Family Ties

 

For most of us, the lucky ones at least, growing up in a family setting (whether it was just parent[s] and you or a large extended family) was like you had whole world surrounding you with love and care. As we grew older sometimes we made “best friends” outside of our homes, but coming home always meant coming to a place where you always felt you belonged.

 

As we grew up and experienced teenage angst and the trials of young adulthood, tempers and words now and then caused arguments and tears — generally our parents forgave us the cross words we used in pain, our siblings might not have been so forgiving quite as quickly, but they still seemed to have our backs when it counted. Somehow as adults… and maybe parents of adults, we may lose that capacity to forgive the cross words so easily. And some even seem to forget the importance of family. That is sad.

 

Someone says a cross word in anger or pain, or maybe it was just a poorly worded comment with no malice intended, but suddenly it causes a family divide. And you just let it go, let it fester, while you wait for an apology that might not even be understood. Time passes, time that you can never get back and some even run out of time to make things right. When you realize there is no more time, no chance to hug that person again, no time to say “I love you”, that’s when you cry over your memories and especially the memories you were cheated out of.

 

Nowadays so many are taking mail-in DNA tests to find family that they may have never known existed, but somewhere along the line there was a break, a divide, people just drifted apart. While it is a great thing to find those long-lost family members, you can’t help but wonder what it would have been like to share the years before you found each other. Yet, even for those who crave those DNA matches, not all of them hang on to what they already know they have just because someone got annoyed.

 

Hang on to your loved ones because no one has forever. You can’t redo lost years; you can’t share memories that you were never together to share. And down the road when you realize how much you’ve lost, you might begin to question if waiting for that demanded apology was really worth it. There is a saying, “if you want a lot of space in your life, just be angry at the people around you,” and it could get very lonely. Even if you raised that child, realize that not everyone is going to think the same way you do. And even if your older parent seems to be annoying because they are so “stuck in their ways”, they are not always going to be there. Remember that siblings are often the first playmates you ever had and you’ve shared your lives and memories together.

 

 Logistically many families don’t remain together in the same locale and you may have to work a little to keep including each in your life. Between marriages and extended families, and when children or grandchildren come along, it’s hard to keep giving the same time to everyone, but make sure to remember to reach out. The effort is well worth it. Remember to tell your family members that you love them, pause and think before you let anger respond, share your thoughts, listen to theirs, and let them know how precious they are in your life.

 

Holiday Greetings ~ Stop the Spread

 

Last week I spoke about seeing my family via ZOOM for Thanksgiving.  It was a wonderful success; not everyone was able to make it, but we did have a nice crowd. We were later able to touch base with the few family members whose work and other obligations kept them away.

As wonderful as it was to see faces and get to speak in real time, it also was very poignant. This is life now, MAYBE one day things will go back to “normal", but really what will our new normal be?

Will we ever feel safe hugging each other again? Will we see that friend that we haven’t seen in …forever and will we be able to hug and exchange kisses on the cheek? Will we be able to stand close, sharing secrets, and actually see a smile?

Whatever our new normal will be, it will never be the same because the last eight months happened. Sad, but true.  I'm sure we will find a way to deal with it all, but when we think about the way things used to be, we'll miss it.

Now that the Thanksgiving holiday is behind us and we are coming up on Hanukkah, Christmas and New Year's; once again our collective celebrations will be long distance. Yes, I am feeling a little sad, maybe a lot sad, but celebrating together puts our loved ones (and us, the seniors) at risk – and goes against the restrictions set by our respective lawmakers.

I'm not a happy camper…but, thank goodness for all of the instant messaging and virtual media available to us in 2020 (and soon 2021). As much as I miss the real feeling of my children's hugs, I would rather have more months of these virtual visits and the knowledge that one day we will all still be here to enjoy our moments TOGETHER.

However, as I sit here I am reading about the COVID rates rising all around us and these increases suspiciously coincide with both the Halloween and Thanksgiving festivities where some folks did have groups together without masks or social distancing. It’s sad to think that our precious moments with family and friends could have devastating consequences and illness.

But it is true, just today I heard of someone just finding out about a potential exposure he had on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving; G-d forbid, but if he is now positive, then anyone he spent Thanksgiving with is now exposed.

With Hanukkah, Christmas, and New Year’s Eve just around the corner, we need to remain vigilant and social distance even from those we love and care about — if for no other reason than we love and care about them. The sooner we can stop the spread, the sooner we CAN get together when we want to and not worry about our loved ones getting sick.

Let’s make 2021 a healthier and happier year than we’ve just had. We can do it.

 

 

What makes a marriage? ~ #MondayBlogs

How do some marriages last while others simply seem to flare and then die out?

After being married for more than 40 years I may not have the ultimate answer, but I do know what has worked for me. A married couple needs to be many things to each other and for each other.

In my own marriage we have been (and are) lovers, friends, co-parents (2 and 4 legged children), business partners, confidants, “counselors”, co-conspirators, roommates, caretakers, tender hand-holders, escorts, and often devil’s advocate.

