What exactly is “NORMAL”?

I just spent some time on Facebook reading (and sometimes responding) the many discussions about Dr. Ford and Kavanaugh and his nomination to the Supreme Court. Before I go further, this is NOT a political statement and is not a condemnation of either individual — this is an observation (and some frustration) about other people’s perceptions and comments.

The facts: Christine Blasey Ford came forward with an allegation of an assault that (allegedly) happened while they were both in high school in the 1980s and was not disclosed to anyone until 2012, has never been brought to the police, and is now being highly publicized with the nomination of Brett Kavanaugh to a SCOTUS position. The White House originally refused an FBI investigation, but the house judiciary committee did finally schedule a hearing to hear both sides before any vote takes place.

On Thursday of this past week millions of viewers were glued to the television set watching as Dr. Ford recounted her story and answered numerous, sometimes rough, questions; then Brett Kavanaugh testified, denying all allegations that have been made against him. It was an emotional day for viewers as well as they people involved; many viewers decided not to watch fearing that it would be too “triggering”, indeed RAINN reported calls from sexual abuse victims nearly doubled after the televised event. (After the hearing it was decided to have an FBI investigation “of limited scope and lasting no longer than one week” before voting on Kavanaugh’s nomination.)

The Facebook debate that riled me most was one where a woman stated her doubt about Dr. Ford’s validity because she wasn’t “the normal shrinking flower” after such an assault. She also added unequivocally that IF the assault actually took place the length of time that it took to be reported at all made Ford (and other victims who delay) GUILTY of every assault that took place after!

So how exactly should a woman (or man) react after being sexually assaulted? What is the NORMAL SHRINKING FLOWER (a derogatory term in itself) like? When I wrote my book Bartlett’s Rule about a rape survivor and the man who fell in love with her I gathered (anonymous) info from several survivors, not one of them reacted the same way as another. There were some who said they didn’t report the incident because: some were filled with undue shame and guilt; some worried they might not be believed; and some were made to believe they “asked” for what had happened”. Some who did call the police did not feel that they had reached a sympathetic ear or were terrified when told they would have to testify in front of strangers and their assailant. Many chose not to say anything for years and then only opened up to a few who they felt should know. So which way was NORMAL?

Some victims can’t talk about an assault at all. Some try to deny it ever happened, they have to find a way to accept it was real and then TRY to find a way to move on. Sometimes moving on means not wanting to relive it because isn’t that what a victim does when questioned by police, hospital personnel or an opposing lawyer? Maybe, MAYBE, if the perpetrator is prosecuted and jailed, other victims might be saved, but the original victim is being “re-assaulted” with each retelling; and what happens if the alleged perpetrator winds up free and on the street anyway? One rape victim I spoke with was told by a supposed friend that she “probably asked for it, so stop whining”, this woman was filled with self-doubt and even self-imposed-guilt for years — do not add to her suffering by blaming her for what the rapist, and only the rapist, was guilty of doing! ? Coming forward after such a personally destructive incident takes immeasurable courage and strength.

This particular poster also cited The Innocence Project multiple times, I don’t know what her experiences might have been with this very worthwhile group, she herself wasn’t that forthcoming. No one can deny that sometimes the wrong people do go to jail. It is my personal assumption that most of those wrongly convicted were not deliberate, vengeful attacks, but rather innocent and tragic mis-identifications, or questionable evidence. Most crimes are only obvious to the people immediately involved (and a Higher Power if you believe) and no matter how convincing later testimony may be, the only way to POSSIBLY learn the truth is with a thorough investigation and open minds.

Hopefully the FBI investigation, limited in time and scope, of Dr. Ford’s accusations and Brett Kavanaugh’s denials will allow the truth to surface and perhaps justice will be done.

Hashtag-Me-Too ~ #MondayBlogs

RAINN and other well-known sources have been citing appalling statistics about sexual assault and abuse in America since 1994. However it wasn’t until 2016 and 2017 when a deluge of sexual assault/abuse/harassment allegations against famous personalities came to the forefront that most people started mouthing the words, “I can’t believe how many allegations...” Earlier this year Facebook saw a huge amount of their members posting #MeToo representing those of us who suffered in silence and in solidarity; most posters were women although several men joined in as well.

Do you feel as if you’ve been bombarded by the amount of women, men and (former) children who have stepped up with their stories of abuse? According to RAINN’s most recent facts “1 out of every 6 American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime” and “About 3% of American men have experienced an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime.” There are even more disturbing facts when you consider that “From 2009-2013, Child Protective Services agencies substantiated, or found strong evidence to indicate that, 63,000 children a year were victims of sexual abuse.” For more statistics visit https://www.rainn.org/statistics/scope-problem .

