Why is it that two people can listen
to the exact same thing and yet hear totally different things?
Don’t worry about answering, it’s a
rhetorical question.
People tend to read into difficult
words rather than merely taking them at face value. “That dress really looks
nice on you. It’s got a very slimming effect.” — Oh no! Does that mean I look fat? — Instead of accepting what is
probably a very genuine compliment, suddenly there are tears, hurt feelings and
probably anger. And that is how arguments start.
Everybody hears what they are open to
hearing based on their experiences and beliefs. Politicians get to say a lot of
sometimes “nothing” and yet every speech will be met with cheers and jeers
based on what the listeners WANT to believe. I WANT to believe that all my
financial woes can be solved by a single act of a new shopping complex and the
revenue it would bring to the area; I DON’T WANT to believe that giving up my
brand new shiny car will help solve global warming. The politician says the new
factory which will open up jobs will be the best thing and scrubbers will be
installed in every smokestack — if I need a job, I’ll hear the opportunity of a
new business; but if my child is an asthmatic the words that will be loudest to
me will be “scrubbers in every smokestack” and depending on my level of trust…
We tend to listen selfishly with our
own interests out front. We are afraid to accept, or hear, anything that might
make us question the beliefs we’ve been loudly professing. We’ll attend a
campaign speech to “listen” to the words of our favorite candidate and we are
rarely disappointed. We focus on the things we want to hear and all the rest is
just background noise. Almost everybody in the crowd does the same thing and it’s
easy to get swept up with the emotional response, cheering and clapping. When
the speech is over we turn and clap each other on the backs for a job-well-done
as if we were the ones receiving all of the approving applause. Later when we
are asked what was said, suddenly all we can remember are the good points that
we agreed with, and we might not even remember the exact words, we just repeat
the very things that drew us, right or wrong, to this candidate.
It’s frustrating when we are trying
to get our message and meaning out there and someone is just not listening to
the words. Chances are, though, we might be doing just the same thing.
Selective hearing? Biased hearing? It’s a collective problem.
Psychologists tell us that we need to
train ourselves to not only listen, but to listen from the other person’s point
of view. If you can argue FOR an opposing view you wind up expanding your mind.
And maybe it won’t make you change your mind but it will certainly allow you
stronger belief in what YOU want to hear.
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