Empathy... better with it or without it

 Definition of empathy (from the Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

the action of understanding, being aware of,
being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing
the feelings, thoughts, and experience
of another of either the past or present 

When you have empathy you can relate to the pain and sorrow that another person may be experiencing — if you hear of someone losing a close family member something triggers your own feeling of loss, either real or imagined. You feel FOR the person because you understand what he is going through.When you understand what that individual is going through you might be able to offer solace, comfort and support. BUT... if your level of empathy encompasses you it may drown you in those emotions causing you mental anguish and making you unable to offer comfort to the bereaved.Being compassionate is a healthy form of empathy as you understand what someone is going through and can still maintain a mental distance by staying aware that this is SOMEONE ELSE'S loss. You can offer support and comfort without losing yourself in the sorrow.Being sympathetic, while certainly nice (on the surface) may or may not be disingenuous. You hear bad news and you offer platitudes — but do you really feel for the individual or just know that it's the polite response?Certain relationships do better when people can empathize with one another. Parents who can truly understand what their children are feeling, their angst and insecurities, can offer much needed support and guidance. Health-care workers can help to emotionally support their patients along with the medical help they provide. However if the empathy is too all-encompassing it is easy to lose oneself, be depressed and insecure. Too much empathy can even result in manifested health problems, sleepless nights, and damage to other relationships.

When it comes to feeling loss, grief is a very personal thing and not everyone feels the same things. Religious customs sometimes play a big role in the way a person grieves and accepts their loss; although it is uncommon that a loss is ever truly “accepted”, the pain often lingers and sometimes causes tears even years later. The relationship a person has had with the now deceased may have been complex, even painful, and the survivor now has to juggle their mixed emotions.

There are times that SOME of us cannot understand another person’s reaction to grief, but do we really have a right to expect someone to break down and cry when that loss happens? Maybe the person is in shock and that overwhelming grief has yet to hit. Or maybe the person’s upbringing taught them unwavering steps to follow? Or, sadly, maybe a person’s childhood left him with an inability to show their emotions?

It’s not for any of us to judge how someone else mourns and grieves. All we can do is be compassionate and certainly never take joy in another’s person’s pain. Remember though that you can always be there and care.

“Any man's death diminishes me,
because I am involved in mankind,
and therefore never send to know
for whom the bells tolls;
it tolls for thee.”
~ John Donne

I Understand ~ #MondayBlogs

It becomes a “thing” that simply rolls off of your tongue: I’m sorry for your loss; I’m sorry you don’t feel well; I’m sorry that you got hurt; I’m sorry… And even when you try to express genuine concern, often the words sound empty. Your words are usually appreciated, you’re being polite, but are your voiced sentiments really helping anyone? Too many people make polite conversation that they are never really engaged in.

There is a big difference about being polite and reaching out to offer comfort. Empathy is when you try to imagine what the person is feeling. It doesn’t matter if you never experienced what they are going through, we have all had times when we’ve been sad, scared, or under the weather. Even if you have experienced a similar situation your reactions are not going to be the same, but you should still understand and relate to the emotion your friend is feeling.

Don’t belittle or minimize someone’s emotions. Depending on the situation you may be tempted to take their feelings away, to discount them unintentionally. You tell someone who just lost a parent who lived to a ripe old age that he was old, he lived a long time, and wow you know people who never were so lucky to have their parents around for so long. Or you let your girlfriend know how much better she is without the bum that just walked out on her. Or you tell the woman who just miscarried that she should be relieved because it was nature’s way of fixing a mistake. (I’ve heard people saying these things to others). These kind of phrases demean the feelings and even though you may not try to hurt someone intentionally it does hurt.

It’s okay to say I understand you’re sad, you’re hurt, or I understand that this seems scary. It’s even okay to say “I’ve been there” so long as you don’t make it all about yourself. Letting someone know that they are not alone in what they are going through can be kind, but not if you ignore their needs.

Compassion is more than just putting yourself in their shoes and empathizing with their pain. Compassion is saying you’re sorry for whatever they are going through, letting them know you understand, and then being there for them to talk, to lend a shoulder, and to help them through the tough days wherever you can. When you can put it all together… words to understanding to being supportive, that is when you are being a true friend.

When you are able to show compassion you are putting someone else’s needs before your own and you can take pride in being able to help someone in pain.

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Fear ~ #MondayBlogs

We hear tales of terror from across the globe and worry about our own vulnerability. Could these heinous acts happen where we are during our normal daily routine?

According to the book Psychology of Terrorism edited by Bruce Bongar, the main goals of terrorist acts are to promote insecurity and disrupt everyday life. We watch repeated news reports with graphic footage of bombed out buildings, rows of body bags, tearful interviews of people looking for loved ones, and read names of the dead and injured as if each victim is personally known to us.

