Good Cop, Bad Cop

First off, let me say I LOVE cops. Before I was married I had even applied to the NYPD and did very well on the tests, it was a strong possibility that I would even have been in the first class after my test date — except New York City had a major financial crisis that year (1974) and not only disbanded that list of potential recruits, but I understand they let go of the then-current academy class. It was about one or two years later that I received a letter inviting me back, although I would have to pass another physical. By that time I was married and had moved away from the city, and I decided not to pursue it.

 

While I never regretted my decision, I have often thought of how things in life might have been different had I actually gone into the academy and got on the force… still, no regrets. I have always had an affinity for first responders. I met my husband while we were both volunteering for the Auxiliary Police at a local precinct. Nowadays I have family in all arms of first response and I admire and am so proud of each one. Each man and woman in uniform is out there with every intention of doing good for every member of the community that they are sworn to "serve and protect".

 

That being said, I am so disappointed when I hear of an abuse of power. Those FEW officers ruin it for everyone else. When I good and honest police officer is out on the street and has to deal with the distrust and criticisms directed at him/her because of actions of a few over-zealous members, it makes their already difficult job harder. One of my relatives, an officer in his department, actually told me that no one is angrier at an abusive cop than all of the other GOOD cops He hates it when, especially a child, someone is scared of him just because he has a uniform on.

 

It is so sad when the actions of many are judged because of the actions of a few because of their uniform, color, gender or age. Mistrust grows with each “nasty” encounter and people on both sides tend to over-react. Communities are scared of police and cop-families are scared that their loved ones might not return because they hesitated. And indeed, there are those with malicious intent on all sides, and more who react out of fear because of previous incidents — and it is always the FEW who make it worse for everyone else. And when you actually take a moment it’s clear that most people, cops and civilians, aren’t looking for violent encounters.

 

I heard an expression recently that just because you hate “police brutality” doesn’t mean you hate all police because that would be the same as saying just because you hate child abuse then you hate all parents. You can believe in the BLM movement and still support your police at the same time. These days it is tough to be a cop AND it is tough to be a young black man on the street. Somehow we have to find a way to work together, stealing an old song title, we have to find a way to “give peace a chance”.

Empathy... better with it or without it

 Definition of empathy (from the Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

the action of understanding, being aware of,
being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing
the feelings, thoughts, and experience
of another of either the past or present 

When you have empathy you can relate to the pain and sorrow that another person may be experiencing — if you hear of someone losing a close family member something triggers your own feeling of loss, either real or imagined. You feel FOR the person because you understand what he is going through.When you understand what that individual is going through you might be able to offer solace, comfort and support. BUT... if your level of empathy encompasses you it may drown you in those emotions causing you mental anguish and making you unable to offer comfort to the bereaved.Being compassionate is a healthy form of empathy as you understand what someone is going through and can still maintain a mental distance by staying aware that this is SOMEONE ELSE'S loss. You can offer support and comfort without losing yourself in the sorrow.Being sympathetic, while certainly nice (on the surface) may or may not be disingenuous. You hear bad news and you offer platitudes — but do you really feel for the individual or just know that it's the polite response?Certain relationships do better when people can empathize with one another. Parents who can truly understand what their children are feeling, their angst and insecurities, can offer much needed support and guidance. Health-care workers can help to emotionally support their patients along with the medical help they provide. However if the empathy is too all-encompassing it is easy to lose oneself, be depressed and insecure. Too much empathy can even result in manifested health problems, sleepless nights, and damage to other relationships.

When it comes to feeling loss, grief is a very personal thing and not everyone feels the same things. Religious customs sometimes play a big role in the way a person grieves and accepts their loss; although it is uncommon that a loss is ever truly “accepted”, the pain often lingers and sometimes causes tears even years later. The relationship a person has had with the now deceased may have been complex, even painful, and the survivor now has to juggle their mixed emotions.

There are times that SOME of us cannot understand another person’s reaction to grief, but do we really have a right to expect someone to break down and cry when that loss happens? Maybe the person is in shock and that overwhelming grief has yet to hit. Or maybe the person’s upbringing taught them unwavering steps to follow? Or, sadly, maybe a person’s childhood left him with an inability to show their emotions?

It’s not for any of us to judge how someone else mourns and grieves. All we can do is be compassionate and certainly never take joy in another’s person’s pain. Remember though that you can always be there and care.

“Any man's death diminishes me,
because I am involved in mankind,
and therefore never send to know
for whom the bells tolls;
it tolls for thee.”
~ John Donne

I HATE Computers!!!!

Now I know as a writer that might sound phony, but as much as I rely on computers and virtual technology in my field, this artificial intelligence wanna-be that I call my laptop really does seem to have a mind of its own. And I am convinced that it wants to kill me! (…or at least frustrate the heck out of me)

 

Like many of us, I get assaulted by “necessary upgrades” and even if I try to ignore these in my busiest moments, I do try to do the “responsible” thing and take care of THE MACHINE. Invariably each time there is another upgrade, SOMETHING changes on my machine, most times it’s just my desktop appearance.

