phony, find something encouraging to say about them… admire an achievement, sincerely ask for their help on something, thank them for their suggestion. It's quite possible you might even see a change in their manner of speaking to you. Still though, if you need to, gently remind them that they may have hurt you with the way they've said something.

 

In the long run you might find even more of a friend than you thought you had before. And, if it doesn't work, then minimize the time you spend alone with this person. It's worth a try.

Giving the World Just a Bit of Yourself

I'm a former (volunteer) EMT and, at least in the state I was certified in, the training for volunteer and career was the same (although the hours were, of course, far different). This was a time of my life that I still take a lot of pride in, almost 30-years' worth of pride. Actually, there were several members of my immediate family who either volunteered or worked in the EMS field. I stopped riding several years before the COVID nightmare and I can't even imagine the stress of the past year-and-a-half; still have active EMS family who did see COVID and its devastation.

 

My "other" career, far longer than my EMS involvement, has been that of a writer. In part a novelist (spicy romantic suspense) and in part a journalist. I enjoy the times I get to write about EMS and especially when I must learn something new about the field in order to properly present it. I write a monthly column in an EMS trade paper and occasionally get to cover, or report on, education and events in emergency response. I enjoy those times I get to immerse myself in a class or discussion, I love hearing about new techniques, protocols, findings and more. I guess Emergency Medical Services has remained a part of me and something that I will never emotionally leave.

 

Both by ZOOM (mostly due to the pandemic), I had the wonderful opportunity to sit in on two different and comprehensive EMS Conferences. It was thrilling for me to listen to the newest advancements and to understand the EMS community a little bit more. I loved hearing about Community Paramedicine, record keeping, stress of the job, and even newer equipment to help make the job "easier". It's true that this time in my life has completely changed me forever — I feel pride, accomplishment, understanding, what it means to be a part of a team, and especially about human emotions from birth to death, quite literally.

 

EMS was not the first community organization that I ever volunteered for, as a young adult I devoted four-and-a-half years with the Auxiliary Police in the city I grew up in. I felt a lot of pride there too, and again I wasn't the only member of my family; I had followed my dad's lead… and as a bonus, that's where my husband and I found each other! Although in this case the training was nowhere as comprehensive and disciplined as the employed law enforcement, it was still pretty thorough for the duties we were trained to assume. It was a very rewarding experience to give back to the community where I grew up.

 

While I certainly don't expect everyone else to have had the same passions as I did, I do respect EVERYONE who have given, and possibly still do, of themselves and their time to better their communities and help their neighbors. Can you imagine a world where everyone took a part in making it better, safer, happier? Can you imagine the fulfillment those people feel when they see a child that they tutored make Communion or their Bat Mitzvah? Imagine the happiness of seeing a family hug each other after a daring rescue? Or imagine seeing hope on an old woman's face as you take the time to sit with her as she eats her very welcomed dinner?

 

Everything someone can do for their neighbors, their country, and their world makes such a difference for both the recipients of their kindness and for the giver himself or herself. If we all found SOMETHING to do, to contribute and to feel pride in doing, it is worth more than any dollar figure or bronze statue. Sometimes it doesn't take a whole lot of effort, an extra grocery bag dropped off at a food pantry, a committee member who makes sure that shut-ins know about useful programs, an interested adult who coaches children in softball… so many things we can do for others and, in the long run, for ourselves.

 

Kudos to ALL the volunteers. THANK YOU!