Invisible

There are those of us who hide invisible illness, chronic conditions, pain and fatigue as much as we can. No matter how we hide sometimes it is unavoidable and it’s frustrating when the invisibility turns you into what others may assume is a hypochondriac or just lazy. While we function at home, in jobs, with our families or running errands around town, and we don’t look for excuses…

 

But sometimes the pain or fatigue gets to us and we need a little time to recoup, to rest, to let an analgesic help a bit, or to simply catch our breath and those are the times when someone, usually well meaning, comes along and suggests that perhaps we should get to bed earlier, or keep moving to stretch the muscles, or not need so many bathroom breaks, and many more bits of advice. The truth is that no one else, unless they’ve been there, understands what we go through and sometimes it actually hurts when they tease and call us lazy or slow. These same people do mean well but unless they see a cane, a wheelchair, a placard in our car window or other aids to help a person function, they just don’t understand.

 

None of us wants to wear a banner across our chests or announce to perfect strangers what our invisible condition may be. Our invisible conditions aren’t contagious (if they are we know how to protect the people around us), they don’t make us any less of a functioning and contributing adult; some children also suffer from invisible conditions. These syndromes can make us weak, cause pain, make us dizzy, short of breath, hungry, thirsty, and make us so tired we can’t keep our eyes open. Most times we manage our symptoms and if we are lucky some of us can even forget for a brief period that we have a “condition” — maybe that’s why it’s so easy for others not to realize that sometimes the symptoms do get the best of us.

 

The following is not a complete list but includes some of the types of conditions that are not always obvious to others: depression, anxiety, Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, Epstein Barr, Chronic Fatigue, Fibromyalgia, Celiac Disease, diabetes, cardiac abnormalities, migraines, Crohn’s disease, narcolepsy, food allergies, arthritis, hypoglycemia, colitis, IBS, epilepsy, Lyme Disease, Lupus, asthma, Meniere's Disease, phobias, hyper/hypo-active thyroid, and many more. Most laypeople reading this partial list will not be familiar with most, if any, of these conditions. There are even several doctors who are unfamiliar with the presenting symptoms and there is often misdiagnosis. Sometimes the patient is even told that it is all in his/her mind.

 

While many with chronic conditions have developed coping skills and can manage work and other activities with little interruption, some people do need extra consideration, and some cannot manage to take care of their home without help or hold down jobs. According to the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990 (ADA) “an individual with a disability is a person who: Has a physical or mental impairment that substantially limits one or more major life activities; has a record of such an impairment; or is regarded as having such an impairment.” There may be provisions to help an individual but many of us know that if we let a potential employer know that there may be days we won’t be up to doing our jobs the chances of being hired go down, so we don’t put our invisible condition on record. …when we call out sick too many days, well you have an idea of what happens.

 

The next time you see someone waiting for an elevator just to go one floor, or parking in a handicapped spot (WITH a proper placard) but doesn’t “appear” disabled, or someone asks for help to carry something (and you can help), or even just walks slowly, please don’t be so quick to criticize. Realize that maybe that person coming out of the handicapped stall in the bathroom needed the higher seat because of a back problem. And just because you saw your co-worker dancing at the holiday party it doesn’t mean that he/she can do the walking at the company golf-outing, it just may be an off day. While admittedly there will always be someone who cheats and takes advantage, most people do what they are capable of and know when they need a little help. While some people with an invisible illness may feel comfortable in letting you know about it, they are not obligated to prove anything to you.

 

To your health! 

LIFE GOES ON

 

Life goes on, despite tears and disappointments life continues.  We can sit mired in sadness or we can choose to live our best lives. For anyone who has suffered the loss of a loved one, a life-altering illness, the breakup of a relationship, or the betrayal of a friend, LIFE GOES ON.

In my own life, I recently suffered the passing of a loved one.  As I experienced the shock, pain and cries of “how do I cope”, I realized that she loved me as much as I love her — and she would not want me to “stop living”. I need to honor her memory and the love between two sisters. For ourselves and for those around us that we care about, we need to choose life in the best way possible. It is okay to carry our memories, and even shed a tear now and then, but life goes on.

Make the most of the time YOU have left to honor the memories and to care for those still around you. If someone you love has passed on and your heart feels broken, know that they would not want you to waste what is left of your life or to ignore other loved ones around you. You might even want AND need to double your love for the other members of your family who have also suffered the loss. You can never replace the loss but being with other members of your family is good for all of you.