Have these numbers bothered you yet? Think about the teen-age girls traveling the NYC subways during rush hour, when bodies are jam-packed against one another and suddenly there is a hand exploring their genital area (or worse) — I know this happened often to my travel companions and myself during our high school years. There are too many stories about women being propositioned in return for otherwise well-deserved work promotions and far too many stories where the advances were turned down and yet the word NO held no meaning. Of course most of us are highly offended hearing about children who were molested by that favorite “Uncle” (or “Aunt”) and then dismissed when they tried to tell Mommy and Daddy. I know there are horror stories about men being victimized by women as well and also same-sex assaults.

There is a sad sickness in our society when a woman is blamed for getting raped because she was walking home alone at night, or when a 14-year old child “allows” an adult to liberties. How twisted is the logic that believes a prisoner in jail, even for minor infractions, “deserves” to be raped? And why do we find different standards and excuses based on someone’s political position, financial status, being a movie star, or his/her skin color or sexual preference? How can any decent human being believe that a woman who doesn't want it and fights cannot be raped?! Why do some states treat marital rape, even though illegal in all 50 states, different when it comes to punishment? And why are there so many complaints about college administrations who hide the incidence of rape and sexual assault rather than pursuing full police investigations and arrests?

I am aware that there will be someone reading this who will offer up the possibility of false accusations and the permanent damage that can cause the unjustly blamed. Yes, false accusations can cause lifetime trauma leading to broken marriages, loss of employment and even worse. But I honestly believe that the actual incidence of rape and unwanted sexual encounters, even those that are not prosecuted, are far more common than false allegations; in this instance we hope that the law and juries can see through to the truth. But I will admit feelings of anger when the reaction to an accusation is automatically greeted with the assumption that the victim is crying “wolf”.

Knowing how many of us were compelled to post “#MeToo” is sad. And learning how many rape and assault survivors have felt they had to keep silent because their character would be questioned or condemned is tragic.

…just my thoughts,
Chelle Cordero,
author of The Survivor Series: Bartlett’s Rule & Courage of the Heart

                                                                                                   

...

Yes, I’m Angry ~ #MondayBlogs

Yes, I am angry… and you should be too.

Sex can be great when it is something that BOTH parties want, but let’s not sugarcoat the ugly — sexual ABUSE is not great for anyone.

Sexual abuse, whether it is the stranger fondling someone on a crowded subway, forcing someone to perform a non-intercourse sex act, or a #NoMistakingItForWhatItIs rape is abuse and is wrong.

If you have to threaten someone with a weapon, physical strength, emotional blackmail or threats of punishment (of the victim or someone else) in order to “score”, then it is RAPE, ABUSE, WRONG. Clothing, intoxication, the hour of the day or night, or even a history of previous relations is NOT an invitation to get laid. The word NO means IT AIN’T HAPPENING. The inability to say no, or to say anything, means IF I CAN’T CONSENT, YOU DON’T HAVE PERMISSION. Rape is not a mistake, it is a malicious act. And rape is not even sex, it is a sick need for domination. And one more thing, REAL men do not rape, EVER.

Now be aware that rape and sexual abuse can happen to women or men, girls or boys. And sexual abuse can be instigated by men or women. Since I am a woman though I am using the female’s POV.

Most acts of rape or sexual abuse go unreported; many times this is due to shame, the belief that no one will believe the victim, that no one DOES believe the victim (schools are notorious for this), or that the victim is somehow convinced that SHE ASKED FOR IT. Sometimes it takes time before the victim can talk about it and it is long after rape kits can add validity. Sometimes the act can never be spoken about because that is just the way the victim has found to cope. Most times, thankfully, the victim moves on and survives and finds a way to work around the triggers that haunt her for the rest of her life. And sometimes the victim simply denies that she was ever abused… why? Because she couldn’t go on living if she admits it.

Sometimes rape is reported, immediately or shortly after, and the rapist is taken into custody… sometimes even the case does go to court. And invariably the victim is the one who is on trial, lawyers bring up the victim’s social conduct, the clothes she wore, brings in previous lovers to prove promiscuity, and G-d help her if she was ever abused in the past, they will use that to “prove” a pattern where the victim obviously enjoys it.

Of course not all is gloom, we do have a rare conviction now and then and a really fair and impartial judge acknowledges that a young man’s sports accomplishments would be ruined by a long imprisonment so he sends the guy to jail for a whole six months (with good behavior he’s out in three). And the judges who realize how charging a young man with rape could ruin his entire future now that is priceless.

Sigh, one more rant. I am aware that sadly not every report of rape is true, but false reports are extremely rare. There is the occasional set-up, publicity seeker, or woman who is looking to cover her tracks and lie about an illicit evening. And to these women, rare though it may be — your impact is huge and you may as well be raping these victims all over again, because each time your lies are exposed, more true and HONEST victims are doubted and made to suffer again. So congratulations for being part of the pain, I hope you can sleep well… even though you don’t deserve it.

If you have been victimized, you are not alone, you are not wrong and you have nothing to be ashamed of. If you care for someone who has been raped or abused you are not to be blamed. For more information on the ugly truth about sexual abuse, incest, and rape you can go here: https://www.rainn.org/after-sexual-assault and for support check out http://www.aftersilence.org/ or call the WOAR 24 Hour Hotline: 215-985-3333. You can Google regional support groups closer to your location if needed.

