About Bartlett’s Rule & #MeToo

When I was writing Bartlett’s Rule I drew on a lot of experiences that my friends and I had growing up. According to statistics from RAINN “One out of every six American women has been a victim of attempted or completed rape in her lifetime.” My friends and I definitely knew the reality of that number.

In Bartlett’s Rule Paige is unable to talk about her experience, she feels shame and doubts that people will believe her. Even though she has gotten some therapy, it is hard to get past the guilt of being a victim — this is a very normal reaction and one which keeps many victims silent. In Bartlett’s Rule my characters learn that being a “victim” is not the victim’s fault, the story line also shows that sexual assault is not an act of love or even just healthy sexual desire, it is a show of force and control.

Recently the #MeToo movement has helped many women speak out and see that they are far from alone; it has also allowed some male victims of sexual assault to speak out as well. While there are many who have stated that “they are just coming out of the woodwork” there is a modicum of truth; finally victims who have remained silent all these years are speaking out. Facebook hosted so many comments containing the simple #MeToo moniker and there were a lot of discussions.

Still there are people who doubt, people who question about the movement inspiring over reactions. Some have even complained about being falsely accused of sexual harassment, people are worried about things that can be conceived in the workplace as improper, and still others who simply cannot fathom the amount of people coming forward. It is a difficult topic, too difficult to ignore. Perhaps one day when folks are more aware of their own actions and words, when they are more respectful of others’ feelings, and they are less judgmental about what types of clothing were worn or where someone was walking we may be able to weed out the over reactions, reduce the incidents of abuse, and help to heal victims without any shame or guilt.

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Yes, I’m Angry ~ #MondayBlogs

Yes, I am angry… and you should be too.

Sex can be great when it is something that BOTH parties want, but let’s not sugarcoat the ugly — sexual ABUSE is not great for anyone.

Sexual abuse, whether it is the stranger fondling someone on a crowded subway, forcing someone to perform a non-intercourse sex act, or a #NoMistakingItForWhatItIs rape is abuse and is wrong.

If you have to threaten someone with a weapon, physical strength, emotional blackmail or threats of punishment (of the victim or someone else) in order to “score”, then it is RAPE, ABUSE, WRONG. Clothing, intoxication, the hour of the day or night, or even a history of previous relations is NOT an invitation to get laid. The word NO means IT AIN’T HAPPENING. The inability to say no, or to say anything, means IF I CAN’T CONSENT, YOU DON’T HAVE PERMISSION. Rape is not a mistake, it is a malicious act. And rape is not even sex, it is a sick need for domination. And one more thing, REAL men do not rape, EVER.

Now be aware that rape and sexual abuse can happen to women or men, girls or boys. And sexual abuse can be instigated by men or women. Since I am a woman though I am using the female’s POV.

Most acts of rape or sexual abuse go unreported; many times this is due to shame, the belief that no one will believe the victim, that no one DOES believe the victim (schools are notorious for this), or that the victim is somehow convinced that SHE ASKED FOR IT. Sometimes it takes time before the victim can talk about it and it is long after rape kits can add validity. Sometimes the act can never be spoken about because that is just the way the victim has found to cope. Most times, thankfully, the victim moves on and survives and finds a way to work around the triggers that haunt her for the rest of her life. And sometimes the victim simply denies that she was ever abused… why? Because she couldn’t go on living if she admits it.

Sometimes rape is reported, immediately or shortly after, and the rapist is taken into custody… sometimes even the case does go to court. And invariably the victim is the one who is on trial, lawyers bring up the victim’s social conduct, the clothes she wore, brings in previous lovers to prove promiscuity, and G-d help her if she was ever abused in the past, they will use that to “prove” a pattern where the victim obviously enjoys it.

Of course not all is gloom, we do have a rare conviction now and then and a really fair and impartial judge acknowledges that a young man’s sports accomplishments would be ruined by a long imprisonment so he sends the guy to jail for a whole six months (with good behavior he’s out in three). And the judges who realize how charging a young man with rape could ruin his entire future now that is priceless.

Sigh, one more rant. I am aware that sadly not every report of rape is true, but false reports are extremely rare. There is the occasional set-up, publicity seeker, or woman who is looking to cover her tracks and lie about an illicit evening. And to these women, rare though it may be — your impact is huge and you may as well be raping these victims all over again, because each time your lies are exposed, more true and HONEST victims are doubted and made to suffer again. So congratulations for being part of the pain, I hope you can sleep well… even though you don’t deserve it.

If you have been victimized, you are not alone, you are not wrong and you have nothing to be ashamed of. If you care for someone who has been raped or abused you are not to be blamed. For more information on the ugly truth about sexual abuse, incest, and rape you can go here: https://www.rainn.org/after-sexual-assault and for support check out http://www.aftersilence.org/ or call the WOAR 24 Hour Hotline: 215-985-3333. You can Google regional support groups closer to your location if needed.

 You are not alone. You are not a lost cause. You can heal.

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