Empathy... better with it or without it

 Definition of empathy (from the Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

the action of understanding, being aware of,
being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing
the feelings, thoughts, and experience
of another of either the past or present 

When you have empathy you can relate to the pain and sorrow that another person may be experiencing — if you hear of someone losing a close family member something triggers your own feeling of loss, either real or imagined. You feel FOR the person because you understand what he is going through.When you understand what that individual is going through you might be able to offer solace, comfort and support. BUT... if your level of empathy encompasses you it may drown you in those emotions causing you mental anguish and making you unable to offer comfort to the bereaved.Being compassionate is a healthy form of empathy as you understand what someone is going through and can still maintain a mental distance by staying aware that this is SOMEONE ELSE'S loss. You can offer support and comfort without losing yourself in the sorrow.Being sympathetic, while certainly nice (on the surface) may or may not be disingenuous. You hear bad news and you offer platitudes — but do you really feel for the individual or just know that it's the polite response?Certain relationships do better when people can empathize with one another. Parents who can truly understand what their children are feeling, their angst and insecurities, can offer much needed support and guidance. Health-care workers can help to emotionally support their patients along with the medical help they provide. However if the empathy is too all-encompassing it is easy to lose oneself, be depressed and insecure. Too much empathy can even result in manifested health problems, sleepless nights, and damage to other relationships.

When it comes to feeling loss, grief is a very personal thing and not everyone feels the same things. Religious customs sometimes play a big role in the way a person grieves and accepts their loss; although it is uncommon that a loss is ever truly “accepted”, the pain often lingers and sometimes causes tears even years later. The relationship a person has had with the now deceased may have been complex, even painful, and the survivor now has to juggle their mixed emotions.

There are times that SOME of us cannot understand another person’s reaction to grief, but do we really have a right to expect someone to break down and cry when that loss happens? Maybe the person is in shock and that overwhelming grief has yet to hit. Or maybe the person’s upbringing taught them unwavering steps to follow? Or, sadly, maybe a person’s childhood left him with an inability to show their emotions?

It’s not for any of us to judge how someone else mourns and grieves. All we can do is be compassionate and certainly never take joy in another’s person’s pain. Remember though that you can always be there and care.

“Any man's death diminishes me,
because I am involved in mankind,
and therefore never send to know
for whom the bells tolls;
it tolls for thee.”
~ John Donne

An Open Note to My Offspring ~ #MondayBlogs

Just because you are grown, married and self-supporting adults does not mean that I, as your mother, the woman who raised you, will not stop worrying about you and caring about your welfare.

A mother's heart doesn't turn off after 18-years, it doesn't even turn off after 30 or 40. And if your mother is still around when you have your own charges to worry about, she will still experience frantic moments of concern, irrational fears, and shed tears whenever you are hurting.

When I hear of mayhem and connect it, correctly or not, to the place you might be, I can't describe the paralyzing fear that I feel suspended in. When you are ill I am perfectly ready to trade places with you if only you will be well. And when you have reason to cry, your tears slice right through me with pain almost too heavy to bear.

You are my child... forever. And it is my right, not obligation, to carry you in my heart. Ironically even the children I did not raise, who became my children after becoming your love, also get a healthy share of my concern and worry. This is all just a mother's love.

And now that you are adults and making your own way in this world I adore and chuckle when you show a similar anxiety for my well-being, when you worry about my driving home from your place, or when you call me on my cell and demand "Where are you?" simply because I didn't answer my phone at home. I love the concern you have for your dad and me and maybe you can understand a tiny bit how I feel.

So when I ask you to text me when you get home or call me when you're late arriving, or I express my worries about the distance you are driving in nasty weather — laugh at me if you want, but please don't ignore my pleas. This is the way I was programmed from the moment I heard your first heartbeat, I knew I loved you and would always care about you.

Call me neurotic...

Call me a worrywart...

Call me Mom.

#MondayBlogs - Think first of others

When someone is upset by an event in their life such as the cancellation of a dream vacation, the loss of a pet, the break-up of a romance which you might not have approved of, or any stress caused by something they feel is important, it is NOT your job to tell them they don’t have a right to be upset. I’ve heard folks tell others that they are not the first person to…, so get over it; or say things like I didn’t like him anyway; it was only a pet; or even comparing their plight to another’s and making it trivial.

Anytime someone faces an abrupt change, or feels like things are beyond their control, or faces a disruption to their routine, it can cause stress and feelings of crisis. People react to stress in individual ways, they have different priorities, strengths and weaknesses. No one has the right to minimize another person’s concerns, fears, love, loss or sadness. Supporting someone who is in crisis mode means respecting their feelings and not putting your own feelings first. You may not care for dogs but telling someone who just lost their beloved pet that “it was only a dog” is cruel and thoughtless.

Practice kindness by showing compassion for someone who is suffering. Compassion begins with understanding their feelings, empathizing with them, and the desire to help them survive the stress. Minimizing and ignoring their feelings may be easier for you, but does nothing to help them. Respect their feelings, don’t criticize them. Be there to lend a shoulder or an ear, hold them (literally or figuratively) and let them know you care. Their feelings are important to them, respect that. This also holds true for celebrating accomplishments – it’s a big thing and important, so applaud them loudly and congratulate them without limits. 

“Compassion brings us to a stop, and for a moment we rise above ourselves.” ~Mason Cooley

I’ve been fortunate with the people surrounding me – one of my pussycats was recently very ill (thank goodness he seems to be recovering nicely) and friends and family offered encouragement and showed genuine concern. It really was appreciated.