Second Chances

We hear about people getting second chances all the time — marriages reconnect, employees are rehired, friendships rekindle… But sometimes that “second chance” is really a new beginning.

A woman gets burnt by a selfish and abusive husband and gets the gumption to leave him and build a new life. And so the newly divorced woman finds a new love, someone who treats her as an equal with all the respect and courtesy she deserves. Sounds like a romance novel, right?

Or how about the employee who made a mistake and is blamed for costing the company a fortune, he gets fired on the spot. After a few tears, and maybe even a few drinks (not too many I hope), he decides to pick himself up and get out there again. So he pounds the pavement for a while and finally lands himself an incredible job and in the ideal world he gets to stay there a long time moving up the ladder. Another Hollywood movie of inspiration?

How about the young teenager who struggles with homework and freezes with every class quiz. Then a special teacher offers her extra help and she manages to pass the class and graduate with the rest of her peers. Maybe this is only a fairy tale we tell our kids to make them work harder?

These are all second chances, a do-over to hopefully get it right this time. Sometimes the changes we face in life may seem insurmountable, sometimes we really aren’t interested in moving on, maybe we feel too defeated or things happen that leave us totally scarred and afraid. Sometimes we can’t get past that feeling of failure, or maybe we are just too scared to try again.

But everyone deserves a second chance. Everyone deserves to feel happiness. None of us are infallible, that’s actually part of the beauty of being human.

If you have suffered a disappointment and are finding it hard to try again, or maybe even just go on, then please know that YOU deserve GOOD, you deserve to forgive yourself or others. The world would be far worse off without you in it. Don’t be afraid to reach out to friends, counselors, your faith, or your own heart. We need you.

Don’t be afraid to grab that second chance — as many times as it takes.

Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

1-800-273-8255

What makes a marriage? ~ #MondayBlogs

How do some marriages last while others simply seem to flare and then die out?

After being married for more than 40 years I may not have the ultimate answer, but I do know what has worked for me. A married couple needs to be many things to each other and for each other.

In my own marriage we have been (and are) lovers, friends, co-parents (2 and 4 legged children), business partners, confidants, “counselors”, co-conspirators, roommates, caretakers, tender hand-holders, escorts, and often devil’s advocate.

No matter how passionate, loving, and fun your union may start out, life happens, and when life’s changes and obstacles get in the way, your focus and needs can change as well. I believe the balance to a solid marriage has to do with being able to step in and out of the myriad of roles you’ve assumed so that even when you are too tired for sex, don’t want to find adventure, or need to adjust to the changing world around you there will still be something solid for you to hold on to.

Not every couple works together as business partners, but marriage still needs to be a partnership sharing the responsibilities, the decisions and the fruits together. No one said everything has to be an even 50/50; sometimes you don’t feel up to giving 50-percent and other times you believe you can take on the world. Your spouse needs to support you mentally and sometimes physically and financially. Trust me when I say it is fun to make dinner together, to go shopping together and share housework (in and out of the house). Joint ventures, whether it is running business or running your home, gives you a combined sense of accomplishment and camaraderie.

There are going to be disagreements and even anger, face it, you didn’t marry yourself (and you probably wouldn’t want to) so there will be differences of opinion. Sometimes you’ll get angry when it may seem as if the differences can’t get resolved. Chances are the anger and possible disappointment may affect your passion, your sex-life, or your comfortable companionship — these are the times to let another aspect of your relationship take over. Talk about decisions you may have coming up, the car you have to replace or even the candidate you plan to vote for; work towards a mutual goal like painting that room you’ve been talking about getting done; and this may be the ideal time to plan some family time with the children and a local amusement park.

The main thing to have in any marriage is unity, togetherness and mutual respect. No marriage is perfect and you’re going to go through rough spots. Learn to rely one of the other roles in your marriage to get you through so that you’re not feeling alone. You are a couple so act together, and be together.

The truth is that it is a very rare occurrence when one person can provide all the needs for another; this is what platonic friends are for, to help fill out the gaps. You should never let yourself rely more strongly on your friends than you do on your partner though. Too many young couples nowadays get married assuring themselves that if things go wrong they can always get a divorce. Some marriages may not be meant to last and separation or divorce may be the smartest option, but there should be no reason to plan on it from the get-go! Be a Jack-of-all-trades when it comes to marriage, be prepared to assume different roles for each other and you will find that your marriage will never have reason to fizzle out.

#MondayBlogs - Think first of others

When someone is upset by an event in their life such as the cancellation of a dream vacation, the loss of a pet, the break-up of a romance which you might not have approved of, or any stress caused by something they feel is important, it is NOT your job to tell them they don’t have a right to be upset. I’ve heard folks tell others that they are not the first person to…, so get over it; or say things like I didn’t like him anyway; it was only a pet; or even comparing their plight to another’s and making it trivial.

Anytime someone faces an abrupt change, or feels like things are beyond their control, or faces a disruption to their routine, it can cause stress and feelings of crisis. People react to stress in individual ways, they have different priorities, strengths and weaknesses. No one has the right to minimize another person’s concerns, fears, love, loss or sadness. Supporting someone who is in crisis mode means respecting their feelings and not putting your own feelings first. You may not care for dogs but telling someone who just lost their beloved pet that “it was only a dog” is cruel and thoughtless.

Practice kindness by showing compassion for someone who is suffering. Compassion begins with understanding their feelings, empathizing with them, and the desire to help them survive the stress. Minimizing and ignoring their feelings may be easier for you, but does nothing to help them. Respect their feelings, don’t criticize them. Be there to lend a shoulder or an ear, hold them (literally or figuratively) and let them know you care. Their feelings are important to them, respect that. This also holds true for celebrating accomplishments – it’s a big thing and important, so applaud them loudly and congratulate them without limits. 

“Compassion brings us to a stop, and for a moment we rise above ourselves.” ~Mason Cooley

I’ve been fortunate with the people surrounding me – one of my pussycats was recently very ill (thank goodness he seems to be recovering nicely) and friends and family offered encouragement and showed genuine concern. It really was appreciated.