If you have ever dabbled with Tarot Cards, you might have noticed the Five of Cups. The card depicts a figure that is wearing a black cloak. The person hides her face in what seems to be despair. There are five cups on the ground, three of which have fallen while the other two remain standing. The woman, however, doesn’t seem to notice that there are two standing cups and is too busy mourning over those which are fallen. There is a powerful river which flows between her and a house or a castle in the distance, indicating that a torrent of emotions have separated her from home.

Always remember your loved ones who have passed before you, keeping their memories alive will keep them from dying a “second death" by being forgotten. In Judaism we say a prayer for the deceased that is called Yizkor:

May G‑d remember the soul of my (mention her Hebrew name and that of her mother) who has gone to her [supernal] world, because I will - without obligating myself with a vow - donate charity for her sake. In this merit, may her soul be bound up in the bond of life with the souls of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel and Leah, and with the other righteous men and women who are in Gan Eden; and let us say, Amen.

 

Honor those you have lost by living the best way you can — love others, do good for others (including strangers) with charity and empathy, and most importantly, love yourself. Never lose sight of what you have had... and still have.

 

 

Family and the Pandemic

 

In the last eight months or so we’ve all had an extreme case of separation, separation from our extended families, our friends, our jobs, and a way of life where we felt (more) carefree. COVID-19 has disrupted our lives and it looks like, unfortunately, it’s going to continue interrupting life as we wish it would be for a while yet.

 For years I watched some of my extended family deal with their military children overseas and wondered how they could contend with that time and distance separating them. My children and their spouses live within a few hours from where we live, all four are in first-response and health/wellness, and I consider myself lucky having seen each of them (in person) two or three times each since February.

 So how have we coped? It really hasn’t been easy. Fortunately all of our immediate family and most of our extended family have gotten used to various visual and audio means of communication; of course there have been phone calls and emails as well. We watched, via the power of the internet, a niece get married, and a few months later a nephew tied the knot. We enjoyed a multi-household abbreviated Passover Seder together via ZOOM, and our daughter and son-in-law broke the Yom Kippur fast with us through the same online app.

 And we’ve had the opportunity to attend community board meetings and a few interesting seminars. I even got to attend my first ever Romance Writers’ Conference virtually! So we’ve had interaction beyond the occasional trips to the supermarket (where I feel like a bandit adorned with my mask!) and our routine doctor visits which have graduated from tele-visits to the office. With both of us retired, we haven’t had to deal with routine office work; except for the first-responders in our family, most of our working relatives have been working from home — we’re lucky in that several of our extended family have been able to maintain at least some of their employment.

 I can’t help but think back to my childhood and wonder how we would have survived without so many ways to virtually interact, or how my folks would have dealt with the concept of home-schooling my sister and me without online learning. How did folks and families survive the 1918 Spanish flu pandemic? Today in 2020 the separation stings… but the lack of communication venues more than 100-years before was so much less than today. I can’t even imagine. Right now I just want to hug my kids.

 And yet, even with all of our advances, so many of us are battling with depression and feelings of isolation. Even when we are outside, we can’t come near others, many grocery stores still have six-foot reminders on the floor. When we say hello to someone, we can’t even see their mouths because of our masks. I certainly am NOT advocating that we do not use masks or social distancing, more than 225-thousand deaths prove that we need to do whatever we can to protect ourselves and our loved ones. But even when we are near others, the feelings of loneliness are enforced. Many of the things we used to do for enjoyment and socializing are now taboo, or at least severely limited… no movie theatres, limited restaurants, or other leisure activities. Everyday we seem to hear of another business closing permanently because they couldn’t survive the necessary shutdowns. It’s just sad.

 As we are heading into the holiday season we’re once again trying to juggle. Big family dinners are probably not going to happen; even if we feel safe enough to have some family together, we need to be wary of including some who might be quite vulnerable. Maybe we’ll need to turn to ZOOM again in order to share? Those of us whose major concern might be choosing between ZOOM or Facebook Rooms to share this holiday season need to remember there are those who have lost loved ones, who are in danger of losing their homes, or might not be able to put a holiday meal on their table.

 If you or a loved one is suffering from “COVID depression/anxiety”, take care of yourself and those around you (easier said than done?). Be sure to reach out to your family and friends, especially those who might live alone or feel more isolated from their loved ones — pick up a phone, send an email or do a “drive-by” and wave through the window. If you are able, think of others, send a pizza to an on-duty ambulance crew, or a boxed dinner on the doorstep of a neighbor who needs help. Helping others can help you to feel better. Get involved with activities in your own home, play board games, watch a movie on TV together, and look for on-line seminars and video tours. And if seems really too much for you, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) for English, or 1-888-628-9454 for Spanish.

