TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF

When you enter a relationship, or even just are born into a family, you have a responsibility to care for yourself as well as the people you care about. Yep, that is one of the more important things in any relationship… don’t scare the you-know-what out of those people who love you if you can do ANYTHING to avoid it.

 

Illness happens, and so do accidents, but when you ignore common sense or act recklessly you are literally betraying the trust that the person(s) who love you have. We are not possessions but when hearts are involved there is a very fragile surface that easily bruises. If you have ever worried about a loved one recovering from severe illness or sat in a hospital waiting room until a surgery is (successfully) completed, I am sure you understand what I mean.

 

While there are never any real guarantees, things like proper nutrition, avoidance of illicit drugs and excessive alcohol, not smoking, getting sufficient rest, and not taking unnecessary risks while driving or other activities, will help to minimize the chances of your loved one(s) pain and tears because of you. As I already said, sometimes illness does happen — well then follow doctor’s orders and keep things under control, or even better, get cured. And while there are other drivers on the road and sometimes no matter how careful you are there’s a bump or worse, so wear your seatbelt, make sure your car is road-ready, and stay attentive. Always cut the risk down.

 

Worrying about someone can also play havoc with your own health, but it is hard NOT to worry when someone you love is hurt or ill. Learn ways to relax and not to “worry yourself sick” — yeah, that is a real thing. Learn to focus on the things in front of you, things that you can manage and not let your imagination go places it should not. Being so stressed over things you can’t control will only be made worse by not taking proper care of yourself like forgetting to eat properly, not getting enough sleep, or using crutches like alcohol or drugs. Practice slow deep breathing to help relax your body and your muscles; if necessary, literally “go to a happy place” in your mind, imagine being on that beach or mountain top where you once felt so at peace.

 

Taking care of yourself when you are worried about someone else is also a responsibility, prevent yourself from getting sick. When your heart feels like it is beating too fast for your own body, your palms feel sweaty, or you begin crying without warning, then perhaps you are suffering from anxiety. In addition to meditation and deep breathing, you can try taking a walk or working out in the gym. Aromatherapy scents such as lavender, chamomile, and sandalwood have been thought to help the mind’s receptors and help to ease some of that anxiety. Writing your thoughts down can also help, looking at the thoughts that are making you anxious might help you realize what is real and what is only imagined, or exaggerated, and may even help you make a plan that will help you feel calmer.

 

If your anxiety seems out of control and if you really feel paralyzed, unable to function anywhere near normal, or even start contemplating dying, speaking to a licensed therapist would probably help. Don’t allow yourself to drown in panic, guilt, or fear. A professional can help you identify triggers, help you to learn calming methods, or perhaps prescribing anti-anxiety meds, could help. If you need help, get help and take care of yourself.

 

Fear

 

Fear can be a great motivator… or it can be a stumbling block. Fear also is the way your body may be telling you something is not right.

Past experiences may have made you wary. If you ate a specific food and wound up extremely ill from it, maybe what some call “fear” is really your own self-defense and something that you should be listening to. On the other hand, your fear may have no rational explanation that you can think of, maybe it’s just something new to you.

There are those who will insist that you face your fear head on. Being challenged by others is not the reason to forge ahead, use your own sense of reasoning. What does this action mean for me? How will I benefit if I do it? And most of all, WHY am I so frightened? And it might be interesting to note, are the folks pushing you to do “something” willing to do it themselves? If not, why not?

There are indeed many adventurers that may be open to you, and you may find you enjoy the experience. Someone I know has a great fear of heights and yet found he enjoys the freedom of skydiving (Yikes!). Perhaps that long-desired trip requires a plane ride and that may scare you, yet the percentage of successful and safe flights may calm your nerves.

I’ve recently been reading a lot of comments on social media about folks who are scared of taking the Covid-19 vaccine, but when asked why they shrug or latch on to a conspiracy theory. There are some who, for valid medical reasons, should not take that vaccine; but that is something for your doctor to evaluate.

