Saturday, September 6, 2014

The pregnant ones always squeal ~ Weekend Writing Warriors #8sunday 09/07/14

Hi! Welcome to another Weekend Writing Warrior round. Every week writers post 8 sentences on their blogs from a published or unpublished book. Then we "hop" around and leave comments on each other's snippets. Whether our work is already published or in progress, the helpful comments help us become stronger writers on our next WIP. We welcome EVERYONE's comments.

  
See more at the WeWriWa blog

Welcome to a snippet from Within the Law. The protagonist, Tom Hughes, was created in His Lucky Charm (formerly called Forgotten). Tom is cousin to the female main character in HLC. I fell in love with Tom, I think he might be my favorite hero from all of my books. His character and his history was so compelling that I HAD to write his story, one in which he has his own HEA.

This scene in the courtroom lobby continues - Roy Dunlop, the man on trial for the murder of Tom's fiance, Joyce, has just made a pointed and inflammatory remark about Tom's pregnant cousin, Caitlyn. Tom doesn't react well...

[I condensed this down, but it still went to 9 sentences, sorry, so I could fit the last line in]


Tom sprang at Dunlop and grabbed him, “You bastard, you son of a bitch!”
“She begged me not to hurt the baby when I did her,” Dunlop taunted Tom.
Tom pinned him to the floor, “I’ll kill you!” He lost track of how many times his fists connected with Dunlop’s face.
Caitlyn was pushed aside in the melee and Tom watched as she stepped back and tripped over a photographer’s camera bag that was sitting on the floor; she fell backwards.
Alli reached Caitlyn before Tom broke free, “she had the wind knocked out of her.”
“I’m okay, Tommy,” Cat tried to reassure him.
Alli looked at Tom, “What happened?”

It took a moment before Tom could say anything, “Joyce was pregnant.”

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Tom gave up on ever falling in love again the day that he buried his high school sweetheart and fiancé. He started a career in law enforcement just so that he could find her murderer and rapist. Just when he is about to see justice done, he meets Alli Davis-the defense attorney for the murdering rapist who took his love from him.

20 comments:

nevasquiresrodriguez.com said...

Nice Chelle. I enjoyed it! :)

thepaperbutterfly said...

What a difficult scene D: Reminds me of something from Law and Order: SVU. I could definitely see Tom going vigilante over a statement like that. Dunlop deserved every punch. Dunlop sounds like a psychopath. I hope he ends up getting convicted and serving life without parole. This was definitely an emotional and powerful snippet. I feel so bad for Tom!

Charmaine Gordon said...

Powerful is one good word for your snippet. Dynamic, emotional, and out-of-control Tom in a courtroom. Excellent, Chelle.

Teresa Cypher said...

This is a powerful snippet, culminating in an emotionally wrenching disclosure. Nicely done, Chelle!

Millie Burns said...

Very stressful and heart jolting here. One thing bugged me a little though...if he's so intent on the bugger beneath him that he's pounding away on, I can't see him noting anyone or anything around him. So it seems weird he'd see her fall. I dunno, just felt a little off to me...

Chelle Cordero said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chelle Cordero said...

Thanks all for your comments
Millie, I understand what you are saying, i didn't want to drag this part & revelation about Joyce into two weeks so I eliminated some sentences. In the total excerpt, Tom was pulled off of Dunlop and hears his name called. Caitlyn is trying to get over to him (he's being held back by security) when he sees her fall.
Oh... things get a lot worse for Tom.

Joyce Lansky said...

The fact that this fight takes place in a court house makes for interesting possibilities. You did a great job showing his anger. The photographers camera bag seems foretelling. Well done!

http://joycelansky.blogspot.com

S.J. Maylee said...

Wow. So many powerful emotions and you choreographed it all really well. I can see the scene.

Meka James said...

OMG I was cheering Tom on as he hit that ass Dunlop! Wow...I hope that man gets the death penalty. Just made your heart break all over again for Tom and what he's lost.

Botanist said...

I had a similar thought as Millie, I'm glad you clarified that things have got a bit condensed here. It might also explain another thought of mine, that if Alli is Dunlop's defense attorney shouldn't she be all over the "unprovoked attack on her innocent client" rather than concerned about Caitlin?

Tom may get into trouble over this, but it's a believable reaction and good to see something happen to the smug killer.

homecomingbook said...

I just hope his taunt can somehow be used by the prosecution.

tinachristopherauthor.com said...

Wow, you just keep piling it on;).
But now that the bad guy actually confirmed he killed her doesn't that mean he won't get away with it?

caitlinsternwrites said...

Whoa, shouldn't there be guards or something to keep the peace in the courthouse? Somehow, I think this is going to get Tom in trouble--you can't just go attacking people, even if you're provoked.

Frank C. Etier said...

Something seems a bit out of synch here.
Tom is pounding this dude senseless, so much that he losing count of how many times he hit his victim, but manages to see Caitlyn trip over a photographer's bag?
Maybe he could stop hitting the guy and look up, then he sees Caitlyn trip.
The last line is great!

Veronica Scott said...

Sad, grim, effective, very believable action scene. Great snippet!

Chelle Cordero said...

Hi all, your comments are fantastic, thank you all.
Frank C. Etier - the scene was condensed because I din't want to drag it out for 2 weeks, but I HAD to get that last line in. In the original text, security does eventually pull Tom off of Dunlop and Tom looks around as he hears his name being called. He spots Caitlyn trying to reach him and that's when she takes the fall.
caitlinsternwrites - Tom is definitely called to task on his uncontrolled rage.
Botanist - Alli is the junior defense attorney, her senior partner is out for blood no matter what and there will eventually be a showdown between them.

christinaochs said...

Wow. Amazing, super-intense scene. Very vivid. Well-done!

tamaraphilipwrites said...

Ugh Dunlop is such a cretin!!! He needs another punch, Tom!!

tamaraphilipwrites said...

Ugh Dunlop is such a cretin!!! He needs another punch, Tom!!