The Way We Grieve ~ #MondayBlogs

September is an emotional month for many, there are the memories of 9/11 and all the lives lost and so many of us, even those fortunate not to be personally touched, still tear up and mourn the loss of lives and innocence. This year the Jewish Holy Days of Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur happened in September; on Yom Kippur we (Jews) say a memorial prayer for the departed and remember our loved ones who are no longer with us on this earth. There are also other times throughout the year for us to remember and pay homage to those who have left their earthly presence.

Why do we keep reminding ourselves of these losses? It is important to remember our loved ones and even the ancestors we never met except for the stories we were told. We hold onto our memories, but we are not supposed to drown ourselves in sorrow. We are not supposed to stop living. In the memorial prayer we say on Yom Kippur we pledge charity in the name(s) of our departed loved ones to bring some good into the world. Life goes on.

There are natural stages of grief and most of us really have to take the journey, it's just being human:

1. Denial and Isolation

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

Some casual family friends recently suffered an unexpected loss. Their large extended family and good friends immediately encircled the grieving family being there to show their love, lend shoulders, carry tissues, cook and care for the mourners. Their pain over their loss was there, but the feeling of being left alone in the world wasn't. Like a child who fears losing his or her parents, those left behind wonder who will be there to take care of us, to comfort us, to guide us and it doesn't matter what age you are or how independent you've lived your life.

People who come to pay their respects don't always know what to say to someone who is mourning. Talk about the person, share your memories (memories to mentally hold onto are the most precious gift). Don't ignore the painful truth, that a loved one has died, but don't make that the sole focus of your conversation. Avoid minimizing their feelings or trying to make them see how much worse things could be. Even a few attempts at mild, polite humor are not out of line.

If you are planning to offer comfort to a grieving family, it may be a good idea to know the mourning and funeral customs if they are people of faith. Each religion has specific traditions they follow. If you would like to learn more about these different customs, check out  Funeral Traditions Of Different Religions (http://bit.ly/1MA1kRY)

May you all enjoy long happy lives surrounded by loved ones

“Because I can count on my fingers the number of sunsets I have left,
and I don't want to miss any of them.” 
― Suzanne Collins, Catching Fire

A Look Back #TBT ~ September 10 and September 11, 2001

Fourteen years ago today, September 10, 2001, my husband was doing an AV gig (Audio Visual) for a trade show at the Marriot WTC (3 World Trade Center). The show was scheduled to be a two-day event, but due to the presenter's prior commitment it was scheduled for the 10th and 12th of September.

My husband was home, by my side, when we heard about the planes crashing into the towers on Tuesday, September 11, 2001.

Our son, in high school, knew where his dad had worked the day before but didn't realize there was a one-day gap in the presentation. Due to the chaos at his school when the word of the attack spread, he pulled his cell-phone (which was taboo during school hours) from his backpack and ducked into an alcove to call home. There was panic in his voice when he asked "Where's Dad?"

A little while later our daughter, away at an upstate college, also called home to make sure everyone in our family was all right. She headed home and arrived the following day.

I had been horrified watching the television and seeing the tragedy unfolding in lower Manhattan, but it wasn't until I heard my son's panic that it really hit me. My family was blessed that day and spared the direct loss that so many others suffered.

We responded to our local ambulance corps later that day on the 11th to offer whatever help we could. Local residents were walking in, dazed and scared. Our county's EMS system was activated hoping for more survivors and preparing to transport and hospitalize those who could travel so as not to overwhelm the city's hospitals; unfortunately that need never materialized.

Our corps, like so many others, put together a crew to head down to the city. My husband and three other corps members were on that crew. Our youth corps members, my son included, helped to stock the ambulance for the task ahead. The crew consisted of Mark and three members all with the first name of Tom (I understand they later joked that they wanted to trade Mark for another "Tom" from one of the other ambulances!) Like several other ambulances that responded, they waited in the designated staging area in hopes of having patients to transport - most returned home empty.