I am hoping to take the vaccine when my state opens it up for my age group, however I have an allergy to shellfish, and they have warned people that shellfish allergies may cause a problem. So yes, I am worried, but it is not fear. I plan to discuss this with my doctor, someone with medical knowledge to guide me. No, I don’t feel it is necessary for someone to make my decisions, I do however want the opinion of a scientific mind.

Fears can sometimes be valid concerns, but you really have an obligation to yourself to discover why you have that apprehension. They say, “avoiding our fears only prevents us from moving forward”, but my feeling is that jumping in without knowing why your mind is telling you to be careful is foolhardy.

And if you can find no real excuse, then just enjoy life!

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High Anxiety

Having extreme fears, or phobias, can be life-stopping. Some phobias may seem foolish to others, but they are not foolish or funny to the person who is suffering.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is a fear of long words, wow, that’s a really long word to describe that fear — it’s almost scary to even try to pronounce it; by the way it’s “hippo-poto-monstro-sis-cupid-ali-o-phobia”. Why would someone have such a fear? Understanding the possible reason(s) might make others feel a bit more indulgent and could help ease someone’s phobia. No matter how ironic the description is, the fear is real to the person who is suffering.

Phobias can affect a person physically, mentally and emotionally. Symptoms like rapid heartbeats, nausea, sweating, anxiety, feeling terrified, crying, avoidance and embarrassment can suddenly take hold of an individual who is scared and triggered by his fear. No one is born with a phobia, it can be caused by an unpleasant incident, pain or loss. The child who sees their house on fire may easily develop a fear of fire (Pyrophobia). If a person has been injured in a crowd, they might develop Enochlophobia, and avoid possible crowded situations; this may be similar to Agoraphobia which is a fear of being trapped in a dangerous and uncontrollable situation. Agnosiophobia is a fear of not knowing what’s going to happen and can be paralyzing as the victim subconsciously wants to avoid an previous unpleasant occurrence.

The human mind reacts to everything its owner has lived through. The anxiety that fear causes is not something that will respond to logic, lecturing, and definitely not scolding. A phobia is a disorder that affects a person’s ability to cope with certain situations, it is more than just a fear like screaming on a roller coaster. Anxiety caused by a phobia can often feel like impending doom and it is not easily controlled or can be forced to be ignored. People with phobias often know that their fear is irrational, but it is real to them.

If you are with a person experiencing a panic attack from a phobia, let them know they can talk with you about it and don’t be angry if they choose not to. Don’t try to badger them with “common sense” or tell them they have no reason to be so scared, don’t try to bully them into being “normal”. Don’t bring up their phobia just because you want to talk about it, that can actually trigger their anxiety; however it is okay to let them know you are there (in person or by phone) to talk anytime they need to. If that person suddenly gets irritable during a panic attack, be quick to forgive them. Find things to do as friends with the individual who suffers, but don’t try to push them into a triggering event.

Phobias and anxiety can take time to cure or even get control of, don’t expect that they will suddenly get over it. Often the best option for someone paralyzed by their fears is to talk with a professional therapist — be supportive of their efforts. Be aware that someone’s anxiety could have a negative effect on you and if it does a therapist or support group may be able to help you cope with your friend or loved one’s emotions. Anxiety is treatable and someone you care about is certainly worth the time. Be a friend.

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Land of the Free and Brave???

In many ways I grew up a bit sheltered — not sheltered from some of the ugliness in the world, but sheltered in that my folks told me that mankind was ultimately good and that things in this country were improving.

While I would never think that the prejudices I did experience in my formative and young adult years were as much as other minorities, I was always aware of the different ways we were treated because our dad was Puerto Rican (raised in PR and NYC) and our mom was a southern white girl who was transplanted to New York. By the way, we were also a Jewish family.

