This Time of Year

 

In Judaism, as in many other religions, there are times to “repent” for our wrongdoings and make SINCERE promises to try to do better in the coming year, months, and days. At the time that you are reading this, we are about twelve days away from the beginning of Rosh Hashanah, the 2-day festival of our Hebrew New Year, 5783 (sundown on September 25, 2022)

Just like the “Lord’s Prayer” (forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us), we ask for forgiveness in a prayer called “Avinu Malkeinu” (For our sinful actions which we have committed in Your sight… bring us back to You in perfect Repentance).

Rosh Hashanah is followed by Yom Kippur (25 hours beginning at sundown, October 4, 2022), at which time the “Book of Life” is sealed for the year, and we are judged by G-d based on our intentions, our repentance, and the changes we make inside our hearts to be better, to do better. We ask for forgiveness from those we have hurt, as we forgive those who have hurt us.

Sometimes we cannot physically ask for or give understanding, but it must be in our hearts and minds. The hurts we may have inflicted, if done intentionally, are not forgiven… if accidentally, they can be. That doesn’t mean there is no hope for the future, it means we must try harder.

As in the secular new year, this is a time to look forward, to appreciate what we have, and who we have in our lives, and hopefully be able to start anew with more kindness and understanding. We try, with all our might, to be better people.

To you I say “L’shanah tovah tikateivu v’teichateimu”; A good year, and may you be inscribed and sealed in the Book of Life.

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Tearing Others Down

Remember all those movies where the “popular girls” ostracized the one they considered to be an “oddball” — maybe the ostracized girl had the audacity to show up in hand-me down clothes or spoke out in defense of another cast-out student. Sometimes these weren’t just movie themes, sometimes they were painful realities that we may have had happen to ourselves, or sadly, maybe we were the ones who feared being ostracized and went along with the crowd even though we knew it hurt.

 

In many ways this is how today’s “Cancel Culture” works. People, ideologies, books, movies and companies are cast out based on an OPINION and often not actually tried and convicted. In a July 2020 article in Psychology Today, Cancel Culture is explained, “Canceling begins with a real or perceived transgression by the canceled entity that the canceler observes or is made aware of and deems to be serious. The transgression can be about anything such as the violation of a strongly held political value or a social justice value that the canceler deems to be significant... Social canceling is not based on a balanced assessment of the transgression or any absolute criterion of wrongdoing. Because it's a visceral response and relies on one particular shared understanding of the transgression, one side of the story so to speak, every canceling campaign is necessarily grounded in bias.”

 

And therein lies the danger, it may be one person’s supposed act, an assumed intent, an otherwise innocent lapse of judgement that sparks the canceling or ostracizing. There is no judge and jury to decide, there is no chance of defense, and often there is no chance of redemption. And what might offend one or some really seems to have no effect on others.

 

We need to exercise sensitivity and respect towards others. We need to educate ourselves about the social mores of different groups and understand how some traditions may be purely innocent in their intent. We need to respect everyone’s right to an opinion and to a large extent their right to free speech — of course we also need to be aware that IF we find our actions are offensive then we need to change them. And if we are offended by someone’s unintentional offense, it is our obligation to say something in a non-combative way at which time we should be able to expect their consideration in the future.

 

There are certainly actions which are known to be wrong, which will hurt others and if we flagrantly ignore those hurts, then of course we are in the wrong. But if someone makes an otherwise innocent mistake, let’s not become the stereotyped “popular kids” and cast out others without regard for their feelings.

 

 

 

Empathy... better with it or without it

 Definition of empathy (from the Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

the action of understanding, being aware of,
being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing
the feelings, thoughts, and experience
of another of either the past or present 

When you have empathy you can relate to the pain and sorrow that another person may be experiencing — if you hear of someone losing a close family member something triggers your own feeling of loss, either real or imagined. You feel FOR the person because you understand what he is going through.When you understand what that individual is going through you might be able to offer solace, comfort and support. BUT... if your level of empathy encompasses you it may drown you in those emotions causing you mental anguish and making you unable to offer comfort to the bereaved.Being compassionate is a healthy form of empathy as you understand what someone is going through and can still maintain a mental distance by staying aware that this is SOMEONE ELSE'S loss. You can offer support and comfort without losing yourself in the sorrow.Being sympathetic, while certainly nice (on the surface) may or may not be disingenuous. You hear bad news and you offer platitudes — but do you really feel for the individual or just know that it's the polite response?Certain relationships do better when people can empathize with one another. Parents who can truly understand what their children are feeling, their angst and insecurities, can offer much needed support and guidance. Health-care workers can help to emotionally support their patients along with the medical help they provide. However if the empathy is too all-encompassing it is easy to lose oneself, be depressed and insecure. Too much empathy can even result in manifested health problems, sleepless nights, and damage to other relationships.

When it comes to feeling loss, grief is a very personal thing and not everyone feels the same things. Religious customs sometimes play a big role in the way a person grieves and accepts their loss; although it is uncommon that a loss is ever truly “accepted”, the pain often lingers and sometimes causes tears even years later. The relationship a person has had with the now deceased may have been complex, even painful, and the survivor now has to juggle their mixed emotions.