 

We will get through this.

 

 

 

Empathy... better with it or without it

 Definition of empathy (from the Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

the action of understanding, being aware of,
being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing
the feelings, thoughts, and experience
of another of either the past or present 

When you have empathy you can relate to the pain and sorrow that another person may be experiencing — if you hear of someone losing a close family member something triggers your own feeling of loss, either real or imagined. You feel FOR the person because you understand what he is going through.When you understand what that individual is going through you might be able to offer solace, comfort and support. BUT... if your level of empathy encompasses you it may drown you in those emotions causing you mental anguish and making you unable to offer comfort to the bereaved.Being compassionate is a healthy form of empathy as you understand what someone is going through and can still maintain a mental distance by staying aware that this is SOMEONE ELSE'S loss. You can offer support and comfort without losing yourself in the sorrow.Being sympathetic, while certainly nice (on the surface) may or may not be disingenuous. You hear bad news and you offer platitudes — but do you really feel for the individual or just know that it's the polite response?Certain relationships do better when people can empathize with one another. Parents who can truly understand what their children are feeling, their angst and insecurities, can offer much needed support and guidance. Health-care workers can help to emotionally support their patients along with the medical help they provide. However if the empathy is too all-encompassing it is easy to lose oneself, be depressed and insecure. Too much empathy can even result in manifested health problems, sleepless nights, and damage to other relationships.

When it comes to feeling loss, grief is a very personal thing and not everyone feels the same things. Religious customs sometimes play a big role in the way a person grieves and accepts their loss; although it is uncommon that a loss is ever truly “accepted”, the pain often lingers and sometimes causes tears even years later. The relationship a person has had with the now deceased may have been complex, even painful, and the survivor now has to juggle their mixed emotions.

There are times that SOME of us cannot understand another person’s reaction to grief, but do we really have a right to expect someone to break down and cry when that loss happens? Maybe the person is in shock and that overwhelming grief has yet to hit. Or maybe the person’s upbringing taught them unwavering steps to follow? Or, sadly, maybe a person’s childhood left him with an inability to show their emotions?

It’s not for any of us to judge how someone else mourns and grieves. All we can do is be compassionate and certainly never take joy in another’s person’s pain. Remember though that you can always be there and care.

“Any man's death diminishes me,
because I am involved in mankind,
and therefore never send to know
for whom the bells tolls;
it tolls for thee.”
~ John Donne

High Anxiety

Having extreme fears, or phobias, can be life-stopping. Some phobias may seem foolish to others, but they are not foolish or funny to the person who is suffering.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is a fear of long words, wow, that’s a really long word to describe that fear — it’s almost scary to even try to pronounce it; by the way it’s “hippo-poto-monstro-sis-cupid-ali-o-phobia”. Why would someone have such a fear? Understanding the possible reason(s) might make others feel a bit more indulgent and could help ease someone’s phobia. No matter how ironic the description is, the fear is real to the person who is suffering.

Phobias can affect a person physically, mentally and emotionally. Symptoms like rapid heartbeats, nausea, sweating, anxiety, feeling terrified, crying, avoidance and embarrassment can suddenly take hold of an individual who is scared and triggered by his fear. No one is born with a phobia, it can be caused by an unpleasant incident, pain or loss. The child who sees their house on fire may easily develop a fear of fire (Pyrophobia). If a person has been injured in a crowd, they might develop Enochlophobia, and avoid possible crowded situations; this may be similar to Agoraphobia which is a fear of being trapped in a dangerous and uncontrollable situation. Agnosiophobia is a fear of not knowing what’s going to happen and can be paralyzing as the victim subconsciously wants to avoid an previous unpleasant occurrence.

The human mind reacts to everything its owner has lived through. The anxiety that fear causes is not something that will respond to logic, lecturing, and definitely not scolding. A phobia is a disorder that affects a person’s ability to cope with certain situations, it is more than just a fear like screaming on a roller coaster. Anxiety caused by a phobia can often feel like impending doom and it is not easily controlled or can be forced to be ignored. People with phobias often know that their fear is irrational, but it is real to them.

If you are with a person experiencing a panic attack from a phobia, let them know they can talk with you about it and don’t be angry if they choose not to. Don’t try to badger them with “common sense” or tell them they have no reason to be so scared, don’t try to bully them into being “normal”. Don’t bring up their phobia just because you want to talk about it, that can actually trigger their anxiety; however it is okay to let them know you are there (in person or by phone) to talk anytime they need to. If that person suddenly gets irritable during a panic attack, be quick to forgive them. Find things to do as friends with the individual who suffers, but don’t try to push them into a triggering event.

