Invisible

There are those of us who hide invisible illness, chronic conditions, pain and fatigue as much as we can. No matter how we hide sometimes it is unavoidable and it’s frustrating when the invisibility turns you into what others may assume is a hypochondriac or just lazy. While we function at home, in jobs, with our families or running errands around town, and we don’t look for excuses…

 

But sometimes the pain or fatigue gets to us and we need a little time to recoup, to rest, to let an analgesic help a bit, or to simply catch our breath and those are the times when someone, usually well meaning, comes along and suggests that perhaps we should get to bed earlier, or keep moving to stretch the muscles, or not need so many bathroom breaks, and many more bits of advice. The truth is that no one else, unless they’ve been there, understands what we go through and sometimes it actually hurts when they tease and call us lazy or slow. These same people do mean well but unless they see a cane, a wheelchair, a placard in our car window or other aids to help a person function, they just don’t understand.

 

None of us wants to wear a banner across our chests or announce to perfect strangers what our invisible condition may be. Our invisible conditions aren’t contagious (if they are we know how to protect the people around us), they don’t make us any less of a functioning and contributing adult; some children also suffer from invisible conditions. These syndromes can make us weak, cause pain, make us dizzy, short of breath, hungry, thirsty, and make us so tired we can’t keep our eyes open. Most times we manage our symptoms and if we are lucky some of us can even forget for a brief period that we have a “condition” — maybe that’s why it’s so easy for others not to realize that sometimes the symptoms do get the best of us.

 

The following is not a complete list but includes some of the types of conditions that are not always obvious to others: depression, anxiety, Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, Epstein Barr, Chronic Fatigue, Fibromyalgia, Celiac Disease, diabetes, cardiac abnormalities, migraines, Crohn’s disease, narcolepsy, food allergies, arthritis, hypoglycemia, colitis, IBS, epilepsy, Lyme Disease, Lupus, asthma, Meniere's Disease, phobias, hyper/hypo-active thyroid, and many more. Most laypeople reading this partial list will not be familiar with most, if any, of these conditions. There are even several doctors who are unfamiliar with the presenting symptoms and there is often misdiagnosis. Sometimes the patient is even told that it is all in his/her mind.

 

While many with chronic conditions have developed coping skills and can manage work and other activities with little interruption, some people do need extra consideration, and some cannot manage to take care of their home without help or hold down jobs. According to the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990 (ADA) “an individual with a disability is a person who: Has a physical or mental impairment that substantially limits one or more major life activities; has a record of such an impairment; or is regarded as having such an impairment.” There may be provisions to help an individual but many of us know that if we let a potential employer know that there may be days we won’t be up to doing our jobs the chances of being hired go down, so we don’t put our invisible condition on record. …when we call out sick too many days, well you have an idea of what happens.

 

The next time you see someone waiting for an elevator just to go one floor, or parking in a handicapped spot (WITH a proper placard) but doesn’t “appear” disabled, or someone asks for help to carry something (and you can help), or even just walks slowly, please don’t be so quick to criticize. Realize that maybe that person coming out of the handicapped stall in the bathroom needed the higher seat because of a back problem. And just because you saw your co-worker dancing at the holiday party it doesn’t mean that he/she can do the walking at the company golf-outing, it just may be an off day. While admittedly there will always be someone who cheats and takes advantage, most people do what they are capable of and know when they need a little help. While some people with an invisible illness may feel comfortable in letting you know about it, they are not obligated to prove anything to you.

 

To your health! 

Enthusiasm ~ #MondayBlogs

I had a really busy week (not all work related) and I was dragging by the time the weekend rolled around. By Saturday if I could have stayed in bed all day I would have. My husband’s sister and brother-in-law stopped by. Dear hubby brought dinner in so no one had to cook. Definitely a nice evening… but I still felt tired. And then my sister-in-law asked me how my writing was doing.

Suddenly I felt like I had a mega-dose of B12, caffeine, and my own box of Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies. I told her about some exciting developments and we spoke about a new manuscript I am fighting with. She gave me a helpful idea about one of my characters and it just felt right. We spoke about my non-fiction work and chatted about our real lives, offspring, future plans and more. We paused to take sips from our teacups and I realized, I wasn’t feeling tired anymore. I had a rush of child-like excitement and enthusiasm when I was talking about my work, writing.

