Although statisticians have noted
that the divorce rate has gone downward in more recent years (due to couples
getting married at older ages, higher education and financial independence, and
more couples living together without marriage, etc.), what breaks a marriage
up? Obviously some folks just aren’t “right” for each other and may have gotten
hitched because “everybody else was doing it”, sometimes unexpected
pressures/tragedies put serious strains on the relationship, interference from
outside sources (in-laws? friends?), and sometimes people just grow-apart as
they grow-up. Two people can never really be in total agreement about
everything, not if they retain their individuality, and it would be kind of
boring if they never had different opinions, but if you can’t move past those
differences it doesn’t bode well. Unfortunately statisticians also noted that
there is an even higher risk of divorce the second time around, possibly that
is because “once burnt” means someone’s defensiveness is up.
So can we find love with a
divorcee? I believe in the possibility of Happy-Ever-After’s, but I also believe
it’s worth understanding what went wrong in their first (or subsequent)
marriage. Having seen divorces happen to people I know, my personal
observations tend to make me believe that outside interference is a huge risk
factor. A meddlesome mother-in-law who can’t let go of her son, a father who
pressures his child into a family business that makes him/her miserable,
siblings or friends who insert themselves into personal matters and instigate
arguments… While I am a firm believer in marital counseling, it can help
couples see beyond their alleged differences, it doesn’t always save a
marriage.
Aside from finding out what went
wrong in the first marriage, and many times you can rely on simple verbal
honesty, I would say beware someone who is hiding information or purposely
keeping you away from other past friends or family (who might be able to tell
you a different story). Also listen to the ex-spouse but don’t necessarily take
her/his word as truth. Definite red-flags to note, if anyone suggests that your
intended may have been abusive, carefully watch how he/she treats you (not all
abuse is physical); if there are children involved in the past relationship, is
responsibility being taken (not just financially), this is especially important
if you hope to have children with this individual; and of course, if your
intended cheated (with you or someone else), you might have a problem.
I think the most important red flag
to watch for is did he/she actually let go of the ex-spouse? I have seen it
happen where one person said they were divorced when in reality the divorce wasn’t
finalized because one of them never signed or it was hung up in a lawyer’s office
because there was a disagreement on the settlement of property, alimony or even
child care. Make sure that your chosen one is free to begin a new relationship
(even if you’re both willing to put the formal ceremony off for a while). Even
if a civil divorce can be proven, be aware that there are some religious
divorce requirements as well and for any number of reasons one party may be avoiding
doing what is right after being married in a religious manner — and why would
anyone want to marry a man (or woman) who is still hanging on to their “ex”
spouse? And especially if someone is avoiding getting the religious divorce in
order to make their ex miserable, would you really want to marry someone who is
that spiteful?
Judaism, Islam, and Christianity (for
example) require certain procedures in order to release each party from the
marriage commitment and enable each to marry someone else if they choose. In a Jewish
divorce a husband must submit a written form, known as a “Get”, to his wife as
proof of their divorce, without it neither one of them should be able to marry
again, but if he is withholding the Get for spite, chances are he is also lying
to his new wife (only the man can provide the Get). In an Islamic (Muslim) divorce,
the civil divorce (if there was a civil marriage) holds no bearing on the
ability to remarry as a Muslim; a lawyer familiar with Islamic precepts must
work with the couple’s Iman to create an equitable parting of the ways and
possessions. A Catholic divorce will not allow either partner to remarry in the
Church, the marriage must be “annulled” which basically denies that the couple was
ever married in the sacraments of the church. So make sure that your intended
partner is truly free to marry you and is honest from the beginning.
Even with all of this talk about
divorce, this romance writer is still a romantic-at-heart. I believe in second
chances and true love. I also believe that any commitment, partnership, marriage,
or whatever you are calling your relationship, needs to be founded on truth and
trust. My parents were married for almost 32-years when my dad suddenly passed
away and I truly believe they would still be married and very much in love if
they were both still around; the day my mom died there was a cloud in the sky
that looked like a staircase to heaven and I’m sure that my dad was waiting at
the top as my mom went to him. No marriage is perfect, there will always be disagreements
and sometimes tears, but when you put each other first, when you like yourself
as well, and when you are openly honest and communicating, then each year is special
and life can be pretty wonderful.
#LoveWins
