Eyes Wide Open

 

Many of us have the luxury of growing up “without a care in the world” — yet as life goes on and we face hardship or loss, our attitudes change, our priorities shift. It’s not only the sad times that change us.

 

Try to think back to your childhood; What were your biggest concerns? What were the things you were sure you knew all there was to know? How confident were you that you could handle anything that came your way? Hopefully, as a child, you were able to know love, you were kept warm and nourished, and your biggest problems were which toy you wanted to play with — I was indeed one of the lucky ones.

 

My parents weren’t rich, but they were extremely loving and made sure that my sister and I were cared for. Even if some of our “wants” were beyond their means, they made sure we had what we needed. One of my favorite playthings was a dollhouse made of a cardboard box and plastic toy rejects made at the company where my dad worked. My mom was disabled for as far back as I can remember, but she was always there to talk out our problems, to help us with our schoolwork and to teach us about growing up.

 

Eventually I did grow up. Life was different. My sister was married and a mom herself, and my dad had been sick and it scared all of us, fortunately he did recover. And I had met the man I fell in love with and we got married. Life seemed idyllic as we began our married life in a place of our own and even with job loss and an out-of-control downstairs neighbor, things were going well. Then life changed… a little more than one year into our married life both my husband and I had to bury our fathers less than three weeks apart. And less than two years later my mom passed away. No matter how old you are, when you lose a parent you feel like an abandoned child.

 

We pulled ourselves together as best we could and life went on. A house in the suburbs and we decided to grow our family. After two early miscarriages, our beautiful daughter was born. Life was wonderful, we enjoyed being parents and my mother-in-law was thrilled with her granddaughter. We tried again to expand our family and four months into my next pregnancy my mother-in-law died — and I miscarried again. Life continued changing. My doctor wasn’t optimistic about my getting pregnant again, but quite surprisingly, a positive test came back and at six-and-a-half months, we brought a beautiful baby boy into the world.

 

We went through the ups and downs of their finding their way through their childhood and teen years. Our two beautiful children grew into amazing adults, their individual accomplishments and adventures continued to thrill us. Amazingly we both saw similarities to our four parents (they are named for three of them, a niece is named for the fourth), we admired their activism, their skills, and their compassion. Each had romances, some false starts, and (today) they are both settled down with wonderful mates. Seeing our children grow has been total joy.

 

Four years ago my husband suffered a stroke, he was rushed to the hospital, thank G-d survived and spent the next two months in rehab. I will never forget how, just after midnight on our 41^st-anniversary, the doctor walked in with the diagnosis. I was devastated to learn that my wonderfully strong husband was disabled. Today, four years later, though he has regained several of his abilities, the effects of the stroke remain (which often frustrates him).

 

So in 700-words, this has been my life. My priorities have changed, wearing a fancy dress to a party is no longer the most important thing. Losing our parents, our miscarriages, 9/11, storms we literally weathered, my husband’s stroke and this pandemic has certainly helped me see what is really important. Having my family around, seeing my (grown) children’s happiness in their own homes, knowing they each have good people to experience life with, and still having my husband to grow old with… to quote the song, “these are a few of my favorite things”. Happiness is what you have in your heart, the memories you’ve made, the dreams you still look forward to.

 

In a poem by Linda Ellis, it’s said “what mattered most of all was the dash between those years” (between birth and death). I’d like to think that one day my dash will shine very brightly with my memories, my tears, my joys and the love I have always known.

 

Fear of Being Left Behind ~ #MondayBlogs

I woke up this morning with the strangest of dreams; without going into the complete detail, I wound up not being at a workplace for a couple of days (I believe for an illness?) and wound up being replaced my position done away with. While the dream had nothing based in reality, it still shook me up.

Like many of us there are times when I worry that I may have taken too much on and might be unable to complete everything I need to, worry that 24-hours a day isn’t enough time to do everything I choose to do, worry that maybe I can’t do the job that is expected of me, or just worry that maybe I am just easy to be replaced.

We would all like to feel that we can make an impact in this world and that we would be missed if we were suddenly gone. The reality is that for most of us, in terms of our skills and the impersonal jobs we do, most of us are replaceable. But it is family and friendships that truly make us unique, it’s how we cuddle our children and comfort them, it’s how we tell our partners that we love them, and it’s even how we pet our four legged fur-babies that truly makes us US.

