I don't believe any one has gone
through life who hasn't wished they could change something in their past. For
me the most dangerous time to think about the things I WISH I could re-do
differently are the quiet hours of the night when I can't sleep and I am alone, IN MY HEAD, to think and dwell… and sometimes cry.
Was I a good daughter? My parents
died so early into my adult years that I've had a lot of time to wonder about that
one. Every child and parent has squabbles over, what now seems many years
later, to have been inconsequential matters, things that have no importance
now. I know that as a fully grown adult and a parent myself — and yet, in what
I refer to as my "Dark Hours" I keep wondering if I spent enough time
with them, made them proud of me. Maybe I shouldn't have waited to help them
fulfill a "dream' they both had of a renewal of wedding vows before a
Rabbi (they had been married by a Justice of the Peace) – I was waiting for
another milestone anniversary, but my dad died before their 32nd
anniversary and my mom less than two years later.
Was I a good mom to my own
offspring? Could I have set a better example, spent more time with them, helped
them with their homework more? I worry, and yet both our daughter and son grew
into incredible human beings despite me. Have I been a good wife to my husband?
He's been my best friend since our marriage, actually before, almost 46 years ago
and we say "I love you" to each other more than once a day. Yes,
we've had spats, but… Again, in my "Dark Hours" I fret.
Yet, there is nothing I can do to
re-do or un-do my yesterdays. Ironic that the expression some use is
"You've made your bed" when that is exactly where I am lying and
TRYING to sleep next to my slumbering husband when I have my "Dark
Hours". Sometimes I will lie awake for hours just dwelling on all the
things I cannot change and all of my uncertainties surface.
In the morning, however, I wake
(sometimes after very little sleep) to face a new day and I actually feel ready
and capable to tackle it. After all, TODAY is the ONLY day I have some control
over. As Mother Theresa said, "Yesterday is gone, tomorrow has not yet
come. We have only today, let us begin."
I wish you few "Dark
Hours", many restful nights, and the happiness of a promised tomorrow.
No comments:
Post a Comment