 You are not alone. You are not a lost cause. You can heal.

…

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month

"Rape is not just a woman's problem. Nor is rape something that happens to someone else, somewhere else. It happens everywhere, every day, and every minute to girls and women of all ages. Family and friends of victims are also affected.

We are all affected: rape is the result of a culture that promotes male dominance and views women as inferior beings. It's the extreme expression of a continuum of sexist behaviors that inhibit women from having equal access to opportunities; these behaviors range from sex-role stereotyping and sexist remarks and jokes to sex-based discrimination and, ultimately, to actual sexual harassment and violence against women." (http://www.sa.psu.edu/uhs/sexassault/assault.cfm)

http://www.rainn.org/statistics

In Honor of
Sexual Assault Awareness Month
April 1 - April 30, 2009

Vanilla Heart Publishing
has an amazing selection of E-books
available to help increase awareness
and offer comfort to survivors
at greatly reduced prices

~Sets~
Bartlett's & Survivors ~ $10 each ~ Courage & Strength / Man

Namid's books ~ $5 each

See my Xanga Blog for more information on
Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month

Why I wrote Bartlett's Rule

“Every two and a half minutes, somewhere in America, someone is sexually assaulted” www.rainn.org

That is a terribly frightening statistic. Dispel other misconceptions, rape happens more often than just the back alley stranger with a weapon. According to statistics, 73% of rape victims know their assailant, often there is no weapon used other than fear and force, many sexual crimes are not reported, and sexual assault and rape can happen to all ethnic groups, to women AND men, all ages and all economic stations.

Whether you realize it or not, it is more than likely that you personally know at least one survivor of sexual assault.

Rape and sexual assault are traumas which leave lasting effects, it never goes away. The act will forever have an effect on the survivor’s life and on those around her/him. Living through the assault or rape and finding a way to live life afterwards is what makes a survivor; not letting the assailant steal more from your life is one of the bravest acts a survivor can accomplish.

I am a romantic at heart, but also a realist – I know that it takes work, A LOT of work, to make a relationship strong. Every couple will be faced with challenges, sometimes those obstacles seem too great to cope with. Catering to my idealistic and romantic streak, I wanted to create a couple that is able to face and ultimately conquer a more than simple obstacle. This creation led to Lon, with his image imposed expectations, and Paige, with a troubled past and determination.

Once I developed my main characters, the words to my story seemed to flow and sometimes I even surprised myself with the twists that just seemed to develop. Lon and Paige really wrote their own story, I only threw in a few extra characters and helped keep them on track. Shortly after I finished my story, a friend told me about a new publisher and I decided to take a chance and send a query letter.

Inspiration will strike at the least expected times, looking out the car window as my husband conquers city streets, newspaper articles, my own adolescent diary, and people-watching but not necessarily listening. I always play “What if?” and I always manage to come up with many, MANY possibilities.

from the back of Bartlett's Rule

Paige Andrews, the heroine of the fictional tale Bartlett's Rule, is a rape survivor. Paige and her hero, Lon Bartlett, have to learn to love and trust each other despite her past and his womanizing reputation.

Rape is a very real and tragic occurence. That is why, at the end of the story, I included a fact sheet (information courtesy of RAINN)

~Chelle

A FEW FACTS ABOUT RAPE AND SEXUAL ASSAULT

Every two and a half minutes, somewhere in America, someone is sexually assaulted.

Rape: Rape is forced sexual intercourse, including vaginal, anal or oral penetration. Penetration may be by a body part or an object.
Rape victims may be forced through threats or physical means. In about 8 out of 10 rapes, no weapon is used other than physical force. Anyone may be a victim of rape: women, men or children, straight or gay.

Sexual assault: Sexual assault is unwanted sexual contact that stops short of rape or attempted rape. This includes sexual touching and fondling. (But, be aware: Some states use this term interchangeably with rape.)

Incest: Incest is sexual contact between persons who are so closely related that their marriage is illegal (e.g., parents and children, uncles/aunts and nieces/nephews, etc.). This usually takes the form of an older family member sexually abusing a child or adolescent.

Approximately 73% of rape victims know their assailant, according to the 2005 National Crime Victimization Survey
Approximately 38% of victims are raped by a friend or acquaintance;
26% of victims by a stranger;
28% of victims by an intimate;
7% of victims by another relative;
in 2% of cases the relationship is unknown.

If you have been sexually assaulted, there may be medical concerns that arise both immediately following the assault and much later. If you were sexually assaulted recently, it's a good idea to go to a doctor to be checked out for possible injuries or complications.

All the statistics and information above are courtesy of RAINN, the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network.

For more information and help, go to http://www.rainn.org/ or call 1.800.656.HOPE (4673)

To purchase Bartlett's Rule