When Do You Stop Being a Parent? ~ #MondayBlogs

When? For most of us the automatic response is NEVER!

But as our offspring grow from toddlers to teens and finally branch out on their own as adults, our roles do change drastically. So often it seems as if our children challenge everything from the moment they can say their first words so we should be used to it when they become rebellious teens. By the time they are young adults you are pretty much considered the cute but doddering old person who is now ready to switch out on who changes whose diaper.

Let’s begin with WHAT is a parent (mom or dad) — parents should do their best to ensure the health and safety of the child; parents teach by example; a parent sets rules, explains them with more than just “because”, and doles out appropriate consequences if they are not followed; parents help the child learn problem solving and decision making; parents help teach responsibility, assign chores and allow their child to deal with penalties when they shirk responsibilities; parents encourage goal setting; and a parent teaches that respect is a two-way street. Most of all parents need to provide unconditional love and constant emotional support without making a big deal of it.

The end-game is to teach our young to grow to become independent adults who can make their own decisions, take care of themselves, and pursue their own visions. Ideally, even while our child’s growth makes us (feel) obsolete and useless, we should continue living our own lives without guilt, without worry, and hopefully without having to “bail” our kids out of jams. IMPOSSIBLE.

We never stop worrying and wanting to be part of our children’s lives, and we should be content to live vicariously without stealing any of their glory. Sometimes it takes some of the burden off of our shoulders when we know they have someone to go through life with, to take care of AND be taken care of. And while we are not responsible for the mistakes they may make, it is inconceivable for us to stay silent and try, TRY, to guide them… besides they don’t want to listen anyway.

We never stop loving our children or feeling a “knife” twist in our hearts when we know they are hurting. Even when our offers of advice and help get turned down FLAT, we still push at least a little even when we have to suffer their wrath. If we have faith, we pray non-stop others, burn candles and fashion amulets, and still others may resort to bribes. A parent would do anything to make sure his or her child is happy, safe and accepted.

In addition to accepting the fact that we seem to be constant embarrassments to our offspring, we need to always be there just in case they do decide they want us. We live for the moments when they do seek our opinions.

A parent’s job is NEVER done.

In Laws In Love ~ #MondayBlogs

My parents gave life to two daughters; we were both loved and spoiled rotten by our folks. My dad, a Latin male, was the kind of man that would have loved sons, but he never made my sister or me feel less because we were girls. As a matter of fact, maybe because he wanted to pal around with his offspring, he taught us that we should never let anyone tell us we couldn’t do something because we were female.  Still we always asked him if he missed not having sons and he told us that one day he would have; Daddy told us that it was our job to “bring him his sons” referring to his eventual son-in-laws.

My sister was married five years before me and Daddy proudly announced that he had one of his sons. My mom always spoke about her three children and explained her “son-in-law” was her “son-in-love”. When I was married my dad proudly proclaimed that he was father to two beautiful daughters and two handsome sons. Mommy told us that the extraneous titles didn’t change anything, once you were family, you WERE family and that there was plenty of love to go around.

Our parents have long since passed away and my sister and I often discuss the meaning of family. You don’t have to be born into it, you can be a member of the family by choice, such as marriage, and there are no delineations like second, third or so-many-times removed cousins. Our Machatenista, parents of our “in-law” children, are our new sisters and brothers. Cousins to our cousins, from the other side of their family, are our cousins. The in-laws to our in-laws become our family. I introduce people to my sister and my brother and chuckle when they raise an eyebrow after hearing about their sons and daughters.

We are all family. We enjoy the warmth of extended family and the feeling of belonging — it’s never feeling alone and it is wonderful.

Home is Where the Safety Net Is ~ #MondayBlogs

As we have now reached the time in our lives when we are facing empty-nest years, I can't help looking back and examining our parenting prowess and hoping that we did a decent job.

In our home our children brought home school drawings and projects which were posted on the refrigerator and the kitchen walls. Our living room walls were filled with family pictures (predominantly the children) through the years, and even when they were "naughty" and being receiving just-punishment, they were never denied affirmations of love. As a mom I tended to be over-protective and it took a whole lot of will-power to learn to cut the apron-strings, but I wanted my children to feel and be safe from whatever forces I could control.  We wanted our children to know the real world, even the ugly side, but we never wanted them to feel they would have to face it alone.

I believe that a child's home should be the place they feel safe, secure, encouraged and loved.  I know that there are situations where children are cheated by abusive parents and that thought so totally angers me. I am talking about the "average" expectations of home life — the type of environment every child should be entitled to; I wish every child happiness, safety and love.

My 30-year-old just married son  and I had a recent conversation about parenting. His insights, as usual, left me thinking.

We talked his definition of a Safe Haven, a term I've used to try to describe my ideal of home life. To him a Safe Haven kept a child isolated from real-world problems, the parents would shelter their offspring and in the end, not because of any ill-will, deny them the ability to make hard decisions on their own. According to my son, parents need to allow their children to fail now and then, and to learn that they are not always the best. He was vehement that Participation Trophies are horrible life lessons that served as a reward for not even trying. But he did assure me that his childhood was filled with love and encouragement and that he wasn't complaining.

Even though we might have disagreed on some definitions, we did agree on the need to encourage children to try their best and that there were times they might not succeed. It is okay to fail IF YOU TRIED and that winning was never a requirement to be loved; however competition was healthy and winners should be acknowledged and rewarded. If you support the idea of Participation Trophies for very young children, they should never replace or be substituted for winning accolades. If someone (child or adult) is part of a winning team effort, you can acknowledge all of the players, but the reward for the MVP should stand out. Truth be told, if my effort and accomplishment is greater than another person's, it is a slight to receive the same recognition — why should I even bother?

Daughter and son are married adults with spouses who help to provide support and encouragement nowadays. Our daughter has constantly reminded us that we raised her to be independent and able to make her own decisions and when necessary they work their problems and decisions out as couples.. I am comforted by how capable they both are. I look forward to the day I get to see what kind of parents my offspring will be, which of our methods will be emulated and which will be avoided.

For now, I am learning to cook for two again, to make our own plans and to admire the adults our children have become. And I am hoping that I've done a decent job as mom.