 

But NOOOO, not this last time. I got the usual box popping up on my screen from MicroSoft with the normal gobbledygook about upgrades — the first time that happened (with this laptop) I was advised to let it upgrade and I have each time since. Usually my desktop appearance changes, my fonts change to smaller sizes, or other rather minor annoyances.

 

Oy! But this time, this time it not only changed the appearance, it WIPED MY FILES off of the hard drive! Yes, wiped, as in scrubbed. I am lucky, I guess, in that I disconnected my external drive before allowing the upgrade, I didn’t see the need for that to remain connected as the computer played around going on and off. And while it will be time-consuming, I can gather most of the files I lost from Documents and Downloads. It also removed some programs, but the only one I can remember for sure is ZOOM.

 

I bothered my son with desperate text messages yesterday when I discovered the emptiness. Of course the first thing he said was, “Mom, upgrades don’t erase files.” And trying to hold back tears I uttered back, “But something did!” He is my computer guru, but he is miles away and so it will take time before he can actually take a look at my machine. Something is definitely wrong in PC land.

 

In the meanwhile I can’t avoid using the dratted thing, my editors depend on me and just about everything these days is via the internet. So I am writing and sending my work – 

BUT I AM NOT TALKING TO MY COMPUTER!

 

Taking Advantage

Why is it when people are vulnerable there always seems to be someone willing to take advantage of them?

The last few months many people have been out of work using home computers to keep up with school, family and, if they are the lucky few who could work from home, their office. Hackers are finding ways to download invasive software, sending fraudulent emails, answer phished phone numbers and make scammed phone calls. It’s dismaying at a time when people should be helping one another, some just take advantage.

Scammers will make you think they are authentic and really just being helpful — maybe they’re offering to help you lower your interest rates, what better time to wave that juicy tidbit in front of folks than when they are short on cash and many really do have the bills piling up. Seniors are especially vulnerable to scammers because they are used to getting contacted from insurance plans, Medicare and Social Security; but NONE of those entities will ask for personal information like social security numbers or passwords.

Then we have the hackers who know enough to download software and steal sensitive information from your computer or even use your own computer to make purchases. Sometimes they call from a “computer company” claiming that your machine is corrupted and they need to fix it; don’t accept a story like that, if there really is a problem you make the contact (in person if possible). If you believe a program is being downloaded, immediately disconnect your computer from the internet completely and DELETE any program that has been downloaded – use the remove/uninstall program feature.

Many financial institutions and some stores who offer credit cards have made provisions to help protect you in the case that someone is fraudulently using your credit to purchase things like e-gift cards or transfer bank funds. Ask about double verification when you sign in to your bank — after entering your log-in and password (never store sensitive passwords on your computer) they will send your mobile phone a text message with a code which you will need to enter before continuing (one method). Be sure to set “alerts” on every bank account or store credit account, this will cause a message to be sent to your phone and/or e-mail as soon as a transaction takes place; you can usually set the limit to be notified (make it LOW).

Don’t be embarrassed IF you do get scammed, almost everyone falls for something shady — report it to the authorities (police, FTC, banks, stores, etc.) immediately. Contact banking institutions to ask if you could STOP transactions from going through (may need to pay a fee). Be sure to keep any correspondence (emails, text messages and the like) and copy phone numbers (although they might not be authentic) related to the scam. Unfortunately if you do lose money, it is NO longer deductible on your tax forms.

Some helpful advice to avoid fraud and scams:

 BBB Tips: 10 Steps toAvoid Scams

 Avoiding Scams 101 | FTC ConsumerInformation

 Top 10 Scams and Frauds You Can Avoid –AARP

 Protect yourself from phishing scams

I’m Easy…

I’m very easy to talk to. Like my mom and my sister, people seem to naturally open up about things EVEN IF THEY WEREN’T ASKED!

I remember when I was young and my family went places (like Palisades Amusement Park in NJ – oops, I guess I AM that old!) my dad would take my sister and me on rides while my mom (who was disabled) would take a seat on a bench and wait for our return. Invariably we would come walking back to find a small crowd around my mother and just talking, it was almost like she was holding court, LOL. Others who weren’t interested in going on the rides gravitated to her and simply TALKED, they would always turn to my dad and praise my mom saying that they hadn’t enjoyed conversations like that before.

This seems to be a talent that both of her daughters inherited.

I’ve found on occasion that being easy to talk to is sometimes a blessing and sometimes a curse. Don’t get me wrong, as anyone who knows me can tell you, I do love to talk and I pretty much will talk about anything. Sometimes the folks talking to me also seem to want to talk about anything and sometimes it’s things I really don’t want to hear about! As a reporter interviewing a subject I’ve heard about exploits and secrets and I’ve actually turned to more than one person and asked “Would you prefer I don’t put that in the article?” It seems that most don’t even realize how much they’ve told me.