Many people can and do go to schools to learn how to handle most tasks like keeping financial books, cook, build electronics, take blood pressures and more. So many of us add our own touches to jobs like teaching, designing, counseling, research, or writing. And there are some jobs such as first responders (EMS, FD, PD, etc) where split second decisions can make the difference between just doing our job and being heroes. And it should make us feel good when we do our jobs well.

Basically what I am trying to say is that too many of us get tangled up with trying to be the best and most needed at our jobs and prove our value by the amount of money we earn or the titles we wear; truthfully we need to concentrate on the kind of people we are, how we treat others and even how we treat ourselves. Our value lies not in some corner office or a paycheck, but in how we are seen in the eyes of the people who depend on us, our children, our spouses, our families.

If you lose a JOB or get passed over for a promotion life isn’t over; yes there may be challenges, but the important things in your life are the people around you. Pay attention to the people who are waiting for you at home, the family that you’ve grown up with, the friends you’ve had for years, the pets that get excited to see you walk in the door at day’s end. You won’t get left behind when you can share love and life and laughter.

Don’t let yourself get so tied up in knots over a job when there are more important things in life. Focus on what is important to your happiness not just today but in your tomorrows. Success is much more than a dollar figure, living a life well and making others happy is more important. Your job and paycheck may be necessary, and there is nothing wrong with ambition, but never let it become the only thing you live for. Don’t let the superficial things make you feel left behind, lost or worthless.

Don’t get so busy
making a living that
you forget to make a life.
 — Dolly Parton

Priorities ~ #MondayBlogs

One of the hardest things about being a grown-up is having to set priorities — we have to be reasonable about keeping our commitments, fulfilling our responsibilities and doing all the things we NEED to do instead of what we WANT to do.

We learn to trudge our way to work in the mornings and come home at night to make dinner, do laundry, help the kids with homework, and finally crawl into bed and wait for slumber just to do it all over again. We work, make money, pay bills, work some more… and while we are busy taking care of business, our children grow, our loved ones go about their business, and we get older and lose people from our lives. One day we look back and ask where did all the time go and wish we had spent a little more time on the things we now realize are the most important in our lives.

I understand that to a point we don’t have a choice, there are bills to pay to keep a roof over our heads, to feed our families, to pay doctors when need be. But should we lose ourselves in work to the point that instead of working to live, we live to work and forget about living.

I remember hearing a relative of mine, upon introducing his second wife to us, tell us that he was retiring because he wasn’t going to make the same mistake, this time he WAS going to take those vacations with the woman he loved, and he was going to spend time with her… and yes, he did regret that he cheated his first wife of time together because he was so absorbed in his job and making money and living up to other people’s standards. This man realized, now that he was remarried, that he had “sort of” a second chance to get it right and he wasn’t going to waste it.

Is it more important that our children look back and think how we replaced our living room furniture every few years or that they remember fun family vacations we all spent together? I believe the kids, especially when young, appreciate tearing the wrapping paper off a gift more than they worry what the price tag was. I watch parents who spend a fortune on holiday gifts, even when they know it is beyond their budget, because they don’t want their children to feel like they received anything less than their classmates. The old expression “keeping up with the Joneses” seems to be alive and well even today.

So yes we have to be responsible and there are things we are obligated to do, but don’t become so obsessed with earning money that your family value is less than your paycheck. Make sure you spend time with your loved ones while you can, take those vacations now when the children are young enough to still enjoy being with parents… even if all you do is make sure you take the time to give hugs and kisses to your children and your spouse and take the time to call your folks and see your siblings, treasure those moments. Birthday parties and phone calls are so much better as precious memories instead of regretful missed opportunities.

When I listen to my grown offspring talk about their childhoods, most of the stories are filled with family time adventures, jokes we shared, places we went together, and of course the “dumb” things Mommy and Daddy did — I honestly don’t recall hearing them talk about how much was spent on their Chanukah presents or whether we stayed in a more expensive hotel when traveling. Yes, there will always be TV advertisements for the latest and greatest and the kids hear the message loud and clear, but you know they survive without the “hottest toys of the year” even if they grumble for a while.

I’ve had a couple of decades to be a responsible and mature adult and now that I am “older” I’ve decided that I will still take SOME responsibility seriously, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have FUN as well.