Dealing With Critical People

 

Let's face it, we all know someone like this, someone who seems to find something wrong with everyone around you and often questions why you even bother with "your friends"… sometimes they might even criticize you.

 

Why do they do that? Some of these critics are really very nice and intelligent people so is it really their own low self-esteem that makes them this way as was suggested by a few mental health reporters. How do you deal with their constant barrage of insults and complaints?

 

First LISTEN to what they are saying. I am not saying take it to heart, as a matter of fact you shouldn't take any of their words personally. Some of these people are actually well meaning and seeing the world only they way the want to see it — so they are trying to help, maybe even teach. This doesn't mean you should stay quiet and let their barbs land on you, but don't argue. Tell them calmly that it doesn't make you feel very good when they always criticize you and ask them if they would take the time to explain what they see. Especially if hey are professional in some field that they are referring to  they might actually be helpful.

 

If however the individual takes this as an invitation to berate you even more, then you know they are just "happier" being miserable. And you don't have to put up with that. Tell them firmly, still not angrily, that you will not accept their insults or condemnations. There is a story about Buddha that you might even take to heart:

 

Buddha was well known for his ability to respond to evil with good.  There was a man who knew about his reputation, and he traveled miles and miles and miles to test Buddha. When he arrived and stood before Buddha, he verbally abused him constantly; he insulted him; he challenged him; he did everything he could to offend Buddha.

Buddha was unmoved, he simply turned to the man and said, “May I ask you a question?”

The man responded with, “Well, what?”

Buddha said, “If someone offers you a gift and you decline to accept it, to whom then does it belong?”

The man said, “Then it belongs to the person who offered it.”

Buddha smiled, “That is correct.  So if I decline to accept your abuse, does it not then still belong to you?”

The man was speechless and walked away.

If this person is simply being critical with no attempt at helping or teaching you, or if they are generally critical about everyone they speak about, be kind. Yes it sounds more like they are sensitive about their own performance, or the way they are seen be others. Without being effusive or phony, find something encouraging to say about them… admire an achievement, sincerely ask for their help on something, thank them for their suggestion. It's quite possible you might even see a change in their manner of speaking to you. Still though, if you need to, gently remind them that they may have hurt you with the way they've said something.

 

In the long run you might find even more of a friend than you thought you had before. And, if it doesn't work, then minimize the time you spend alone with this person. It's worth a try.

Team Players

Whether it’s the work office or a volunteer organization, you can get more things done when people work together — just like any coordinated TEAM.

Surprisingly though some people take a back seat when it comes to getting things done, BUT sure do let their mouths make their presence known. Unfortunately the negativity they tend to spread sometimes has an effect on other people and their willingness to help. There are those folks who will make snide and unsubstantiated allegations, I guess somehow they feel some sort of warped power.

Luckily while there are some borderline volunteers/workers that may get discouraged by the rhetoric, the negativity sometimes makes others more determined to get the “job” done the RIGHT way.

From a 2013 article in Psychology Today, “Why is this? Why do people so often want to hurt and harm others? Decades of research indicates that there is much truth in the popular belief that people are mean to others in order to feel better about themselves.”

It seems that if a person feels bad about themselves, they try to cast those same negative qualities on others so that they are no longer the “bad guy”. The lower a person’s self-esteem, the more they want to “see” the bad in others in the hopes that they can start believing “hey, I’m really not THAT bad.”

And from The Atlantic, “According to their understanding, we judge the power of others relative to our own: When we feel powerful, others appear less so --and powerlessness and smallness often go together in our minds.”

I volunteer in the community where I live, I try to use my natural talents and experience to make my community just a little better; and yes that certainly does sound a bit egotistical on my part! There are those who just want to complain, cast aspersions against others, and stir up trouble where there is none… all because they are trying to make themselves feel better!

I’ve tried to pull the obstinate into the mix and letting them have a part in getting the job done; sometimes it works. I would love to see all that negativity being channeled and turned into positive efforts. To steal a cliché, think of the mountains we could move if we worked together. But each of us can only open the door, we can’t force others to feel the same way or as strongly as we might.

To be honest most times I don’t even bother engaging them in their silly little games. I understand that by not engaging them they are not being given the power to feel better about themselves — but at the same time engaging the troublemakers would only waste MY time trying to get things done.

So in effect the morale of this tale is not to let others’ anger or complaints discourage you when you are simply trying to do your part. It’s not personal, it’s not about YOU.

Pretty Little Liars - #MondayBlogs

It’s all lies — Pretense —Make believe. Why? Why do some people think they need to be someone or something else than who they are? Do they really feel such a lack of confidence in themselves, or is it distaste?

I’ve heard people telling “war stories” repeatedly and the more often they tell them, the more we have cause to question them because of how much they change each time. Sometimes the stories are about war, sometimes they aren’t. These stories could be as innocuous as exaggerating about the price of paint, each time the story was told the cans of paint became more and more expensive; most times these tales can be put up with because they really do no harm. Then there are the times the stories are indeed wanna-be glory-hounds pretending to be war veterans, those annoy me.

I used to know a man who pretended to have served in Viet Nam and told numerous stories about some of the “great battles” he fought… to be honest, he would have been 12-years old for one of these battles! He introduced himself in group situations as a vet, tried to join organizations designed for vets, and lied to his own family about his war service. He was finally confronted by an actual war veteran and the last I heard he is no longer announcing his service in public forums – and it’s obvious he is angry at being denied the chance to boast.

Why would someone continue to promulgate such lies, these are fraudulent and of course if there is any chance of benefits might even be illegal. Does such a person have emotional damage, feelings of insecurity, a desperate need for attention, or even feelings of powerlessness? How are we supposed to react when we know these people who are lying to our faces? How much should we care and how much time should we invest in trying to correct the behavior?

According to Bully OnLine, people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder will often “fraudulently claim to have qualifications or experience or affiliations or associations which they don't have or aren't entitled to. Belief in superiority, inflating their self-esteem to match that of senior or important people with whom they associate or identify, insisting on having the ‘top’ professionals or being affiliated with the ‘best’ institutions, but criticizing the same people who disappoint them are also common features of narcissistic personality disorder.” Narcissists have fragile self-esteem and anger issues, are envious of others, abuse special privileges, and are arrogant and haughty.

I’ve reached the point that unless the person’s lies are hurting someone, I just ignore them. Maybe that’s just the easy way… How many people do you know who fit this personality? How do you react around them and their lies? I’d love to hear your opinion.