Genealogy

I’ve talked about my genealogy research many times, but I was remembering back to, I think it was 2008, when a distant cousin on my mom’s side began an intensive search to find as many relatives as possible. To my awe, and annoyance, one of my first cousins made it very clear that she was vehemently opposed to this family tree being built and had no interest in it — her pronouncement of “I’ve got too much family already” shocked many of us. What an insult that was!

Several of us were perturbed and felt that she was too self-centered (and indeed through the years she lived up to that hype). But I have often wondered HOW could you have too much family? I am very aware of a traumatic time period where my husband and I lost all four parents within a four-and-a-half year period. I guess when you have family and loved ones, you are vulnerable to that aching pain when you lose someone. Maybe avoiding that pain is worth it, to some, by not allowing yourself to grow attached to someone else; but then look at all of the joy you are missing out on.

 Since that first distant cousin whet my appetite for learning all about my roots, my lineage, and my legacy, I’ve actually gotten to meet (sometimes only in the virtual sense) many, many relatives. I’ve learned things about my family that I hadn’t even thought of before and now, since so many of the older generation are gone, I am having to dig up more of this info on my own. I’ve learned that my paternal grandmother (my dad’s bio mom) was one of at least nine children and I have gotten to meet a couple of her great-great nieces and nephews, or better known as my third-cousins. I had no idea anyone of that side of the family even existed. I’ve actually made good friends with some of the people who share my bloodlines. I’ve become friends with distant cousins on my mom’s side as well.

And yes, it is true that you open yourself up to more heartaches when you care about more people, but the times you can speak with them and share, and find out how many similarities you actually have, it fills your heart with joy and wonder. It’s unfortunate, but I know that I probably will never get to actually meet some of these people face-to-face, but luckily our internet capabilities do allow us to “see” each other and talk in real-time. Being surrounded by family is just so warming. I think the biggest problem I have is not being able to spend time chatting with each, there just isn’t enough time.

And of course my long-term friends and more immediate family members are not lost just because I’ve reached out through the vast web of relations. By the way I saw a meme on Facebook today that said simply “If you’ve been friends for more than seven years, you may as well be family”. Indeed some friendships (non-blood) have lasted longer and have been closer than some people in the family you are born into. Whether there is actual blood between us or not though I could never close myself off to the people that surround me, virtually or in close proximity.

No, you never can have too much family.

I Say Po-TAY-To, You Say Po-TAH-To

The original title of this week’s blog post was going to be “The Dumbing Down of the English Language” but then after an interesting discussion I was reminded that we each look at things from different perspectives. (The discussion was on Facebook of course, where else during these days of social distancing do you have the chance to discuss topics with such passion?)

There was a recent article about Houston realtors wanting to formally drop the term “Master”, such as in suite, bedroom, bathroom, etc. from their listings and replacing the term with “Principle”. I immediately thought of the bathroom unit attached to the bedroom my husband and I use; when we bought this house the description called it the Master Suite (aka the Master Bedroom and the Master Bath) and these two units take up one entire side of our home. The other side of our house has two more bedrooms (which we use as a den/office and a guest room) and the Main Bathroom. My first inane thought was how confusing it would be to say the Main Bathroom and the Principle Bathroom! Then of course I started thinking of all the places we could replace the word “Master” — Master’s Degree, Master Chef, Masterpiece, and (sorry) Masturbate…

Then I went on the read the article and learned the reasoning behind the change and I truly felt some guilt for making fun of it. It is the belief that America’s descendants of slaves associate the term Master with their history of slavery and having to serve AND BE OWNED by often cruel Masters. While some part of me still sees no need for the exclusion of the word from realtor listings, another part of me feels a little guilty for not immediately understanding and being sensitive. After reading the explanations and the descriptions of slaves who were both brought here against their will and then subjugated, actually bought and sold, and OWNED by MASTERS, I understand now my need to be sensitive to the horrors and possible triggers of this and other terms.

It isn’t that I wasn’t thinking, I just didn’t understand the perspective that descendants of people who were OWNED and subservient had. I will try better to understand the views, associations, and pain that such terms cause. And if indeed the word is struck from general use then it is my goal to accept it fully. In the end it is all about perspective and it sometimes blurs the right and wrong, but once it’s been pointed out we need to be more considerate of each other.

It’s My Life

As I wrote in my post “Heritage” I’ve been researching my genealogy. I feel so blessed to have made connections that I never had any idea about before. I’ve met cousins (often 3^rd through…) and we’ve shared stories which are amazing!

One of the most astonishing things I’ve found are so many similarities, so often I find we think alike and even share favorite expressions — even though we’ve never met before, and often the generation before us had no interaction either. Our mutual likes, dislikes, and even political views really makes me believe in genetic memory!

Now I admit I am not the first one of my relatives to have pursued building a family tree. Many years ago, about a decade, a cousin on my mom’s paternal side tracked down and recorded EIGHT generations! It was a monumental task. Ironically the family tree showed a connection to a person I had known for a few years… talk about a small world.

But there are more trees that intertwine to make me who I am and I have started researching more on my mom’s maternal side. To be perfectly honest my mother was raised in the same small town where many of these people once resided and so many of them remembered her as a child (unfortunately she passed away several years before this cousin reached out to my sister and me). But I’ve formed precious friendships (several through the convenience of the internet).

My dad’s side was quite a bit more challenging as he grew up in a broken home (and again, he passed away rather early as well) so it hasn’t been easy to find out much. Unfortunately the few generations before me have thinned and not a lot of information has been available. I recently found out that my paternal grandfather had a sister but aside from having the name of the man she married I couldn’t find out anything else about her.