When friends and acquaintances have approached me because they “need to talk” I’ve been told secrets that they certainly don’t want anyone else to hear; I don’t ask to be told these things and even remind most that some things they should keep to themselves. I’m proud to say I haven’t spilled the beans on anyone yet! I’ve heard tales that would certainly have ramifications and cause a lot of family arguments. While I don’t think any of these secrets could be considered criminal, some have been whoppers and would definitely break families and a few even might cost some a job. Tempting though it may be to include of few of these tales, with names and circumstances changed to protect the “innocent”, I haven’t even included these tales in my fiction writing.

Yes, I like to think people enjoy speaking with me, but there is a drawback. A FEW of these people who have told me their secrets have become embarrassed thinking that they would be “caught” in their lies — as I said, I don’t tell others — but I imagine a few of them do worry, some even become a bit paranoid. And thus the drawback.

Please know, I would only break your confidences if it kept you from harm or harming someone else — otherwise, my lips are sealed.

Team Players

Whether it’s the work office or a volunteer organization, you can get more things done when people work together — just like any coordinated TEAM.

Surprisingly though some people take a back seat when it comes to getting things done, BUT sure do let their mouths make their presence known. Unfortunately the negativity they tend to spread sometimes has an effect on other people and their willingness to help. There are those folks who will make snide and unsubstantiated allegations, I guess somehow they feel some sort of warped power.

Luckily while there are some borderline volunteers/workers that may get discouraged by the rhetoric, the negativity sometimes makes others more determined to get the “job” done the RIGHT way.

From a 2013 article in Psychology Today, “Why is this? Why do people so often want to hurt and harm others? Decades of research indicates that there is much truth in the popular belief that people are mean to others in order to feel better about themselves.”

It seems that if a person feels bad about themselves, they try to cast those same negative qualities on others so that they are no longer the “bad guy”. The lower a person’s self-esteem, the more they want to “see” the bad in others in the hopes that they can start believing “hey, I’m really not THAT bad.”

And from The Atlantic, “According to their understanding, we judge the power of others relative to our own: When we feel powerful, others appear less so --and powerlessness and smallness often go together in our minds.”

I volunteer in the community where I live, I try to use my natural talents and experience to make my community just a little better; and yes that certainly does sound a bit egotistical on my part! There are those who just want to complain, cast aspersions against others, and stir up trouble where there is none… all because they are trying to make themselves feel better!

I’ve tried to pull the obstinate into the mix and letting them have a part in getting the job done; sometimes it works. I would love to see all that negativity being channeled and turned into positive efforts. To steal a cliché, think of the mountains we could move if we worked together. But each of us can only open the door, we can’t force others to feel the same way or as strongly as we might.

To be honest most times I don’t even bother engaging them in their silly little games. I understand that by not engaging them they are not being given the power to feel better about themselves — but at the same time engaging the troublemakers would only waste MY time trying to get things done.

So in effect the morale of this tale is not to let others’ anger or complaints discourage you when you are simply trying to do your part. It’s not personal, it’s not about YOU.

Dear Mario

Mario 2008-2018

It’s almost two years since you left us so suddenly. One morning you were just playing and the next you were gone. I don’t think I will ever really get over that.

We brought you home as a tiny kitten. It was so funny how you and your brothers CHOSE US that day we visited the animal shelter; you and Luigi stuck your little kitten claws into Marc’s sweatshirt and refused to let go, and Tigger beckoned to us through the bars of his cage. The three of you knew you had to come home with us that day.

You gave us ten beautiful years — and your name fit you so well, you grew from a tiny little kitten into a “Super” Mario, big and beautiful, and oh so affectionate. You were truly “My Gentle Giant”. We were in the middle of moving when you passed and we had such plans of you and your brothers running through our new home… we brought you with us anyway, you’re buried out back. 

I know you were greeted by our cats that came before you, Pumpkin, Dusty, Peppe, Shadow, Issabelle, Whiskas and Stumpy (actually your "nephew"). I really miss each one, please say HI for me.

Your dad and I have had the pleasure of cats living with us for almost our entire married life of nearly 45 years. There’s always been mischief, and lots of purring and cuddles. Our two-legged children (Jenni and Marc) grew up knowing your love and protection, and being so much richer for the experience of having “pets” in the house. Both of their grown-up homes are filled with four-footed members as well.

Mario, I always think of you, especially at this time of year, both for your birthday and for the day that you left us. I wish you had been around longer even though the ache of losing you could never be less.

Unfortunately, cats (and dogs) don’t have the life expectancy of humans and each one takes a little piece of our hearts with them as they pass. Yet somehow each cat (and dog) seems to make our hearts bigger and able to love more. Visits to the animal shelter always proved the ability to love another, and maybe even more than one at a time. We have been blessed to have had our four-legged companions live with us and show us how capable they are of loving us as much as we love them.

Mario, Luigi & Tigger

If you are looking for love…
visit an animal shelter.