D-I-V-O-R-C-E

Divorce isn’t a subject you would expect a romance writer to write about… but actually we do. In my novels there have been a few cases where the hero or heroine is divorced. Jake in FINAL SIN, Laynie in COMMON BOND, TANGLED HEARTS, Dave in KARMA VISITED, and Annie in ANNIE’S KARMA; I also had a divorcee in my short story THE VACATION. Basically the rate of divorced characters in my novels is close to the national (expected) rate of divorce — “The marriage breakup rate in America for first marriage is 41% to 50%”.

Although statisticians have noted that the divorce rate has gone downward in more recent years (due to couples getting married at older ages, higher education and financial independence, and more couples living together without marriage, etc.), what breaks a marriage up? Obviously some folks just aren’t “right” for each other and may have gotten hitched because “everybody else was doing it”, sometimes unexpected pressures/tragedies put serious strains on the relationship, interference from outside sources (in-laws? friends?), and sometimes people just grow-apart as they grow-up. Two people can never really be in total agreement about everything, not if they retain their individuality, and it would be kind of boring if they never had different opinions, but if you can’t move past those differences it doesn’t bode well. Unfortunately statisticians also noted that there is an even higher risk of divorce the second time around, possibly that is because “once burnt” means someone’s defensiveness is up.

So can we find love with a divorcee? I believe in the possibility of Happy-Ever-After’s, but I also believe it’s worth understanding what went wrong in their first (or subsequent) marriage. Having seen divorces happen to people I know, my personal observations tend to make me believe that outside interference is a huge risk factor. A meddlesome mother-in-law who can’t let go of her son, a father who pressures his child into a family business that makes him/her miserable, siblings or friends who insert themselves into personal matters and instigate arguments… While I am a firm believer in marital counseling, it can help couples see beyond their alleged differences, it doesn’t always save a marriage.

Aside from finding out what went wrong in the first marriage, and many times you can rely on simple verbal honesty, I would say beware someone who is hiding information or purposely keeping you away from other past friends or family (who might be able to tell you a different story). Also listen to the ex-spouse but don’t necessarily take her/his word as truth. Definite red-flags to note, if anyone suggests that your intended may have been abusive, carefully watch how he/she treats you (not all abuse is physical); if there are children involved in the past relationship, is responsibility being taken (not just financially), this is especially important if you hope to have children with this individual; and of course, if your intended cheated (with you or someone else), you might have a problem.

I think the most important red flag to watch for is did he/she actually let go of the ex-spouse? I have seen it happen where one person said they were divorced when in reality the divorce wasn’t finalized because one of them never signed or it was hung up in a lawyer’s office because there was a disagreement on the settlement of property, alimony or even child care. Make sure that your chosen one is free to begin a new relationship (even if you’re both willing to put the formal ceremony off for a while). Even if a civil divorce can be proven, be aware that there are some religious divorce requirements as well and for any number of reasons one party may be avoiding doing what is right after being married in a religious manner — and why would anyone want to marry a man (or woman) who is still hanging on to their “ex” spouse? And especially if someone is avoiding getting the religious divorce in order to make their ex miserable, would you really want to marry someone who is that spiteful?

Judaism, Islam, and Christianity (for example) require certain procedures in order to release each party from the marriage commitment and enable each to marry someone else if they choose. In a Jewish divorce a husband must submit a written form, known as a “Get”, to his wife as proof of their divorce, without it neither one of them should be able to marry again, but if he is withholding the Get for spite, chances are he is also lying to his new wife (only the man can provide the Get). In an Islamic (Muslim) divorce, the civil divorce (if there was a civil marriage) holds no bearing on the ability to remarry as a Muslim; a lawyer familiar with Islamic precepts must work with the couple’s Iman to create an equitable parting of the ways and possessions. A Catholic divorce will not allow either partner to remarry in the Church, the marriage must be “annulled” which basically denies that the couple was ever married in the sacraments of the church. So make sure that your intended partner is truly free to marry you and is honest from the beginning.

Even with all of this talk about divorce, this romance writer is still a romantic-at-heart. I believe in second chances and true love. I also believe that any commitment, partnership, marriage, or whatever you are calling your relationship, needs to be founded on truth and trust. My parents were married for almost 32-years when my dad suddenly passed away and I truly believe they would still be married and very much in love if they were both still around; the day my mom died there was a cloud in the sky that looked like a staircase to heaven and I’m sure that my dad was waiting at the top as my mom went to him. No marriage is perfect, there will always be disagreements and sometimes tears, but when you put each other first, when you like yourself as well, and when you are openly honest and communicating, then each year is special and life can be pretty wonderful.

#LoveWins

What makes a marriage? ~ #MondayBlogs

How do some marriages last while others simply seem to flare and then die out?

After being married for more than 40 years I may not have the ultimate answer, but I do know what has worked for me. A married couple needs to be many things to each other and for each other.

In my own marriage we have been (and are) lovers, friends, co-parents (2 and 4 legged children), business partners, confidants, “counselors”, co-conspirators, roommates, caretakers, tender hand-holders, escorts, and often devil’s advocate.

No matter how passionate, loving, and fun your union may start out, life happens, and when life’s changes and obstacles get in the way, your focus and needs can change as well. I believe the balance to a solid marriage has to do with being able to step in and out of the myriad of roles you’ve assumed so that even when you are too tired for sex, don’t want to find adventure, or need to adjust to the changing world around you there will still be something solid for you to hold on to.