We can’t help but empathize. Oh my God, that could have been us; that could have been my daughter; is that my son’s school; my husband isn’t answering his cell phone; we were JUST there. While we certainly sympathize with the victims and their families, we can’t help but realize our own helplessness.

The violence seems random, we never know when or where it will happen. Is there any safe place to hide? How much do we want to stop living our own lives on the “what if” scenario? Is it wise just to ignore the possibility no matter how slight we think it might be?

As Bongor stated in his book, it is the intention of terrorists to disrupt our lives. Do we really want to give the terrorists the victory? I don’t. So what are our options?

Stay vigilant: the catch-phrase of modern times is If you see something, say something — that’s common sense. Unattended bags, unexplained packages, heavy coats on a warm/hot day, actually seeing a weapon being carried into a crowded place, mystery powders... Any of these may or may not be cause for concern, but if it looks suspicious, let the proper authorities know. Don’t investigate the briefcase that appears to have no owner. Don’t enter a room where the multiple occupants appear to be unconscious or worse.

Always notice your exit routes. Don’t leave your purse open and unobserved. Never accept packages from strangers who ask you to just carry it inside. And if, God forbid, the unthinkable does happen, stay calm and orderly, hold your children’s hands so they don’t get lost in a crowd, exit if possible with or without your personal belongings. Don’t tie up phone lines, if they still work they will be needed for emergencies — if you are letting relatives know you are alright, call one and ask them to relay the message.

Before any disaster, whether man-made or natural, you can help prepare yourself, your family and your home for recovery. First and foremost, take a first aid and CPR class; in a major disaster medical personnel will be swamped with patients and resources will be slim so if you or a loved one has a relatively minor injury it could be a while until someone is able to treat you so if you know what to do, it will definitely help. Make sure that your children (and pets) carry identification in case you are separated. Maintain a running inventory of valuables you have at home and store a digital copy of all vital documents off-site. Plan a meeting point for family members if you have to leave an area quickly and may not be together; older children and adults may also arrange to check in by phone with a long-distance relative.

The main thing is to LIVE. Be aware, not afraid. Use common sense, remain alert, help your neighbors, and know that you are not alone. 

So What Are You Going to Do About It? ~ #MondayBlogs

Negative people can really wreak havoc with your day. Listening to chronic (usually unfounded) complaints, hearing repeated forecasts of doom, and seeing nothing more than constant scowling and growling can take its toll on the people around. I truly believe that the atmosphere is fed by the energy around, and when that energy is negativity and gloom, the temperature is not very comfortable.

Negativity can drain you. A constant barrage of criticism can make you doubt yourself. Why bother to smile when it’s met with derision?

Don’t let someone else’s Bad Day(s) ruin your day. You do have a choice. Depending on the situation it may be easiest to simply walk away and avoid the bad vibes. Join another gym, find another critique group, sit at a different lunchroom table… Sometimes you can’t extricate yourself that easily and you have to find a way to deal with it.

Open your mind to understanding what has caused the other person’s gloom — they may lack confidence, they may have difficulty seeing beyond something truly unfortunate that has happened to them, they may be surrounded by negative people, or they may feel powerless in other areas of their lives and feel the need to exert harsh control. Whatever the reason, it is often a cry for help, or understanding, a need to feel hugged, or even a need to just be left alone.

Your own attitude doesn’t need to be a part of someone else’s schemes. If the negative person around you needs compassion, you can empathize but still realize whatever bad thing happened did NOT happen to you. You can reach out a hand without giving up you own safe perch. You can offer encouragement without demeaning your own abilities. Feeding positive energy into the environment doesn’t mean remaining oblivious to others and their needs; it means finding ways to accept and build on the strengths and needs of all including yourself.

Self-preservation is not just a skill, it is a necessity. Self-preservation does not mean building a figurative wall around yourself. By all means interact with those people, but if you can, avoid topics that you know will set them off (if they are upset about being passed over for a promotion, you don’t need to constantly remind them of the promoted person’s success!); if you can’t avoid the hot topics don’t gloat, keep repeating yourself, or lie. Try to change the environment by including others so that the focus is not just on the two of you. Find ways to give genuine praise. Never tell someone to just get over it.

Sometimes it will take reminders like the morning affirmation in your mirror, but train yourself to be more positive. Learn to look for the good in situations and people. Learn your own can do attitude. Believe in yourself. Learn how to smile. Practice positive responses and ways to offer your ideas. Avoid making insults and accusations. Don’t dwell on the negativity around you.

Feed your own positive energy into the room and it just might be infectious.