We frequently traveled to the south to visit mommy’s family and we’d laugh because my dad always had her drive through some of the southern states (now I realize it wasn’t so funny, he was genuinely scared of being stopped by a southern state trooper with his dark skin). I remember walking into a diner when I was young and noticing that none of the black families were seated in the same areas as the white families; I also know how heavy my mom laid on her thick southern drawl when the wait staff looked at my dad with questions. My parents agreed that things were improving, everyone was at least allowed to come in and have a meal. I was happy to hear my parents talk so positively. Then, I was just ten years old when a church in Mississippi was bombed and four young black girls were killed, one of them was only a year older than me.

When I was in Junior High School I met my first real boyfriend, Steve, he was blonde haired and blue eyed and oh so cute. We walked to a local bowling alley for our first date and on our way home again we saw his mom on the street. She frowned when she saw me and when my boyfriend proudly introduced me by name, she looked angry when she heard my last name, Cordero. That evening I got a phone call from him, he sounded upset when he told me that he couldn’t see me anymore. I didn’t know why and he wouldn’t tell me. A fellow classmate explained it to me a few days later, Steve wasn’t allowed to go out with a Hispanic (although that was not the term that was used).

As I grew into my teen years my parents were more open about prejudice, its ugliness and the injustices people suffered. And I had become more aware of the tensions in my school when students from other schools were bussed in all in the name of integration. There were a lot of people who weren’t happy and a lot of the new students kept to themselves. Meanwhile I was beginning to feel the way others viewed my ethnicity and who I was. As a (half) Hispanic, “white” Jewish teenage girl I found myself being ostracized my many of the other groups — I wasn’t Spanish enough, I was too white, I was too non-white, I was Jewish and the local parochial schools where teaching that the Jews killed Christ, and being a girl I was excluded from many sports activities at school.

In 1968 when so many cities were rioting, I visited my grandmother living in Miami, I enjoyed sun tanning on the beach. On the way back to NY we visited family in South Carolina. My cousin and I were walking down the street when suddenly there was a huge fuss. I couldn’t understand why I was being called ugly names, we hadn’t done anything. Cops were called and my cousin and I were forcefully separated. A black police officer pushed me into the street while I heard my cousin yelling (in her thick southern accent) “But she’s white!” Suddenly my cousin broke through and pulled on my T-shirt to expose the tan lines from the bathing suit straps.

The black police officer literally fell to his knees and apologized telling me over and over again he needed his job. (The Kennedy-era Civil Rights movement enabled the hiring of black officers, but this small southern town restricted them from laying hands on any white person.) I shrugged and told the cop I was okay and he actually thanked me. I was in shock, because of my darker skin, partially due to the sun tan, and my naturally curly, kinky hair I was mistaken as being black. I had an insight into the prejudice many blacks suffered… and that was only for a few minutes of my life. I thank the good Lord every day for giving me that experience.

I grew up and got married to a really super guy, his family came from northern Europe and a few folks snidely remarked that he was marrying a non-white. It didn’t bother him and I really never thought of myself as being “white” or not. Recently I’ve been delving into my family genealogy and found several documents including both my dad’s and my father-in-law’s WW2 military records; my fil is listed as White and my dad is listed as Non-White. I also submitted a DNA test; I am a mixture of northern European, Ashkenazi Jew, Spanish, African and Native American. I am damn proud of everything I am. I would imagine that most of us have quite an unexpected mix as well. In America there are too many people who don’t want to accept differences and I would find it amusing to know the DNA background of some of our bigots.

But I will never find it amusing that someone of color is looked down simply for their skin color. And I find it tremendously sad that black parents have to teach their children the seven words (yes sir, no sir, thank you sir) and pray that they will be able to come home every night. Prejudice has no place in “the land of the free”.

RIP George Floyd

#DailyPrompt ~ Cringe ~#MondayBlogs

I found a terrific writing site (thanks to my friend Sugana) — The Daily Post: Daily Prompts provides a NEW daily prompt every day to give every writer a way to put a spark in her/his creativity. I decided to join this group every so often...