Not every couple works together as business partners, but marriage still needs to be a partnership sharing the responsibilities, the decisions and the fruits together. No one said everything has to be an even 50/50; sometimes you don’t feel up to giving 50-percent and other times you believe you can take on the world. Your spouse needs to support you mentally and sometimes physically and financially. Trust me when I say it is fun to make dinner together, to go shopping together and share housework (in and out of the house). Joint ventures, whether it is running business or running your home, gives you a combined sense of accomplishment and camaraderie.

There are going to be disagreements and even anger, face it, you didn’t marry yourself (and you probably wouldn’t want to) so there will be differences of opinion. Sometimes you’ll get angry when it may seem as if the differences can’t get resolved. Chances are the anger and possible disappointment may affect your passion, your sex-life, or your comfortable companionship — these are the times to let another aspect of your relationship take over. Talk about decisions you may have coming up, the car you have to replace or even the candidate you plan to vote for; work towards a mutual goal like painting that room you’ve been talking about getting done; and this may be the ideal time to plan some family time with the children and a local amusement park.

The main thing to have in any marriage is unity, togetherness and mutual respect. No marriage is perfect and you’re going to go through rough spots. Learn to rely one of the other roles in your marriage to get you through so that you’re not feeling alone. You are a couple so act together, and be together.

The truth is that it is a very rare occurrence when one person can provide all the needs for another; this is what platonic friends are for, to help fill out the gaps. You should never let yourself rely more strongly on your friends than you do on your partner though. Too many young couples nowadays get married assuring themselves that if things go wrong they can always get a divorce. Some marriages may not be meant to last and separation or divorce may be the smartest option, but there should be no reason to plan on it from the get-go! Be a Jack-of-all-trades when it comes to marriage, be prepared to assume different roles for each other and you will find that your marriage will never have reason to fizzle out.

A Parent's Joy & Final Sin

During a private moment between Jake and Julie in the novel Final Sin, Jake tells Julie how he didn't live up to his mother’s expectations. Julie suggests that his mom just likes to complain but that she loves her children anyway.

Isn't that was a parent is supposed to do? Love their children and to kvell (Yiddish, “to be delighted”, “bursting with pride”) over every milestone and accomplishment. A child doesn't have to win every competition or accomplish the seemingly impossible to earn his parents’ praise and love.

Parents can take joy in every birthday, graduation (even from grade school), every time their daughter is on stage even if it is not a lead role, a new job, a new home, a marriage,… every little thing that is not so little to the parent watching an offspring blossom. Parents simply enjoy watching a child grow.

It should never be about a competition, a comparison, or winning – every time a child shows a personal best, it is a huge accomplishment; every milestone in a child’s life is to be celebrated; every recognition is to be applauded. When all is said and done, the joy and happiness is a parents’ privilege.

             "Tell me more about you.  I want to know you."  She spread her hand against his chest.  "Tell me what you were like as a child.  What's your family like?"

            He shrugged slightly.  "I was just an ordinary boy, nothing special."

            "I don't believe that.  There is certainly nothing ordinary about you now."

            "Nobody expected anything great out of me.  At least I didn't let them down."

            "I think you are underestimating yourself.  I think you are kind of great."

            He gave her shoulders a gentle squeeze.  "My parents weren't thrilled when I got together with Helen.  They thought I was, well, thinking with the wrong brain."  Jake sighed.  "I think they were surprised when I decided to work towards my degree anyway."

            Julie yawned.  "Oh, I'm sorry. That was rude."

            "You need your sleep."

            "No, I want to hear about you."  She was fighting to stay awake.  "How did they feel when you got divorced?  Did your folks like her?"

            "I don't really know how my dad felt, he never really said.  Maybe he was just too busy letting my mom do the talking… I embarrassed her, I was the first to get divorced in the family.  I don't think my mother liked her, she just felt that once I was married, I should have stayed that way."

            "Is your sister married?"

            "Well… that was another reason for my mom to complain.  My sister has a partner, a same sex partner."  His mother's lament was having a son who couldn't keep a wife and a daughter who didn't choose a man.  "My sister and her partner came out, they're lesbians."  Jake wondered if he was just trying to see how Julie would react to that.  She didn't flinch.

            She looked up at him in the darkened shadows.  "And your parents didn't approve?  How about you?"

            "I guess I was a little uncomfortable at first, I had never known anyone, really known that is, who was… homosexual."  He shifted a bit.  "But then I went out to visit them, they live in California, and they are really happy together.  Maggie makes my sister really happy and that's important to me."

            "That's good."  She sounded like she was beginning to drift off.  "Everyone should have a good person to love."

            Jake held her close to him.  He thought about the disappointment he was to his mother and father.  And he thought about his ex-wife and how different she was from Julie.  Jake wondered briefly how different his life might have been if he had met Julie first.  Right, he thought, then he'd probably be in jail for child molestation!

            Then he thought about how special Julie made him feel.  Jake realized that he had never really spent a lot of time thinking about how he felt, he just did the things he had to do each day.  Since meeting Julie, though, he did think about how good it felt to be with her, to hear her voice and how everything seemed to fit in place when she was around.

            "Your mom probably just likes to complain.  I bet she really loves both of her kids."  When she spoke again, she sounded like she was almost asleep.  "And Helen is just a fool who seems very unhappy with herself."

            It was uncanny how Julie seemed to get inside his head just then.