No matter how passionate, loving, and fun your union may start out, life happens, and when life’s changes and obstacles get in the way, your focus and needs can change as well. I believe the balance to a solid marriage has to do with being able to step in and out of the myriad of roles you’ve assumed so that even when you are too tired for sex, don’t want to find adventure, or need to adjust to the changing world around you there will still be something solid for you to hold on to.

Not every couple works together as business partners, but marriage still needs to be a partnership sharing the responsibilities, the decisions and the fruits together. No one said everything has to be an even 50/50; sometimes you don’t feel up to giving 50-percent and other times you believe you can take on the world. Your spouse needs to support you mentally and sometimes physically and financially. Trust me when I say it is fun to make dinner together, to go shopping together and share housework (in and out of the house). Joint ventures, whether it is running business or running your home, gives you a combined sense of accomplishment and camaraderie.

There are going to be disagreements and even anger, face it, you didn’t marry yourself (and you probably wouldn’t want to) so there will be differences of opinion. Sometimes you’ll get angry when it may seem as if the differences can’t get resolved. Chances are the anger and possible disappointment may affect your passion, your sex-life, or your comfortable companionship — these are the times to let another aspect of your relationship take over. Talk about decisions you may have coming up, the car you have to replace or even the candidate you plan to vote for; work towards a mutual goal like painting that room you’ve been talking about getting done; and this may be the ideal time to plan some family time with the children and a local amusement park.

The main thing to have in any marriage is unity, togetherness and mutual respect. No marriage is perfect and you’re going to go through rough spots. Learn to rely one of the other roles in your marriage to get you through so that you’re not feeling alone. You are a couple so act together, and be together.

The truth is that it is a very rare occurrence when one person can provide all the needs for another; this is what platonic friends are for, to help fill out the gaps. You should never let yourself rely more strongly on your friends than you do on your partner though. Too many young couples nowadays get married assuring themselves that if things go wrong they can always get a divorce. Some marriages may not be meant to last and separation or divorce may be the smartest option, but there should be no reason to plan on it from the get-go! Be a Jack-of-all-trades when it comes to marriage, be prepared to assume different roles for each other and you will find that your marriage will never have reason to fizzle out.

Separate but equal? ~ #MondayBlogs

What about family?  Family time - family togetherness - simply FAMILY.

Cable companies hawk subscriber packages that permit you to watch different channels (or even the same) on different TVs throughout your home. One fairly recent commercial mocks peace talks and by the end of the ad shows two adolescents watching television programs in two different but neighboring rooms; mom is ecstatic that there are no more quarrels between brother and sister over which program to watch.

Come on people! If the individual TV shows are so very important, the great technology being offered by these same cable stations includes the ability to record a show and watch it later - so take turns who gets to watch now and who gets to watch later. 

By Evert F. Baumgardner [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

The marvel of cell phones is supposedly the ability to stay connected without having to sit by your home phone — an excellent idea! Excellent except when you can't even hold a conversation with someone in the same room because you are too busy exchanging text messages with someone you have never even met in person ?*%! Put DOWN your cell phones and stay connected in real time. I understand the reluctance to turn your phone off, I don't either, but I only answer it in an urgent situation if it means I am otherwise engaged in conversation with real LIVE people.

Finally while I am on this rant, families should be more concerned with spending FAMILY TIME with each other while the children are growing (and hopefully beyond) than keeping busy with the zillion-and-one separate activities and programs parents are so busy chauffeuring their children to. It may be wonderful for a child to play sports but if their parents don't even have the time to sit in the stands to cheer them on the emotional benefits may very well be lacking. 

Find activities you can do together (even if it just means providing a cheering section once in a while), things you can share, things you can talk during... Take walks together. Play board games together. Visit museums together. Dine together. Read to each other. Even watch TV together. There is so much you can do TOGETHER and many activities don't require depleting your wallet.

By George Burns, 1896-1996, Photographer (NARA record: 1340567)
(U.S. National Archives and Records Administration)
[Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Enjoy your family; children grow up, people move away... life changes. Hold on to what you have, the memories you create will be yours for a lifetime.

Friendship, when the ship sets sail ~ #MondayBlogs

While I do have some friends from childhood, and at my age that is a long time, there are some who have long since disappeared from view.

In a way it’s sad because of the memories of fun times, but in some ways it’s healthy because it can mean growth and maturity. I am not the same person I was way back in junior high school when best friend Sondra and I were inseparable. That doesn’t mean I don’t still feel a fondness for my friend and wonder from time to time how she is doing. Our lives obviously took us in different directions and, as I am sure she has, I’ve made other friends and experienced different adventures.

Once in a while you are lucky to connect with someone who does become a seemingly permanent fixture in your life; these are the people that you’ve grown with, shared common interests and yet have managed to retain your own identity. Whether gone from your present or still around, every friendship you’ve shared brings riches to your life that helps to make you who you are.

Of course there are the rarities, the friends who are so much a part of your life that you couldn’t possibly think of your life without them – I am lucky to have a few of those too. I married one and another I was blessed to share parents with… and of course there are two I gave birth to, lol. And yes I have a few “BFFs” that I’m not related to as well.

This is a salute to friends both here and gone and a thank you for being in my life. I’ve enjoyed our adventures, appreciated the support, cared about you and learned from you. All my friends will always have a place in my heart.