Phobias and anxiety can take time to cure or even get control of, don’t expect that they will suddenly get over it. Often the best option for someone paralyzed by their fears is to talk with a professional therapist — be supportive of their efforts. Be aware that someone’s anxiety could have a negative effect on you and if it does a therapist or support group may be able to help you cope with your friend or loved one’s emotions. Anxiety is treatable and someone you care about is certainly worth the time. Be a friend.

.

What does it take?

What does it take to get through many of life’s adversities? Why does it seem so easy for some and hard for others? And knowing all of this why do authors (like me) like to put their favorite characters through the wringer?

The answer to the last question is clear (at least to me it is) — I like to throw all kinds of troubles at my characters simply because I can and because dealing with life’s troubles is just LIFE (did you ever notice that LIFE is a 4-letter word?).I’m not a sage, I don’t have all the answers, but I know that most of life’s challenges CAN be managed. Like many of my characters I’ve had more than one life-event figuratively slap me in the face, I am no superhuman, but SO FAR I have survived.

Here are a few of the hurdles my heroines have had to contend with: Paige was raped; Julie is stalked; Annie has an abusive husband; Deanna is kidnapped and held hostage; Caitlyn’s husband can’t remember her the day after their wedding; Sudah encounters prejudice because of her religion; Samantha has to hire a bodyguard because someone is trying to kill her; Layne goes into hiding because she fears losing her child; and Alli winds up having to defend the man she loves from a murder charge. Whew! And I am not even going to start on the mishaps my heroes face.

Indeed I am trying to find humor in this post, but sometimes life does get to some people’s ability to function, and that is not so funny. Everyone has a bit of trauma and drama in their lives and sometimes their coping mechanisms seem to break down. Folks become despondent, they give up and sometimes all they want to do is escape.

Z. Hereford wrote that “When you respond positively and constructively to your biggest challenges the qualities of strength, courage, character and perseverance emerge from deep inside of you.”

Here are some recommended strategies for dealing with life’s negative events: Accept that adversity is inevitable in life; Create and know who is in your support system; Know that there are others before you who have survived adversity; and Don’t focus on past negative events, shake off the self-pity. 

Throughout life there will be challenges, disappointments, pain, physical and mental blows — it is important to Take Care of Yourself. Simple things like sleep and diet can go a long way. Understand that each person can view his own difficulties as something magnified, whenever anyone is in crisis it may seem as if their world is ending.

Do not self-medicate (alcohol, drugs, etc) or ignore the difficulty you might be experiencing. Don’t close yourself off from others, you should never feel isolated when you are in pain and need. Believe in yourself and in your self-worth. It is okay if you take to prayer or meditation IF you have a belief in a higher power. 

Most importantly, if you feel your pain is beyond your coping ability, whether it is physical, emotional, financial, or social — IT IS ALRIGHT TO SEEK PROFESSIONAL ASSISTANCE.

You are important.

Have a good life ~ #MondayBlogs

Pain and grief are personal.

No two people will feel the same pain. For nearly 30-years as a NYS EMT I always asked my patients, as we were all trained to do, "on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the worst pain you ever felt, how bad is your pain?"

The real truth is that one person's "6" may be another person's "10" while someone's "8" barely gets a "2" elsewhere. It doesn't matter, it's all PAIN. As 1st responders we needed to know how the patient was managing the pain, was it getting worse or was it (hopefully) getting better?

It's the same with emotional pain, how we deal with it is individual. Two widows after losing their mates of many years will react differently and neither way is wrong or right. The same goes for other personal tragedies and losses, we all have to find our own ways to cope.

For some people the return to "normal" life takes longer than others, and for some the return never seems to happen. Is it wrong for a young mother to still cry years after a miscarriage, even when she has other children? Or for a man in his 50's to be angry after being hustled out of a long time job he's held for years? 

Human reactions are just that... human - and they are personal.

Somewhere down the line though we do need to regain some living potential again no matter how deep the wounds are. We need to allow ourselves the chance to heal even if it means we never lose our scars. Yes, there are people around us that need us to LIVE again, but we owe it to ourselves not to waste away.

A good friend of mine likes to say "Just put one foot in front of the other..." Healing is a process and no one expects you to ignore the wound or the scars it leaves. But if you let bitterness consume you or never stop crying, think of how much you will continue to lose.

