Saturday, August 30, 2014

Tom feels Cat's baby kick - Weekend Writing Warriors / #8sunday / 08/31/14

Hi! Welcome to another Weekend Writing Warrior round. Every week writers post 8 sentences on their blogs from a published or unpublished book. Then we "hop" around and leave comments on each other's snippets. Whether our work is already published or in progress, the helpful comments help us become stronger writers on our next WIP. We welcome EVERYONE's comments.

  
See more at the WeWriWa blog

Welcome to a snippet from Within the Law. The protagonist, Tom Hughes, was created in His Lucky Charm (formerly called Forgotten). Tom is cousin to the female main character in HLC. I fell in love with Tom, I think he might be my favorite hero from all of my books. His character and his history was so compelling that I HAD to write his story, one in which he has his own HEA.

This scene in the courtroom lobby continues - Caitlyn is trying to reassure Tom, he is upset with the way the trial is going so far. I deleted a few sentences rather than making everything soooo run-on. This snippet opens up with Cat speaking.

(Next week you'll find out why Tom reacts so strongly.)

“Maybe the jury will be able to see through his counsel’s tactics,” she started to step back and then put her hand on her stomach in surprise. “Oops, quick, give me your hand.”
Caitlyn placed his hand on her belly. Tom chuckled when he felt the baby’s movement and laughed out loud when the baby kicked him.
Tom never noticed that Dunlop was being escorted through the lobby, Dunlop shook his escort’s hand free and stepped in next to Tom.
He fixed his gaze on Caitlyn and then turned to Tom, “the pregnant ones always squeal.” Security pulled him away.

Tom felt himself stop breathing.

 For more WeWriWa snippets, go to www.wewriwa.com

Tom gave up on ever falling in love again the day that he buried his high school sweetheart and fiancé. He started a career in law enforcement just so that he could find her murderer and rapist. Just when he is about to see justice done, he meets Alli Davis-the defense attorney for the murdering rapist who took his love from him.
Kobo


Hoping that wherever you are
& whatever you are doing this weekend
you have a safe & enjoyable Labor Day.

16 comments:

Teresa Cypher said...

Oh wow. I can't imagine how he keeps from wringing the guy's neck right then and there!

You just upped the creepy factor a hundred points with this snippet, Chelle!

Good job :-)

Chelle Cordero said...

Thanks Teresa - this scene gets very intense and is very pivotal to the story. I'll be continuing next week.

Charmaine Gordon said...

Oh Chelle, you've added to the angst I've felt since she came into the courtroom. What happens next better not be terrible. Crossed fingers for your wonderful shining characters.

Juneta Key said...

Great 8! Nice hook with that.
All I can say, is very Hot!
Juneta at Writer's Gambit

Botanist said...

Great way to up the stakes! It looks like he's about to get away with it, and already lining up his next victim!

Meka James said...

OMG he did not just say that?!?!?! Wow! Good thing for security being there because I'm sure Tom wanted to just kick that guy's butt!

Eleri Stone said...

Whoa, that was incredibly creepy. It startled me...which is really tough to do in just eight sentences:)

thepaperbutterfly said...

I missed a few snippets, but I think I remember the basic story. Tom's fiancee was killed, and he falls in love with Caitlyn, who happens to be defending the guy that killed his fiancee. Is Dunlop the killer? I love Tom. I tend to fall in love with guys just like that, the archetypal hero :D Zack in my story is an archetypal hero, and that's part of why I love him so much, lol. I married a guy similar to that too XD A very nice guy, honorable, caring, good sense of humor, etc. Sorry for the rambling XD

Assuming Dunlop is the guy that killed his fiancee, this snippet is super creepy. I'm not sure if this is foreshadowing or something that refers to a past event? Really creepy D: The last line at the end was a good way to indicate his shock and horror. Under such duress there is the fight or flight response, but also the frozen reflex. It's so horrible your body doesn't even know how to react. I'm hoping nothing bad happens to Caityln!

Chelle Cordero said...

Next week will definitely up the ante...

Just to clarify, Tom's fiancee (Joyce) was murdered and Dunlop is on trial for that crime. Tom met Alli not knowing she was part of the defense team for Dunlop. Caitlyn (Cat) is Tom's cousin/step-sister and his best friend; she flew in to support him. And... so far the trial is NOT going well.

homecomingbook said...

I hope the jurors heard tht!

Veronica Scott said...

Oh, kind of a spooky scene! Very effective though, great 8...

tinachristopherauthor.com said...

Wow, nasty piece of work. Great 8.

tamaraphilipwrites said...

omg that gave me chills!! I hope Dunlop meets a sticky end!!! great snippet, Chelle!!

caitlinsternwrites said...

Creepy indeed! I'd want to punch that guy somewhere it would hurt.

Frank C. Etier said...

I agree with the others. Lots said in just 8 lines.
Kudos!

Christina Alexandra said...

Ok, I am thoroughly creeped out now!

I like the interaction between Tom and Caitlyn. It feels very natural and flows well.

The first half of the snippet reads well, but the second half feels a little choppy and the momentum is off. I know you had to remove some sentences in order to make the eight, so maybe that's were the problem is.

Just a couple of little issues in the last half.

Be aware of how many times you use Dunlop's name and how close together they are spaced. In the third paragraph, see if there is a way it can be written without having to use his name twice.

In the fourth paragraph, just some rearranging and capitalization issues. perhaps another rewrite.

Try:
"He fixed his gaze on Caitlyn then coolly turned to Tom. 'The pregnant ones always squeal,' he whispered as security pulled him away."

Just a thought.

But then again, once all the sentences are in place it may flow better.