The Year of Firsts

I posted back in June, my only sister passed away fairly unexpectantly. She was five years older than me and in her early 70s, we had A LOT of time together, I am very blessed for that. It's still a huge change in my life though…

 

As we are nearing the end of 2021, and with all of the holidays surrounding us, her absence from my life is weighing heavily on my mind. This is what I call the "Year of Firsts" — it's the FIRST time that I am doing things differently, doing things without her presence. Although I will always be sad that she isn't here, the "next time" becomes a little bit more normal.

 

We lost our parents in 1977 and 1979 and we had each other for support during the years of firsts (and yes, Thank G-d, we also had our husbands who were total rocks for us). As our own young families grew, we spent many, many Thanksgivings together taking family pictures and torturing our kids along the way, lol. As our own children got older and had their own homes, we didn't have the dinners together, but my sis and I often spent A LOT of time on the phone "cooking together"… this year I didn't have that.

 

I began to think about the upcoming New Year's Eve and how every year we would be on the phone together within minutes of the ball drop in Times Square. That phone call will be missed this year. Her first birthday since she is gone and all the holidays since have been painful reminders that she isn't here, everything was a first. I know that even after the first anniversary of her passing there will still be so many poignant moments, but I will have gotten through it once already.

 

It's not that I am strong, but I do remember all the wonderful years I had with her and all of our memories. I am in the process of writing MY memories down because with my parents and now my sister gone, I'm the only one with ALL of those memories. (And as my daughter said to me, it's a GREAT opportunity for me to put MY spin on everything!) My memories and my blessings are what will get me through.

 

I had my sister in my life for 67 years, a lifetime of secrets, laughter, compassion, sharing, joys and just simple talks. I have my brother (in-law), her husband, who has known me since my teen years and has become more of a brother than an in-law. I have my sister's sons and their families in my life. My husband and our children and their mates got to know her. And I have many little tidbits of advice she gave me (she not only loved to tell me what to do, but she was also a psychologist) that will remain with me forever.

 

While I still shed tears, sometimes more often than I want to admit, I also realize how fortunate I've been to have had ALL the people in my life that have been here — and I am truly so fortunate to have had such a wonderful friendship with my sister.

 

I am halfway through the "Year of Firsts", I'm going to make it.

 

Bobi, I will always love you.

Think Pink

I found a terrific writing site (thanks to my friend Sugana) — The Daily Post: Daily Prompts provides a NEW daily prompt every day to give every writer a way to put a spark in her/his creativity. I decided to join this group every so often...

Today's Prompt is  PINK

Almost 47 years ago (this June) my sister was married to the love of her life and I had the joy of being her Maid of Honor. 

I wore this beautiful PINK gown, I remember it so clearly even so many years later. I remember thinking that it was a "creamy" pink, empire style with a huge pink and shiny bow right across the bosom. The dress and sleeves had a wonderfully intricate lace overlay. I absolutely loved that gown. I was a teenage girl and I swore it was the prettiest dress I ever wore. I felt so pretty and of course since their wedding was so romantic, pink meant love and romance to me.

Being the terrible bordering-on-hoarder that I am, years later when my own teenage daughter was going to a party where the theme was the 80s (yes, I know, I wore the dress in 1970) I offered it to her. She took a look at the dress and said "Omigosh Mom, I can't believe you ever wore that, it is soooo OLD."

OUCH!

LOL. By the way five-and-a-half years later my sister was the Matron of Honor at my wedding and she wore blue.

Oh... also, both couples are still very much in love.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/pink/

A Matter of Privacy ~ #MondayBlogs

On one side of my family all of the older female relatives literally celebrated, via phone calls, every related teen-girl’s first menses (kind of ala The Red Tent). The other side of my family keeps things so private that even emergency hospitalizations aren’t shared outside of the immediate household until there’s a casual conversation after the release of the patient.

There has GOT to be some middle ground.

I truly believe that families have the right to know about serious health issues and semi-major family crises. You certainly don’t need to share bedroom “stuff”, salaries, spats between household members or things that are told to you in confidence by another family member (unless of course someone’s safety is involved). And when things go awry in life it definitely helps to talk out your angst with someone you can trust.