No matter what your passion is when you get to do it, you’re happy. For me it’s being a writer. For others in my family circle passions include accounting, chemistry, psychology, photography, emergency services, and computers. Whatever career you pursue, in or out of the house, paid or volunteer, if it is what you want to be doing, it’s good for you.

“Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.” ~ Confucius

Okay, in reality what Confucius had to say may be a bit simplistic, after all there are always going to be times we would rather be relaxing on a beach or enjoying a hike rather than having to be responsible. Sigh… But it does help when we can get up every morning (or whatever shift you work) and not feel dread as we get ready for our workday. Also, the person who enjoys what he/she does will probably put in more effort and take more pride in achievements which is noticed by higher-ups and translates to more security and possibly more opportunities.

What is it that you really, really like doing? Take a look at the help wanted ads and find things that tie in (for instance if you like sports perhaps you can find work as a little league coach). While you need to earn enough to cover your expenses, if you are severely unhappy with the work you do it will affect your health and in the long run you lose more than you gain. When you come home to your family feeling satisfied and encouraged you will be a better communicator, leader and more open to your family’s needs. Yay, improvement of family life!

Do some soul searching and focus on what makes you happy. You may have to work for a living, but you don’t have to give up your happiness.

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I Would Do It Again ~ #MondayBlogs

Working as a freelancer, in any position, can be nerve-wracking. There are no guarantees of income, paid vacations, or health care. A writer and any creative artist must also split themselves between the creative right-brain and the no-nonsense business left-brain. It certainly isn’t easy.

But after 35+ years of freelancing with only a few years of W-2s in there, I would do it all again if I were starting over.

Not only have I worked as a freelance writer, I’ve also worked out of my own home and have often played around with work hours depending on demand. Some misconceptions that have caused me occasional frustration is when others don’t seem to comprehend that I am indeed working. While I have the freedom of beginning my work day in jammies and with my feet up (I admit, most days), I also have the responsibility of meeting commitments that I’ve made. Basically if I fail to meet my deadline(s) for any one or more of my clients, the chances of my getting future assignments are very low.

As a freelancer I don’t really work for myself, I work for every client I have. I negotiate my deals, accept assignments and promise to get the job done, and sometimes put up with temperamental subjects without losing my cool or grumbling to others (too much). The hardest part of working for myself is not having any back-up (some freelancers work in teams and might be able to avoid this), in my case if I don’t do it I let down my client. I’ll let you know here that I was an adult when I finally came down with chicken-pox (got it from my children) and I worked every day in my office anyway because there was no one else to do it.

Many people differentiate between being a freelancer and being self-employed. The general descriptions say that a freelancer does occasional pieces of work for others and works as a solitary unit; while self-employed means you run your company, serve customers and often hire others to work for you. Sometimes the terms can be interchangeable.

In the long run there is a huge pride in being able to say “this is totally mine” and to know that I am following my calling. Writing is the equivalent to breathing for me and I love knowing that, even though I am working, “I am not working a day of my life.” I enjoy knowing that people read the words I write, and yes, I do enjoy working in my jammies!

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The Unexpected Happens ~ #MondayBlogs

This past week I learned of folks who had sudden and rather unexpected changes occur in their professional lives.

In one there was a long time small press that announced they will soon be closing their doors. I know a few authors who are affected by this and while we haven’t discussed it I can only imagine the scrambling that is going on in their minds. (I know how much I love my publisher and the state I would be in.) Many of these authors already have their books in print, some have books that were due to be released.

While rights will eventually be returned to the individual authors (as per contract terms), these authors who felt secure in their accomplishments will now have to find other publishers or consider self-publishing options; hopefully they will pursue getting their books back out there as soon as they can, it would be a shame to deny their readers the chance to enjoy those captivating stories.

