Mortality

Understandably as we grow older, mortality seems to be an ever-present tingle in our minds… and yes, sometimes the thought is VERY scary. We lose folks around us that mean a lot, and we discover new aches, pains, and things that just don’t work as well anymore. But instead of fearing the INEVITABLE (NO ONE ESCAPES!) and burying ourselves in what once was, I choose to look forward.

 

I choose to be thankful for the things and people I have had in my life, and the time I had with them. I choose to be thankful for what I have now. I choose to be thankful for now, who and what I am, my memories, and my ability to hope for a tomorrow. Yes, I still shed tears for people I miss, my parents, my sister, a couple of cousins, a few friends… and yes, even some beautiful pussycats. But I try not to let my tears consume me, and I know that those I love and loved wouldn’t want me to waste a single day or moment that I have left.

 

And yet I can’t help, every time my phone rings at an unlikely hour, and every time I don’t get a response from someone I’ve reached out to, just a little bit of a shudder and a slap of what could be reality… and thankfully MOST of these alarms are simply false as I breathe a sigh of relief. I just don’t ever want to waste a day, I don’t want to waste any time telling someone how much I love them, I don’t want to waste any time cuddling a pussycat. Yes, I want to spend time reliving some of our memories with my loved ones, and I also want to make lots of new ones.

 

And when the day comes when I am gone, and those I leave behind shed a few tears, I hope they will live and love the happiest lives they can… mostly for them (and selfishly, just a little tinge for me). I truly believe the best honor we can each do for our dear loved ones is to live each new day as fully as possible and to remember our shared memories long after we can no longer share.

 

Here is to EVERY tomorrow!

 

Heritage

“I mean, they say you die twice.
One time when you stop breathing and a second time,
 a bit later on,
when somebody says your name for the last time.”
― Banksy

The older I grow, the more important it seems to me to know about my heritage, the generations that came and went before me. While it is important to me to know, it is more important that I leave a record of our past for the future generations. Maybe it is a way of not letting go of those loved ones I’ve already lost. Maybe passing on the stories of our heritage will keep my memory alive after I am gone.

I recently had a DNA test done and have actually been able to connect with a few more distant cousins (we really don’t use numbers, a cousin is a cousin). I’ve enjoyed hearing stories of the different branches of the family. Actually a little more than ten years ago a cousin came to my sister and me and said he was trying to put together a detailed family tree ~ he actually managed to track down a huge number of relatives even without these DNA kits so many are using today.

I’ve also been using a site that features old and varied newspapers and, wow, my own Mom had quite a social life in her hometown; I wish she was still around to talk with me about it. Using the internet and the many search sites (yes, some ARE free) has helped me find connections and learn stories of my family’s past. I learned that a number of my “great-aunts and great-uncles” never escaped the horrors of concentration camps and I am so sorry that many of their lives were cut so short that they didn’t get much chance to leave a legacy. I found out about a paternal great-aunt I never knew existed and am still trying to learn more about her.

In my quest to learn more about relatives and discussions with new-found cousins, I’ve come to believe very strongly in the “six degrees of separation” and have listened to stories about folks who were close friends of distant cousins, or even had connections to folks I already knew. I’ve learned about business ventures and accomplishments with my own family, and most importantly I’ve been able to share in the joys, and sometimes sorrows, that life brings. It is absolutely fantastic to share as family.

For now I have many of my notes and records in a computer file but I have hopes of actually printing a master book of all my ancestral and current family tree. The hardest part will be keeping the different branches separate, but separate only on paper. And I will include information about myself and my husband as well as our offspring and their spouses. And maybe one day a young child will be able to ask about me and I will kind of live on through these recorded stories.

 

Who will remember me?

I went to a shiva call the other night (shiva: In Judaism, the first period of structured mourning. Throughout the shiva period, mourners come together in the mourner’s home to offer their condolences and support.) Although it might sound odd to those who are not familiar with the custom, this shiva was truly what one should hope for.

Yes, everyone offered their condolences and concern for the bereaved, but then the house was filled with smiles, chuckles, and remembered stories to share. The table and counters were laden with trays of cookies, cakes, fruits and hot foods — all brought by visitors or sent by friends to help “take care” of the grieving family.

The house was full, so much so that there was barely a place to sit, with friends who knew the deceased (some from early childhood), knew the mourning family, and distant relatives. The woman had been a teacher and former students and her fellow teachers came, neighbors stopped in, members of her social club. There were a lot of people filled with love.

Seeing how this woman touched so many lives and how many people loved her makes someone wonder at their own mortality and how she will be remembered when her time comes. Of course I know my immediate family will be there and most probably some cousins and even a neighbor or two… but will the funeral chapel be filled and will my loved ones’ home be filled with people who remember me and who will help to ease the grief?

I’ve been haunted by a funeral I once attended. She was, in my heart, a wonderful person, but she had survived all of her blood family and many long-time friends. There was a storm the day of the funeral and while she had been active in her local community, she had pre-made her arrangements in a funeral home that necessitated public transportation for her neighbors to attend. Between those that weren’t left to mourn her passing, the horrible weather, and the distance from her small circle of friends, there were only five of us (plus the officiant) in the chapel. Six people to send her on her way. Six.

When it is my time, will there be a houseful of people to remember me, or only a mere handful to send me off? Which one will I be? I hope that people will laugh and smile, I hope that I will be remembered fondly, and I hope there will be warm hearts to surround my loved ones and help them to move on.

He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much;

Who has gained the respect of intelligent men and the love of little children;

Who has filled his niche and accomplished his task;

Who has left the world better than he found it;

Who has looked for the best in others and given the best he had;

Whose life was an inspiration;

Whose memory is a benediction.

~ Robert Louis Stevenson

Legacy ~ #MondayBlogs

Whenever we have a spate of celebrity deaths or are personally touched by loss we frequently begin to think of our own mortality. Death is inevitable for everyone, it doesn’t matter if you are rich or poor, nice or mean, or man or woman… nobody gets out alive. What kind of legacy do you want to leave behind you when the time comes in the hopefully distant future? What do you want to be remembered for?

In Judaism it is believed that there are ways to avoid a “second death” by remembering someone, doing good deeds in that person’s name, and always being inspired by the deceased to make us want to live better and more thoughtful lives. How do we assure that we will be remembered? How can we be the kind of person who could inspire goodness in others?

Think of the things you would WANT to be remembered for; think of the things you believe you WOULD be remembered for. Compare those two lists — which do you want more? Do you think you would be remembered for the hours you spent away from your family making more money than you truly needed? Would you be remembered for the fancy car you drove? Or would you be remembered for your generosity and compassion for those around you?

When I am no longer physically on this earth I hope that people would remember that they felt comfortable talking to me because they could trust me; I would want to be remembered for the time I gave to family and friends; I want folks to remember that I was passionate about living beings and their welfare; and I would want to be remembered for my laughter and my tears when others needed it most. I want my friends and family to know that I accepted that I was a mere human trying my best to be decent and thoughtful. When I die I would hope that people would celebrate the life I lived and would remember at least some happiness they had for knowing me.

Live your life well, make the “dash” between the dates on your headstone mean something. Enjoy the hugs you share with loved ones, the laughter you hear from children playing, the sounds and smells of nature all around you, and the joy you feel when you’ve made someone smile. Be the kind of person you would admire and know the difference between false vanity and the true “success” of respect. Do your job well, not just for the reward of money, but because the way you do your job makes this a better world for someone. Hold your lover’s hand, not because you expect something in return, but because you just want to be there with him/her.

Live a wonderful life full of joy and happiness.

...