Surprisingly, the one grandparent I had little hope of tracking, my dad’s mother, has recently been the newest “tree” in my history. Thanks to that DNA test I took (23andme) I connected with a lovely cousin. We are close in age and grandchildren of sisters. She and I have shared several wonderful conversations about ourselves, our (current) families and so many of the family names that have repeated themselves in both of our lines. This cousin has been involved in a rather extensive family tree which, to my surprise, actually included my parents although neither my sister nor I were known about.

I never could figure out how one figures out anything beyond first cousins – so whether any of these lovely folks I am connected to are related two generations, or longer, ago, we have just all chosen to drop the numerical value of “cousin”. Trying to figure out the number of “great(s)” that comes before a mutual grandparent AND figuring out if you are of the same generation or not gives me a headache. I just prefer to call each relative COUSIN.

Aside from having this yearning to find out more of my roots, I am hoping o compile a bit of a book which I can pass down to my own children, nieces and nephews to help keep the family story very much alive. I know I have a lot of work to do but I am looking forward to this task because, well, THIS IS MY LIFE!

Heritage

“I mean, they say you die twice.
One time when you stop breathing and a second time,
 a bit later on,
when somebody says your name for the last time.”
― Banksy

The older I grow, the more important it seems to me to know about my heritage, the generations that came and went before me. While it is important to me to know, it is more important that I leave a record of our past for the future generations. Maybe it is a way of not letting go of those loved ones I’ve already lost. Maybe passing on the stories of our heritage will keep my memory alive after I am gone.

I recently had a DNA test done and have actually been able to connect with a few more distant cousins (we really don’t use numbers, a cousin is a cousin). I’ve enjoyed hearing stories of the different branches of the family. Actually a little more than ten years ago a cousin came to my sister and me and said he was trying to put together a detailed family tree ~ he actually managed to track down a huge number of relatives even without these DNA kits so many are using today.

I’ve also been using a site that features old and varied newspapers and, wow, my own Mom had quite a social life in her hometown; I wish she was still around to talk with me about it. Using the internet and the many search sites (yes, some ARE free) has helped me find connections and learn stories of my family’s past. I learned that a number of my “great-aunts and great-uncles” never escaped the horrors of concentration camps and I am so sorry that many of their lives were cut so short that they didn’t get much chance to leave a legacy. I found out about a paternal great-aunt I never knew existed and am still trying to learn more about her.

In my quest to learn more about relatives and discussions with new-found cousins, I’ve come to believe very strongly in the “six degrees of separation” and have listened to stories about folks who were close friends of distant cousins, or even had connections to folks I already knew. I’ve learned about business ventures and accomplishments with my own family, and most importantly I’ve been able to share in the joys, and sometimes sorrows, that life brings. It is absolutely fantastic to share as family.

For now I have many of my notes and records in a computer file but I have hopes of actually printing a master book of all my ancestral and current family tree. The hardest part will be keeping the different branches separate, but separate only on paper. And I will include information about myself and my husband as well as our offspring and their spouses. And maybe one day a young child will be able to ask about me and I will kind of live on through these recorded stories.

 

Who Am I?

I was so excited to find that my “report” was available today, it was more than a week before I expected it. I sent in my “sample” to one of the more popular DNA companies and while I already know SOME of my ancestry (a few cousins and I did lots of research), I want to know more.

Unfortunately my parents died when I was just a young adult and I never had the opportunity to ask questions that I didn’t even think of until I was raising a family. Now grandparents, aunts and uncles are also gone. It is startling to realize that I am now among the elders of my family (I really don’t feel that old!) I have an amazing thirst for my past, where I came from and stories that might also be a bit embarrassing. In many ways my ancestry is what made me who I am today.

My maternal grandparents immigrated to this country as youngsters or teens, I’m really not sure. My paternal grandfather was born in Puerto Rico but that was before PR was a United States territory. I’ve heard romantic stories about my paternal grandmother being conceived (and maybe born?) on a ship crossing the Atlantic Ocean. What made each of them come HERE, to the mainland where I was born and raised? Without their decisions I would not be here. Heck, without my grandparents’ journey to the United States mainland, my parents might not have even met.

I’ve heard rumors of notable ancestors but without substantial proof. I cling to the tales my folks told me as a child about how they met and bits and pieces about their courtship. And even those stories leave questions as my sister remembers some slightly different tales than I do. So I want to know more. I want to leave a WRITTEN history of my family for my offspring and the generations to come. 

A few years ago a distant cousin began a search into our shared lineage (my maternal grandfather’s line) and it was fascinating, it went back eight generations to eight sons, but even that was incomplete as none of the possible daughters were recorded in the many sources. But it was still fascinating to learn some of the details. And imagine my surprise when I talked about some info I learned and an acquaintance that I had known for a little more than a year actually asked me why I was talking about HIS family! I had no idea that I was (even distantly) related to him.

There are those who don’t share my thirst for knowledge of ancestors. Some of these people don’t believe in genetic memories… or maybe are even wary about what they might find out. I respect their sense of “privacy” and not wanting to delve into yesterday — but that is NOT me. I say bring it on, bring on my ancestors and the stories of their lives, bring on my relatives both close and distant. Several of us in my maternal grandfather’s family tree don’t bother with the numerical designations, we are just all cousins.

And yes, if you ever do an Ancestry kit and find my name in your list of DNA matches please reach out, I will always welcome another Cousin!