It was even suggested that if you really need to talk about something that is making you lose sleep, pay a therapist to listen instead of calling your sibling or a close cousin! While there is a time and place for therapy, most worries just need to be aired, a chance to vent, a chance to be coddled for a few minutes. I am not talking about calling a relative to overrule something the spouse wants to do, getting permission or plotting — I’m talking about keeping yourself from being tied up in knots with worry and upset.

I know of couples who won’t allow their spouse to even go to the doctor’s waiting room with them for an appointment, and I also know of couples who will only make appointments when their spouse is available to go with them to talk to the doctor together. Sadly I also know couples who won’ even share the results of crucial medical tests with each other. I used to ride an ambulance as an EMT and a few times I responded to a call where the other household members had no idea what medical conditions the patient had or why they were taking medications… undeniably sad and even a bit scary.

How much sharing is comfortable for you? How much privacy do you need?

I’ve often wondered how many of the “emergency contacts” on forms and in our phones actually have information about the person they are supposedly able to answer for. And why for gosh sakes would someone’s offspring think that mom and dad no longer worry about them even when they live out of the house?

Yes, I do agree that there are things that needn’t be discussed, but there is so much more that should be. Families especially need to be able to rely on one another even if they are under separate roofs. Even unrelated roommates need to know somethings about each other such as where they work and if (and where) they are headed off for a weekend of fun so that is SOMETHING, ANYTHNG unexpected happens, at least the police can get in touch when they need to!

To quote John Donne, “No Man Is an Island” and we cannot create walls as complete insulation between us. We each live, work and play with other human beings and there needs to be just a bit where the lines we draw around ourselves actually overlap and mingle. Honestly you shouldn’t surround yourself with folks that you can’t even trust enough to share who you are with.

I’d love to hear your opinions about privacy…

...

A mother’s wish ~ #MondayBlogs

Siblings are often the first childhood playmates and friends; in some families depending on proximity and emotional closeness, cousins are the next best thing especially for an only child. Every mother and father can relate to the dull ache inside that is caused when these childhood buddies fight and hurt each other (emotionally) — if the fighting and hurt progresses to physical damages, the pain and fear becomes sharp and unbearable.

As our children grow into adulthood and parents, aunts and uncles get older, we worry that our dear, sweet children might not stay close and be there for each other during the good as well as bad times.

It’s a reality that not every sibling shares common interests with the other and perhaps, except for their mutual parentage, they might not otherwise be friends. Just like any longtime friendship life does change, love interests and spouses take priority, perhaps their own children enter the picture, and siblings become part of the extended family that time must be made for. When and if our children marry, or take lifelong partners, we do breathe sighs of relief that they will always have someone to stand by them, but we still hope that their siblings will also be there to love and support when we can no longer be there for them. The household (occupants), work, location, and other obligations can often put a major dent into the time each has for their brother(s) or sister(s).

When there are more than two siblings or there are several years of age difference, the dynamics can be very different. Two may be closer to each other than three or more. There may be an unequal distribution of common interests. Eventually mates might be friendlier with one of their in-laws and encourage that closeness between the siblings. Even couples who each have siblings they grew up with can cause a shift in family dynamics when my side/your side becomes an issue. And it can certainly cause undue strain when opposing siblings actually do oppose each other.

Maturity and life can also make siblings realize how much they like having a brother or a sister. On their own or in a relationship, grown siblings have their own “space” to retreat to which reduces the childhood arguments about possessions. Once teasing words lose their sting just a bit as the adults hear more than insults, or they learn to pick their battles and hopefully overcome the childhood arguments and hurts. Aging parents can bring siblings closer as they fear the inevitable loss and they cease their jealous vying for parents’ attention. Employment and recognition at different workplaces helps to feed egos and lets each feel as if they have escaped “the shadow” and constant comparisons. It is often easier for the adult sibling to become a friend to the other.

We moms and dads want to know that our children are set for life even when we are no longer present to help them, love them and try to soothe them when they hurt. There comes a time when parents can only hope that family love, years of growing up together and a common history will be enough to glue their children together for life.