There are times that SOME of us cannot understand another person’s reaction to grief, but do we really have a right to expect someone to break down and cry when that loss happens? Maybe the person is in shock and that overwhelming grief has yet to hit. Or maybe the person’s upbringing taught them unwavering steps to follow? Or, sadly, maybe a person’s childhood left him with an inability to show their emotions?

It’s not for any of us to judge how someone else mourns and grieves. All we can do is be compassionate and certainly never take joy in another’s person’s pain. Remember though that you can always be there and care.

“Any man's death diminishes me,
because I am involved in mankind,
and therefore never send to know
for whom the bells tolls;
it tolls for thee.”
~ John Donne

High Anxiety

Having extreme fears, or phobias, can be life-stopping. Some phobias may seem foolish to others, but they are not foolish or funny to the person who is suffering.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is a fear of long words, wow, that’s a really long word to describe that fear — it’s almost scary to even try to pronounce it; by the way it’s “hippo-poto-monstro-sis-cupid-ali-o-phobia”. Why would someone have such a fear? Understanding the possible reason(s) might make others feel a bit more indulgent and could help ease someone’s phobia. No matter how ironic the description is, the fear is real to the person who is suffering.

Phobias can affect a person physically, mentally and emotionally. Symptoms like rapid heartbeats, nausea, sweating, anxiety, feeling terrified, crying, avoidance and embarrassment can suddenly take hold of an individual who is scared and triggered by his fear. No one is born with a phobia, it can be caused by an unpleasant incident, pain or loss. The child who sees their house on fire may easily develop a fear of fire (Pyrophobia). If a person has been injured in a crowd, they might develop Enochlophobia, and avoid possible crowded situations; this may be similar to Agoraphobia which is a fear of being trapped in a dangerous and uncontrollable situation. Agnosiophobia is a fear of not knowing what’s going to happen and can be paralyzing as the victim subconsciously wants to avoid an previous unpleasant occurrence.

The human mind reacts to everything its owner has lived through. The anxiety that fear causes is not something that will respond to logic, lecturing, and definitely not scolding. A phobia is a disorder that affects a person’s ability to cope with certain situations, it is more than just a fear like screaming on a roller coaster. Anxiety caused by a phobia can often feel like impending doom and it is not easily controlled or can be forced to be ignored. People with phobias often know that their fear is irrational, but it is real to them.

If you are with a person experiencing a panic attack from a phobia, let them know they can talk with you about it and don’t be angry if they choose not to. Don’t try to badger them with “common sense” or tell them they have no reason to be so scared, don’t try to bully them into being “normal”. Don’t bring up their phobia just because you want to talk about it, that can actually trigger their anxiety; however it is okay to let them know you are there (in person or by phone) to talk anytime they need to. If that person suddenly gets irritable during a panic attack, be quick to forgive them. Find things to do as friends with the individual who suffers, but don’t try to push them into a triggering event.

Phobias and anxiety can take time to cure or even get control of, don’t expect that they will suddenly get over it. Often the best option for someone paralyzed by their fears is to talk with a professional therapist — be supportive of their efforts. Be aware that someone’s anxiety could have a negative effect on you and if it does a therapist or support group may be able to help you cope with your friend or loved one’s emotions. Anxiety is treatable and someone you care about is certainly worth the time. Be a friend.

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I Understand ~ #MondayBlogs

It becomes a “thing” that simply rolls off of your tongue: I’m sorry for your loss; I’m sorry you don’t feel well; I’m sorry that you got hurt; I’m sorry… And even when you try to express genuine concern, often the words sound empty. Your words are usually appreciated, you’re being polite, but are your voiced sentiments really helping anyone? Too many people make polite conversation that they are never really engaged in.

There is a big difference about being polite and reaching out to offer comfort. Empathy is when you try to imagine what the person is feeling. It doesn’t matter if you never experienced what they are going through, we have all had times when we’ve been sad, scared, or under the weather. Even if you have experienced a similar situation your reactions are not going to be the same, but you should still understand and relate to the emotion your friend is feeling.

Don’t belittle or minimize someone’s emotions. Depending on the situation you may be tempted to take their feelings away, to discount them unintentionally. You tell someone who just lost a parent who lived to a ripe old age that he was old, he lived a long time, and wow you know people who never were so lucky to have their parents around for so long. Or you let your girlfriend know how much better she is without the bum that just walked out on her. Or you tell the woman who just miscarried that she should be relieved because it was nature’s way of fixing a mistake. (I’ve heard people saying these things to others). These kind of phrases demean the feelings and even though you may not try to hurt someone intentionally it does hurt.

It’s okay to say I understand you’re sad, you’re hurt, or I understand that this seems scary. It’s even okay to say “I’ve been there” so long as you don’t make it all about yourself. Letting someone know that they are not alone in what they are going through can be kind, but not if you ignore their needs.

Compassion is more than just putting yourself in their shoes and empathizing with their pain. Compassion is saying you’re sorry for whatever they are going through, letting them know you understand, and then being there for them to talk, to lend a shoulder, and to help them through the tough days wherever you can. When you can put it all together… words to understanding to being supportive, that is when you are being a true friend.

When you are able to show compassion you are putting someone else’s needs before your own and you can take pride in being able to help someone in pain.

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