Regrets, I've Had a Few…

I don't believe any one has gone through life who hasn't wished they could change something in their past. For me the most dangerous time to think about the things I WISH I could re-do differently are the quiet hours of the night when I can't sleep and I am alone, IN MY HEAD, to think and dwell… and sometimes cry.

Was I a good daughter? My parents died so early into my adult years that I've had a lot of time to wonder about that one. Every child and parent has squabbles over, what now seems many years later, to have been inconsequential matters, things that have no importance now. I know that as a fully grown adult and a parent myself — and yet, in what I refer to as my "Dark Hours" I keep wondering if I spent enough time with them, made them proud of me. Maybe I shouldn't have waited to help them fulfill a "dream' they both had of a renewal of wedding vows before a Rabbi (they had been married by a Justice of the Peace) – I was waiting for another milestone anniversary, but my dad died before their 32^nd anniversary and my mom less than two years later.

Was I a good mom to my own offspring? Could I have set a better example, spent more time with them, helped them with their homework more? I worry, and yet both our daughter and son grew into incredible human beings despite me. Have I been a good wife to my husband? He's been my best friend since our marriage, actually before, almost 46 years ago and we say "I love you" to each other more than once a day. Yes, we've had spats, but… Again, in my "Dark Hours" I fret.

Yet, there is nothing I can do to re-do or un-do my yesterdays. Ironic that the expression some use is "You've made your bed" when that is exactly where I am lying and TRYING to sleep next to my slumbering husband when I have my "Dark Hours". Sometimes I will lie awake for hours just dwelling on all the things I cannot change and all of my uncertainties surface.

In the morning, however, I wake (sometimes after very little sleep) to face a new day and I actually feel ready and capable to tackle it. After all, TODAY is the ONLY day I have some control over. As Mother Theresa said, "Yesterday is gone, tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today, let us begin."

I wish you few "Dark Hours", many restful nights, and the happiness of a promised tomorrow.

 

Memories ~ #MondayBlogs

Memories are forever yours and yet there are times when the memories should be stored so that you never do forget.

Life changes, sometimes sad and more times happy, are good reasons to preserve those memories. In the fun movie 50 First Dates reminders of the past allowed the main character to move on with her life. Most of us thank goodness enjoy the ability to remember...

Baby albums which follow a child through grade school are precious memory keepers. Souvenirs from family trips help keep the fun in mind. Video-tapes, CDs and DVRs along with the older 8mm home films help to keep the images alive.

One of life's changes involves moving on such as leaving a family home for new adventures. Preparing to leave a home where children grew up, where rooms were witness to first steps, where couples grew old together can bring joyful tears and a need to hold on.

I'm making a "Memory Album" filled with my childrens' third grade paintings, greeting cards that were given to me through the years for various occasions, photographs of various keepsakes that would never survive packing and moving. Maybe paper waste to some, these memories will help to augment the ones I carry in my mind and heart.

In days to come I will be able to sit with my treasures and enjoy the past even when the past is no longer within my reach. I'm overly sentimental, I know. I look forward to my tomorrows. Everything that has happened to me has led me to where I am going and the future holds such promise.

#TBT for real!

Today was just such an appropriate day to unexpectedly meet up with someone I haven't seen in about 15 years — after all, it is #ThrowbackThursday, the day we all try to trigger a bit of a time tunnel trip to the past.

After picking up an item at a local store I was just beginning to back my car out of a parking space when I was flagged down by a smiling woman who had just parked her own vehicle. She looked familiar as she neared my car...

"I know you!"
"You look familiar, too."
"We were in the same Bat Mitzvah class together!"
...

(We were both Bat Mitzvah'd as adults, I was 40 and it was about a year AFTER my daughter's Bat Mitzvah at 13) 

Circumstances had changed, the shul we both went to went belly-up, and we lost touch through the years. But it was just so good to see each other again.

I re-parked my car and went back into the store with her and we just stood and chatted asking about each other's families and the latest news. 10... 15 minutes went by far too fast; maybe it was 20? We exchanged contact info and promised each other we'll keep in touch.

I hope we do.