The other instance involves a health care provider that (for a variety of reasons) suddenly closed their doors leaving their employees UN-employed with less than 90-minutes notice. These employees have various home and financial situations, many are responsible as the breadwinners for their families. People are in shock and as the business week begins are preparing to flood the marketplace looking for new work.

Being an essential service, one positive is that other companies will need new hires to fill newly created positions to replace this company; hopefully many employees will not have to go too long without salaries. Unfortunately many seasoned workers will be starting at the bottom of the new companies (if hired), they will have lost all seniority and will have to wait for new benefits to take effect as well. For so many it is a mind-blowing mess.

The huge number of people affected by the demise of both companies will force (combined) hundreds of people to demonstrate to themselves, the people who depend on them, and the rest of us about resilience, determination and survival. I’m sure that there are some who would prefer to hide and pretend it’s all just a bad dream, and some who might even allow themselves to wallow; I am sure the majority will look to get their lives back on track as soon as possible.

Nothing in life is ever truly easy. I wish everyone new and better opportunities, success, and ease of mind.

When one door closes,

Another one opens.

Fear of Being Left Behind ~ #MondayBlogs

I woke up this morning with the strangest of dreams; without going into the complete detail, I wound up not being at a workplace for a couple of days (I believe for an illness?) and wound up being replaced my position done away with. While the dream had nothing based in reality, it still shook me up.

Like many of us there are times when I worry that I may have taken too much on and might be unable to complete everything I need to, worry that 24-hours a day isn’t enough time to do everything I choose to do, worry that maybe I can’t do the job that is expected of me, or just worry that maybe I am just easy to be replaced.

We would all like to feel that we can make an impact in this world and that we would be missed if we were suddenly gone. The reality is that for most of us, in terms of our skills and the impersonal jobs we do, most of us are replaceable. But it is family and friendships that truly make us unique, it’s how we cuddle our children and comfort them, it’s how we tell our partners that we love them, and it’s even how we pet our four legged fur-babies that truly makes us US.

Many people can and do go to schools to learn how to handle most tasks like keeping financial books, cook, build electronics, take blood pressures and more. So many of us add our own touches to jobs like teaching, designing, counseling, research, or writing. And there are some jobs such as first responders (EMS, FD, PD, etc) where split second decisions can make the difference between just doing our job and being heroes. And it should make us feel good when we do our jobs well.

Basically what I am trying to say is that too many of us get tangled up with trying to be the best and most needed at our jobs and prove our value by the amount of money we earn or the titles we wear; truthfully we need to concentrate on the kind of people we are, how we treat others and even how we treat ourselves. Our value lies not in some corner office or a paycheck, but in how we are seen in the eyes of the people who depend on us, our children, our spouses, our families.

If you lose a JOB or get passed over for a promotion life isn’t over; yes there may be challenges, but the important things in your life are the people around you. Pay attention to the people who are waiting for you at home, the family that you’ve grown up with, the friends you’ve had for years, the pets that get excited to see you walk in the door at day’s end. You won’t get left behind when you can share love and life and laughter.

Don’t let yourself get so tied up in knots over a job when there are more important things in life. Focus on what is important to your happiness not just today but in your tomorrows. Success is much more than a dollar figure, living a life well and making others happy is more important. Your job and paycheck may be necessary, and there is nothing wrong with ambition, but never let it become the only thing you live for. Don’t let the superficial things make you feel left behind, lost or worthless.

Don’t get so busy
making a living that
you forget to make a life.
 — Dolly Parton

Priorities ~ #MondayBlogs

One of the hardest things about being a grown-up is having to set priorities — we have to be reasonable about keeping our commitments, fulfilling our responsibilities and doing all the things we NEED to do instead of what we WANT to do.

We learn to trudge our way to work in the mornings and come home at night to make dinner, do laundry, help the kids with homework, and finally crawl into bed and wait for slumber just to do it all over again. We work, make money, pay bills, work some more… and while we are busy taking care of business, our children grow, our loved ones go about their business, and we get older and lose people from our lives. One day we look back and ask where did all the time go and wish we had spent a little more time on the things we now realize are the most important in our lives.