Today's Prompt is CRINGE

 The definition of CRINGE: [verb] cringe/krinj, to bend one's head and body in fear or in a servile manner; such as "he cringed away from the blow"   synonyms: cower, shrink, recoil, shy away, flinch, blench, draw back

As a child I cringed when the doctor pulled out a needle and gave me a shot in the arm. I also cringed when a teacher pulled a surprise quiz on the class. Childhood fears (for most of us) certainly seem like minor inconveniences after we grow into adulthood. Not that getting punished by your parents, or being lost in a huge department store, or facing off a childhood bully weren’t scare-worthy events…

The day my husband and I closed on our house I remember walking into the entryway using MY key and completely cringing as I stared at the stairs leading up thinking “oh my G-d, what did we do? How are we ever going to pay this off? It’s just too much responsibility!” That same house would become a haven to us, raised a family, always had pussycats pretending to be the 4 A.M. express running through the house, and was filled with constant laughter and lots of love. And yes, we were able to pay it off.

When each of our children learned to drive I cringed each time they went out and breathed an enormous sigh of relief when they arrived back home in one piece. There were many other moments through my life that I cringed in anticipation of hearing the phone ring late at night, or opened a hospital bill that I swore just couldn’t be right, or went to bed worried about something or other and woke from a frightening nightmare. Plenty of opportunities to cringe, shake with nervousness, and lose sleep and in the end plenty of time to simply sigh with relief and laugh at myself for all of the worrying.

The thing I have learned through the years is not to allow yourself to be paralyzed with fear wondering and worrying about things that MIGHT happen. While there are indeed upsetting and sometimes even earth-shattering things that can happen in all of our lives, wasting time worrying is just that, a waste of time. Nobody knows what will happen tomorrow, but if you don’t take advantage of living fully today because you are too busy cringing then that is 24-hours you will never ever get back.

Allowing fear to make you lose precious time with your loved ones, enjoy a good book, let the sun warm your skin, or simply appreciate the scenery is definitely a loss that is cringe-worthy.

I Understand ~ #MondayBlogs

It becomes a “thing” that simply rolls off of your tongue: I’m sorry for your loss; I’m sorry you don’t feel well; I’m sorry that you got hurt; I’m sorry… And even when you try to express genuine concern, often the words sound empty. Your words are usually appreciated, you’re being polite, but are your voiced sentiments really helping anyone? Too many people make polite conversation that they are never really engaged in.

There is a big difference about being polite and reaching out to offer comfort. Empathy is when you try to imagine what the person is feeling. It doesn’t matter if you never experienced what they are going through, we have all had times when we’ve been sad, scared, or under the weather. Even if you have experienced a similar situation your reactions are not going to be the same, but you should still understand and relate to the emotion your friend is feeling.

Don’t belittle or minimize someone’s emotions. Depending on the situation you may be tempted to take their feelings away, to discount them unintentionally. You tell someone who just lost a parent who lived to a ripe old age that he was old, he lived a long time, and wow you know people who never were so lucky to have their parents around for so long. Or you let your girlfriend know how much better she is without the bum that just walked out on her. Or you tell the woman who just miscarried that she should be relieved because it was nature’s way of fixing a mistake. (I’ve heard people saying these things to others). These kind of phrases demean the feelings and even though you may not try to hurt someone intentionally it does hurt.

It’s okay to say I understand you’re sad, you’re hurt, or I understand that this seems scary. It’s even okay to say “I’ve been there” so long as you don’t make it all about yourself. Letting someone know that they are not alone in what they are going through can be kind, but not if you ignore their needs.

Compassion is more than just putting yourself in their shoes and empathizing with their pain. Compassion is saying you’re sorry for whatever they are going through, letting them know you understand, and then being there for them to talk, to lend a shoulder, and to help them through the tough days wherever you can. When you can put it all together… words to understanding to being supportive, that is when you are being a true friend.

When you are able to show compassion you are putting someone else’s needs before your own and you can take pride in being able to help someone in pain.

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You May Not Know… ~ #MondayBlogs

The summer that our daughter turned 17 she made plans to join a youth group trip to Poland and Israel. An acquaintance confronted me with genuine concern and asked “How can you let her travel to such a dangerous place?”

