Mortality

Understandably as we grow older, mortality seems to be an ever-present tingle in our minds… and yes, sometimes the thought is VERY scary. We lose folks around us that mean a lot, and we discover new aches, pains, and things that just don’t work as well anymore. But instead of fearing the INEVITABLE (NO ONE ESCAPES!) and burying ourselves in what once was, I choose to look forward.

 

I choose to be thankful for the things and people I have had in my life, and the time I had with them. I choose to be thankful for what I have now. I choose to be thankful for now, who and what I am, my memories, and my ability to hope for a tomorrow. Yes, I still shed tears for people I miss, my parents, my sister, a couple of cousins, a few friends… and yes, even some beautiful pussycats. But I try not to let my tears consume me, and I know that those I love and loved wouldn’t want me to waste a single day or moment that I have left.

 

And yet I can’t help, every time my phone rings at an unlikely hour, and every time I don’t get a response from someone I’ve reached out to, just a little bit of a shudder and a slap of what could be reality… and thankfully MOST of these alarms are simply false as I breathe a sigh of relief. I just don’t ever want to waste a day, I don’t want to waste any time telling someone how much I love them, I don’t want to waste any time cuddling a pussycat. Yes, I want to spend time reliving some of our memories with my loved ones, and I also want to make lots of new ones.

 

And when the day comes when I am gone, and those I leave behind shed a few tears, I hope they will live and love the happiest lives they can… mostly for them (and selfishly, just a little tinge for me). I truly believe the best honor we can each do for our dear loved ones is to live each new day as fully as possible and to remember our shared memories long after we can no longer share.

 

Here is to EVERY tomorrow!

 

The Year of Firsts

I posted back in June, my only sister passed away fairly unexpectantly. She was five years older than me and in her early 70s, we had A LOT of time together, I am very blessed for that. It's still a huge change in my life though…

 

As we are nearing the end of 2021, and with all of the holidays surrounding us, her absence from my life is weighing heavily on my mind. This is what I call the "Year of Firsts" — it's the FIRST time that I am doing things differently, doing things without her presence. Although I will always be sad that she isn't here, the "next time" becomes a little bit more normal.

 

We lost our parents in 1977 and 1979 and we had each other for support during the years of firsts (and yes, Thank G-d, we also had our husbands who were total rocks for us). As our own young families grew, we spent many, many Thanksgivings together taking family pictures and torturing our kids along the way, lol. As our own children got older and had their own homes, we didn't have the dinners together, but my sis and I often spent A LOT of time on the phone "cooking together"… this year I didn't have that.

 

I began to think about the upcoming New Year's Eve and how every year we would be on the phone together within minutes of the ball drop in Times Square. That phone call will be missed this year. Her first birthday since she is gone and all the holidays since have been painful reminders that she isn't here, everything was a first. I know that even after the first anniversary of her passing there will still be so many poignant moments, but I will have gotten through it once already.

 

It's not that I am strong, but I do remember all the wonderful years I had with her and all of our memories. I am in the process of writing MY memories down because with my parents and now my sister gone, I'm the only one with ALL of those memories. (And as my daughter said to me, it's a GREAT opportunity for me to put MY spin on everything!) My memories and my blessings are what will get me through.

 

I had my sister in my life for 67 years, a lifetime of secrets, laughter, compassion, sharing, joys and just simple talks. I have my brother (in-law), her husband, who has known me since my teen years and has become more of a brother than an in-law. I have my sister's sons and their families in my life. My husband and our children and their mates got to know her. And I have many little tidbits of advice she gave me (she not only loved to tell me what to do, but she was also a psychologist) that will remain with me forever.

 

While I still shed tears, sometimes more often than I want to admit, I also realize how fortunate I've been to have had ALL the people in my life that have been here — and I am truly so fortunate to have had such a wonderful friendship with my sister.

 

I am halfway through the "Year of Firsts", I'm going to make it.

 

Bobi, I will always love you.

A Look Back #TBT ~ September 10 and September 11, 2001

Fourteen years ago today, September 10, 2001, my husband was doing an AV gig (Audio Visual) for a trade show at the Marriot WTC (3 World Trade Center). The show was scheduled to be a two-day event, but due to the presenter's prior commitment it was scheduled for the 10th and 12th of September.

My husband was home, by my side, when we heard about the planes crashing into the towers on Tuesday, September 11, 2001.

Our son, in high school, knew where his dad had worked the day before but didn't realize there was a one-day gap in the presentation. Due to the chaos at his school when the word of the attack spread, he pulled his cell-phone (which was taboo during school hours) from his backpack and ducked into an alcove to call home. There was panic in his voice when he asked "Where's Dad?"

A little while later our daughter, away at an upstate college, also called home to make sure everyone in our family was all right. She headed home and arrived the following day.

I had been horrified watching the television and seeing the tragedy unfolding in lower Manhattan, but it wasn't until I heard my son's panic that it really hit me. My family was blessed that day and spared the direct loss that so many others suffered.

We responded to our local ambulance corps later that day on the 11th to offer whatever help we could. Local residents were walking in, dazed and scared. Our county's EMS system was activated hoping for more survivors and preparing to transport and hospitalize those who could travel so as not to overwhelm the city's hospitals; unfortunately that need never materialized.

Our corps, like so many others, put together a crew to head down to the city. My husband and three other corps members were on that crew. Our youth corps members, my son included, helped to stock the ambulance for the task ahead. The crew consisted of Mark and three members all with the first name of Tom (I understand they later joked that they wanted to trade Mark for another "Tom" from one of the other ambulances!) Like several other ambulances that responded, they waited in the designated staging area in hopes of having patients to transport - most returned home empty.

All four of us, including our two offspring, assisted at the ambulance corps for the next several days. One of our corps members lost a relative in the towers. A local police officer's brother in the FDNY was one of the 343 firefighters who died. In total our county lost more than 80 residents on 9/11.

Through the years since 2001 there have been many deaths associated with Ground Zero dust. Once again I realize how blessed my family has been - the staging area was set up a safe distance from the site (as is EMS response protocol).  [ http://fw.to/K75pQPY FDNY adds names of those who died related to rescue and recovery work]

My heart still weeps for the losses suffered that day at the World Trade Center, the Pentagon, and Flight #93 in Pennsylvania. I am proud to have seen the rising and eventual opening of the Freedom Tower (1 World Trade Center) and the 911 Memorial Museum. Lives were forever changed and many of the families who suffered losses that day have worked towards remembrances including scholarships, memorials and support groups. And for a brief time, the city came together in a show of tremendous support and compassion.

9/11 is a day which will live in our hearts and souls forever.