I understand that to a point we don’t have a choice, there are bills to pay to keep a roof over our heads, to feed our families, to pay doctors when need be. But should we lose ourselves in work to the point that instead of working to live, we live to work and forget about living.

I remember hearing a relative of mine, upon introducing his second wife to us, tell us that he was retiring because he wasn’t going to make the same mistake, this time he WAS going to take those vacations with the woman he loved, and he was going to spend time with her… and yes, he did regret that he cheated his first wife of time together because he was so absorbed in his job and making money and living up to other people’s standards. This man realized, now that he was remarried, that he had “sort of” a second chance to get it right and he wasn’t going to waste it.

Is it more important that our children look back and think how we replaced our living room furniture every few years or that they remember fun family vacations we all spent together? I believe the kids, especially when young, appreciate tearing the wrapping paper off a gift more than they worry what the price tag was. I watch parents who spend a fortune on holiday gifts, even when they know it is beyond their budget, because they don’t want their children to feel like they received anything less than their classmates. The old expression “keeping up with the Joneses” seems to be alive and well even today.

So yes we have to be responsible and there are things we are obligated to do, but don’t become so obsessed with earning money that your family value is less than your paycheck. Make sure you spend time with your loved ones while you can, take those vacations now when the children are young enough to still enjoy being with parents… even if all you do is make sure you take the time to give hugs and kisses to your children and your spouse and take the time to call your folks and see your siblings, treasure those moments. Birthday parties and phone calls are so much better as precious memories instead of regretful missed opportunities.

When I listen to my grown offspring talk about their childhoods, most of the stories are filled with family time adventures, jokes we shared, places we went together, and of course the “dumb” things Mommy and Daddy did — I honestly don’t recall hearing them talk about how much was spent on their Chanukah presents or whether we stayed in a more expensive hotel when traveling. Yes, there will always be TV advertisements for the latest and greatest and the kids hear the message loud and clear, but you know they survive without the “hottest toys of the year” even if they grumble for a while.

I’ve had a couple of decades to be a responsible and mature adult and now that I am “older” I’ve decided that I will still take SOME responsibility seriously, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have FUN as well.

The great Invention ~ #MondayBlogs

It doesn’t matter if you’re 23 or 65, there comes a time (usually multiple) that you need to re-invent yourself. Most people think re-invention is only about careers, but it could be about your health, your looks, your home life or relationships.

You’ve made it this far doing things the way you do so why change it now? Maybe you just work up realizing that you aren’t where you want to be, or maybe some drastic change around you has happened to throw your world into a tailspin. (If that’s happened my dear friend Author Charmaine Gordon says to “just put one foot in front of the other”, it’s good advice).

What do you want in life? What are your true passions, your dreams and your likes? Make a list of where and who you want to be. Even if you want something seemingly fanciful, aim for it. If it proves to be unrealistic at least you’ve tried and you’ve probably made significant moves in the right direction.

Work and careers: My mom always told me that if you enjoy your work, you’ll never (feel) work a day in your life. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to look forward to what you do all day long and still pay your bills? It isn’t uncommon to pursue a career based on favorite hobbies. Hone your skills, take night classes (often offered at a local high school for little or no cost) to learn new talents.

Health and body: Improve your diet by eating the right foods, losing/gaining weight (slowly and regularly), getting adequate sleep and taking time for yourself (personal grooming). If you are changing your diet make sure to see a dietician to make sure that your nutritional needs are being met. Add regular exercise into your daily schedule, it doesn’t have to be extensive calisthenics, even walking 15-to-30 minutes a day counts.

Home life/relationships: If the person or people you spend time with leave you feeling low, or you don’t look forward to your own four walls, maybe it’s time to move on. Surround yourself with folks who have similar interest and values, who intrigue you, and who make you feel important and special. Maybe it’s time for you to change location – look at your potential opportunities. You might feel comfortable staying in the community or you might want to move to an entirely different region. Consider your ties to an area (family and friends), your job opportunities  the weather and climate, safety and your budget.

It takes time so don’t get discouraged, but if you don’t see movement within a few years, re-evaluate the steps you’re taking to move towards your target. Re-invent yourself and be happy.