Although we definitely worried about our daughter’s trip it wasn’t because of the location, it was the idea that she would be so far away without us by her side to “protect” her. We knew how important this trip was to her and how much she wanted the experience. We also knew teens who had taken similar journeys in previous summers and even more parents who had let their children go, and we were filled with stories of wonder, happiness and thankfulness for the experience.

However I did repeat the concern to the trip organizers during a parent-prep meeting. The response certainly opened my eyes. The young man I spoke to visited Israel and other parts of Europe several times a year, sometimes as part of his job and other times simply to spend time with friends he made through the years.

“When I am overseas and strangers learn I am from the New York City area they always ask me what it is like to live in such a dangerous place. Because of the way the media presents things they believe we all carry guns, fight off attacks every day, step over bodies in the street regularly, and have to live in secure fortresses for any kind of safety.”

His response certainly made me pause. He then asked if I was in contact with people in Israel and suggested I ask them what they thought about a group of North American teens visiting Israel (and yes he offered me contact info for some of his friends. He thought if I needed reassurance I should speak to people who actually lived there instead of some media copy that only painted a picture that would sell.

Unfortunately the world we live in has far too many incidents of violence and tragedies, but most people, thank goodness, live and work in cities and towns all over. No one is immune to the POSSIBILITY of being in the wrong place at the wrong time (even at home), but does that mean we should freeze in our tracks afraid to experience life? Practicing caution and being vigilant is wise but closing ourselves off to new adventures and possibilities is, well, not living.

She went to Poland and Israel and there were a few incidents of “concern” (more for her nervous parents than her) but she came home thrilled for having gone and changed by the lessons she learned by seeing the different cultures. She’s been back to Israel since and loves to travel… wherever. Her latest goal is to visit every continent at least once. And even now years later, even when she is accompanied by people who love and care for her, I worry each time she takes flight.

Our son is another test of a parent’s nerves, his adventures involve some travel but are more geared to physical challenges (mountains, skydiving, oy vey!). It is so true that no matter how old our offspring are, they will always be our babies — we look at the very capable adult and still see the infant cradled in our arms.

Sometimes you have to just pray A LOT and hope for the best, but always let life happen.

Fear ~ #MondayBlogs

We hear tales of terror from across the globe and worry about our own vulnerability. Could these heinous acts happen where we are during our normal daily routine?

According to the book Psychology of Terrorism edited by Bruce Bongar, the main goals of terrorist acts are to promote insecurity and disrupt everyday life. We watch repeated news reports with graphic footage of bombed out buildings, rows of body bags, tearful interviews of people looking for loved ones, and read names of the dead and injured as if each victim is personally known to us.

We can’t help but empathize. Oh my God, that could have been us; that could have been my daughter; is that my son’s school; my husband isn’t answering his cell phone; we were JUST there. While we certainly sympathize with the victims and their families, we can’t help but realize our own helplessness.

The violence seems random, we never know when or where it will happen. Is there any safe place to hide? How much do we want to stop living our own lives on the “what if” scenario? Is it wise just to ignore the possibility no matter how slight we think it might be?

As Bongor stated in his book, it is the intention of terrorists to disrupt our lives. Do we really want to give the terrorists the victory? I don’t. So what are our options?

Stay vigilant: the catch-phrase of modern times is If you see something, say something — that’s common sense. Unattended bags, unexplained packages, heavy coats on a warm/hot day, actually seeing a weapon being carried into a crowded place, mystery powders... Any of these may or may not be cause for concern, but if it looks suspicious, let the proper authorities know. Don’t investigate the briefcase that appears to have no owner. Don’t enter a room where the multiple occupants appear to be unconscious or worse.

Always notice your exit routes. Don’t leave your purse open and unobserved. Never accept packages from strangers who ask you to just carry it inside. And if, God forbid, the unthinkable does happen, stay calm and orderly, hold your children’s hands so they don’t get lost in a crowd, exit if possible with or without your personal belongings. Don’t tie up phone lines, if they still work they will be needed for emergencies — if you are letting relatives know you are alright, call one and ask them to relay the message.