All four of us, including our two offspring, assisted at the ambulance corps for the next several days. One of our corps members lost a relative in the towers. A local police officer's brother in the FDNY was one of the 343 firefighters who died. In total our county lost more than 80 residents on 9/11.

Through the years since 2001 there have been many deaths associated with Ground Zero dust. Once again I realize how blessed my family has been - the staging area was set up a safe distance from the site (as is EMS response protocol).  [ http://fw.to/K75pQPY FDNY adds names of those who died related to rescue and recovery work]

My heart still weeps for the losses suffered that day at the World Trade Center, the Pentagon, and Flight #93 in Pennsylvania. I am proud to have seen the rising and eventual opening of the Freedom Tower (1 World Trade Center) and the 911 Memorial Museum. Lives were forever changed and many of the families who suffered losses that day have worked towards remembrances including scholarships, memorials and support groups. And for a brief time, the city came together in a show of tremendous support and compassion.

9/11 is a day which will live in our hearts and souls forever.

A Matter of Respect ~ #MondayBlogs

The New York City Police Department had to bury two of their own who were ambushed and killed while innocently eating their lunch while seated in their parked patrol car. The perpetrator claimed, in anti-police rants posted on social media, that he was going to kill police officers as retribution for recent fatalities of alleged police brutality.

Despite personal sentiments regarding the lack of convictions in two separate cases (Michael Brown in Missouri and Eric Garner in New York), public opinion overwhelmingly condemned the actions of Ismaaiyl Brinsley who committed suicide after ambushing NYPD Officers Rafael Ramos and Wenjian Liu on December 20. There has been a growing memorial at the site of the ambush in memory of the fallen officers both of whom had exemplary records and no involvement in any police brutality charges. Hundreds of law enforcement officers from all over the nation came to New York City to pay respects at the memorial and attend the funerals.

The NYPD had earlier expressed discontent with the New York City Mayor Bill DiBlasio after his remarks about protests over the Grand Jury decisions on the Brown and Garner cases. Their claim was that he did not support the police officers and questioned his apparent friendship with vocal critics of law enforcement. At the hospital on December 20 NYPD Patrolmen's Benevolent Association president Patrick Lynch said "blood on the hands starts on the steps of City Hall." When the mayor showed up at the hospital the line of police officers turned their backs on him in protest.

DiBlasio asked New Yorkers to postpone protests over the court rulings until after the executed officers were buried in order to focus on the grieving families. Many residents complied; however several also ignored and added cries of dissent. Ironically some of the more vocal objections and criticisms about the mayor’s plea for understanding came from the Reverend Al Sharpton and The Answer Coalition who labeled the request as an "outrageous attempt to chill free speech. DiBlasio’s assumed friendship with Sharpton is one of the NYPD gripes about City Hall’s lack of police department support. Fox News reported one protester as stating "We will not let recent tragic moments derail this movement. This is the revolution and we will not be repressed."

On December 27 when Mayor DiBlasio showed up to honor and pay respect at Officer Ramos’ funeral, hundreds of uniformed police officers turned their backs to him in a show of disrespect for his policies. Police Commissioner William Bratton chastised the officers’ action for taking place at the funeral and asked them not to display the same disrespect for the mayor at Liu’s funeral reminding them that the funerals were a time for “grieving, not grievance.” On Sunday, January 4, although there were a few officers who desisted, uniformed officers once again turned their backs on the mayor citing his perceived lack of respect for the department.

It’s obvious that the various factions involved in all the acts leading to these multiple deaths need to find some common ground, they need to find a way to smooth relations and move forward with mutual respect and positive growth. Yes I have my beliefs about the incidents and responding events as most people do – but it doesn’t matter if we agree or not. Continued violence, mass destruction, and the failure to show compassion and sympathy for mourners is contradictory to the best interests of communities, civil servants, families and human relations.

I think that funerals should be a time when parents, spouses, children, siblings and others should be allowed to grieve without protest. No matter what your opinions might be, and we are all entitled, anytime someone loses a loved family member the pain is immense and they are entitled to our compassion and understanding. Any life lost is a blow to humanity.