It is so much harder than just these words, but somehow you have to find a way of focusing on what you still have whether they are memories or other loved ones. Whatever is in your past has made you who you are today and who you are is important, don't throw it away.

When I feel down and mourn loved ones no longer here (physically) I remind myself of the 5 of Cups Tarot Card and realize that I need to focus on the positives in my life. 

When my paternal grandfather died and I saw my dad crying I swore to him that I never wanted to grow up because growing up meant people got old and died. After laughing and calling me Peter Pan, he told me that yes, people do die but he was very glad to have grown up, met my mom and had my sister and me. He made me see that life is always giving us new things and we should never ignore the new joys. Years later I miss my parents very much, but I take such joy in my own husband and children. Daddy was right, I would never want to miss out on the life I have now.

I've been told that I have a Pollyanna outlook on life and that I am always looking for the bright side. In reality, I just want to live.

"I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me
and 90% of how I react to it."
~ Charles R. Swindoll 

The Five of Cups is a Tarot card that signifies difficulty, loss, and the challenges of dealing with that loss. The figure in the card wears a black cloak in which he hides his face in apparent despair. At his feet are five cups, three of which have fallen and spilled onto the ground and the other two behind his back remain standing. He does not seem to notice these upstanding cups because he is so focused on the fallen cups instead. Ahead of him a powerful river flows between himself and a castle or home in the distance. To his right is a bridge that can lead him to the security of the house across the river. Despite the fact that this card has a strong indication of loss and tribulation, there is a positive aspect that must be considered. Is your cup half full or half empty?

Life Happens ~ #MondayBlogs

At some point in everyone’s life there is at least one something stressful… and if it is only one you are indeed the exception. Money, health, sex, news reports, children, family illness or worse death, incessant weather conditions, household maintenance, traffic accidents, career, and on-and-on. Stress producers seem to assail us at every opportunity which is ot to say that we have only negative things happening, there is also joy, satisfaction, feel good days, hugs and the feeling of accomplishment. It is a genuine crisis whenever something literally upsets the apple-cart, but it is how we cope and move on that makes us different.

Unhealthy coping mechanisms make some people turn food, alcohol, drugs or reckless behavior. The temporary fix we can achieve by getting high may be very effective in allowing us to take our minds off of what ails us and may even allow us the time to catch our breath and get a different perspective, one that is easier to live with — in the end though many of these unhealthy coping mechanisms leave us with added complications. The stress finds a way to repeat, even if slightly different and the more frayed our nerves are, the more we toss and turn rather than sleep, the more we eat until we feel bloated, the less we feel capable of dealing with the stress and the faster we succumb. Stress can cause body aches and illness, it can destroy relationships, it can distract us while driving, confuse us when we try to work and embarrass us when we can’t control our tears. Stress can raise our blood pressure making us more susceptible to heart attacks and strokes. Simply put, stress STINKS.

We can’t eliminate stress from our lives. How can we find ways to control the damage stress can cause? And how can we cope and move on relatively normally when it seems arrows are being shot at us from every angle?

Begin every day with a personal pep talk in the bathroom mirror telling yourself how capable you are, how good you look, how much you can accomplish and that you like yourself. If you find yourself getting angry or feeling like you want to cry, get in the habit of “stopping” by counting to ten or reciting a favorite jingle. Spend some “me-time” every day doing something that is pleasurable and healthy like taking a walk, putting music on and dancing in your living room, doing arts and crafts, singing in the shower, writing short stories, but do something for a few minutes every day that is just for you. Daily meditation will help calm your nerves, focus on important things and learn to ignore annoyances; sit in a quiet, comfortable corner and breathe slowly and deeply; close your eyes and imagine a peaceful setting (like water gently lapping at the sands of beach).

Focus on the positive things around you, think about the things you still have even after a loss, and try to see that even unexpected changes in your life (such as losing a job) can lead to better things. Eat healthy foods that your body can actually utilize, foods that are high in nutrients, proteins and have healthy levels of carbs and fats will help keep your body’s chemistry more even. Get enough rest, you will feel better able to face things when you feel refreshed. Pamper yourself a bit, even simple everyday grooming will help to lift your spirits. Daily exercise will activate healthy endomorphins in your body; endomorphins affect the central nervous system and help to ease the body’s perception of pain and fatigue. Don’t naturally assume that the worst will happen, while it may be a real possibility, there is always the chance that a medical test, for example, may uncover a condition that can be treated and cured — my mother used to say “Don’t borrow trouble.”

Remember, don’t take life too seriously…
no one ever gets out alive.

...