Before any disaster, whether man-made or natural, you can help prepare yourself, your family and your home for recovery. First and foremost, take a first aid and CPR class; in a major disaster medical personnel will be swamped with patients and resources will be slim so if you or a loved one has a relatively minor injury it could be a while until someone is able to treat you so if you know what to do, it will definitely help. Make sure that your children (and pets) carry identification in case you are separated. Maintain a running inventory of valuables you have at home and store a digital copy of all vital documents off-site. Plan a meeting point for family members if you have to leave an area quickly and may not be together; older children and adults may also arrange to check in by phone with a long-distance relative.

The main thing is to LIVE. Be aware, not afraid. Use common sense, remain alert, help your neighbors, and know that you are not alone. 

Don’ t do the work ~ #MondayBlogs

Terrorists and bullies use fear, intimidation, random violence and chaos to control and push self-serving agendas. Unfortunately when these acts SEEM to  involve specific ethic groups, this fear promotes bigotry.

 

In recent times we’ve had terror attacks under the names of Al Qaida and ISIS promoting Islamic radicalism and Jihad. After attacks such as this weekend’s Paris horror there have been fears of retribution and escalated violence. The violence and hatred multiplies, resentments grow, tolerance diminishes, trust disappears, and suspicion rules. Too often an entire ethnic group, race, color or religion Is labeled by the actions of a mere minority.

 

When people live with all of these negative influences, you begin to look at your neighbors, people that might even have been friends, differently. Communities are divided – people are divided. People react with the most extreme forms of racial profiling sometimes to the point of unwarranted violence and always with derision, verbal abuse, unfairness and animosity,

 

People who tell their children not to trust Americans, Israelis, Frenchmen, the British, Christians, Jews, or any group capitalize on the negativity displayed from these targets. Children are not born knowing hatred, but they can learn it. Throw in some resentment and it doesn’t take much convincing when hate spewed message is repeatedly broadcast. When we react with undue suspicion, nastiness and anger we reinforce the lessons of hatred.

 

Unfortunately we live in  world where vigilance is a necessity, there are times when we need to be suspicious and maybe even react to defend ourselves. We need to find a reasonable balance of common sense and caution. The day we let fear rule our lives, the day we reinforce the hatred, we are helping the terrorists achieve their goals.

 

Let there be peace on earth… for once and always.

#MondayBlogs - Think first of others

When someone is upset by an event in their life such as the cancellation of a dream vacation, the loss of a pet, the break-up of a romance which you might not have approved of, or any stress caused by something they feel is important, it is NOT your job to tell them they don’t have a right to be upset. I’ve heard folks tell others that they are not the first person to…, so get over it; or say things like I didn’t like him anyway; it was only a pet; or even comparing their plight to another’s and making it trivial.

Anytime someone faces an abrupt change, or feels like things are beyond their control, or faces a disruption to their routine, it can cause stress and feelings of crisis. People react to stress in individual ways, they have different priorities, strengths and weaknesses. No one has the right to minimize another person’s concerns, fears, love, loss or sadness. Supporting someone who is in crisis mode means respecting their feelings and not putting your own feelings first. You may not care for dogs but telling someone who just lost their beloved pet that “it was only a dog” is cruel and thoughtless.

Practice kindness by showing compassion for someone who is suffering. Compassion begins with understanding their feelings, empathizing with them, and the desire to help them survive the stress. Minimizing and ignoring their feelings may be easier for you, but does nothing to help them. Respect their feelings, don’t criticize them. Be there to lend a shoulder or an ear, hold them (literally or figuratively) and let them know you care. Their feelings are important to them, respect that. This also holds true for celebrating accomplishments – it’s a big thing and important, so applaud them loudly and congratulate them without limits. 

“Compassion brings us to a stop, and for a moment we rise above ourselves.” ~Mason Cooley

I’ve been fortunate with the people surrounding me – one of my pussycats was recently very ill (thank goodness he seems to be recovering nicely) and friends and family offered encouragement and showed genuine concern. It really was appreciated.