Dealing With Critical People

 

Let's face it, we all know someone like this, someone who seems to find something wrong with everyone around you and often questions why you even bother with "your friends"… sometimes they might even criticize you.

 

Why do they do that? Some of these critics are really very nice and intelligent people so is it really their own low self-esteem that makes them this way as was suggested by a few mental health reporters. How do you deal with their constant barrage of insults and complaints?

 

First LISTEN to what they are saying. I am not saying take it to heart, as a matter of fact you shouldn't take any of their words personally. Some of these people are actually well meaning and seeing the world only they way the want to see it — so they are trying to help, maybe even teach. This doesn't mean you should stay quiet and let their barbs land on you, but don't argue. Tell them calmly that it doesn't make you feel very good when they always criticize you and ask them if they would take the time to explain what they see. Especially if hey are professional in some field that they are referring to  they might actually be helpful.

 

If however the individual takes this as an invitation to berate you even more, then you know they are just "happier" being miserable. And you don't have to put up with that. Tell them firmly, still not angrily, that you will not accept their insults or condemnations. There is a story about Buddha that you might even take to heart:

 

Buddha was well known for his ability to respond to evil with good.  There was a man who knew about his reputation, and he traveled miles and miles and miles to test Buddha. When he arrived and stood before Buddha, he verbally abused him constantly; he insulted him; he challenged him; he did everything he could to offend Buddha.

Buddha was unmoved, he simply turned to the man and said, “May I ask you a question?”

The man responded with, “Well, what?”

Buddha said, “If someone offers you a gift and you decline to accept it, to whom then does it belong?”

The man said, “Then it belongs to the person who offered it.”

Buddha smiled, “That is correct.  So if I decline to accept your abuse, does it not then still belong to you?”

The man was speechless and walked away.

If this person is simply being critical with no attempt at helping or teaching you, or if they are generally critical about everyone they speak about, be kind. Yes it sounds more like they are sensitive about their own performance, or the way they are seen be others. Without being effusive or phony, find something encouraging to say about them… admire an achievement, sincerely ask for their help on something, thank them for their suggestion. It's quite possible you might even see a change in their manner of speaking to you. Still though, if you need to, gently remind them that they may have hurt you with the way they've said something.

 

In the long run you might find even more of a friend than you thought you had before. And, if it doesn't work, then minimize the time you spend alone with this person. It's worth a try.

Friendships and Other Interests

 

No two people are living the same life — actually if they are there is something truly “suspicious” going on. We each have our own priorities, likes, dislikes and responsibilities. Some may have family members that another person doesn’t (spouse, children, siblings, etc.) and therefore interests and obligations may not be the same. But… what is the same is the desire to live one’s life, enjoy even the little things, to know love, to want happiness, and to truly feel alive.

 

When someone has a problem, whether or not that predicament is as important to you, doesn’t mean that you know how much someone else is allowed to feel or not. And your experiences, no matter how similar you believe them to be, are NOT the same and that other person does not need to react, feel and believe the same way you do. What is even worse is not really caring how the other person feels and not even trying to.

 

YOU are entitled to be thrilled with the joys in your life and even to share your enthusiasm with others. You need to remember though that you are not the only person in the world, not everyone has to be enthralled with your joys or the things that excite you. At the same time, you do not have a right to minimize another’s joy and enthusiasm. Friendship, love, caring — it’s all give AND take. It’s being considerate of someone else’s feelings.

 

By all means, share your joys, but don’t let it reach the point where you are literally shoving your happiness and blessings upon someone who may be made to feel less for not having what you have. Accept that everyone comes from a different “place” and yours is not the only one that matters. If you and a friend are talking (is it really you AND?) about everything that makes YOU happy and then that friend wants to share some of his own joy, take the time to listen just as they did for you.

 

Think about it honestly. How would you feel if the person you call friend lets you know they just aren’t interested in the things that you hold most dear? Take the time to think of others… and yes, if necessary, eliminate (or at least reduce) those from your life who take you for granted.

 

People Hear What They Want to Hear ~ #MondayBlogs

Why is it that two people can listen to the exact same thing and yet hear totally different things?

Don’t worry about answering, it’s a rhetorical question.

People tend to read into difficult words rather than merely taking them at face value. “That dress really looks nice on you. It’s got a very slimming effect.” — Oh no! Does that mean I look fat? — Instead of accepting what is probably a very genuine compliment, suddenly there are tears, hurt feelings and probably anger. And that is how arguments start.

Everybody hears what they are open to hearing based on their experiences and beliefs. Politicians get to say a lot of sometimes “nothing” and yet every speech will be met with cheers and jeers based on what the listeners WANT to believe. I WANT to believe that all my financial woes can be solved by a single act of a new shopping complex and the revenue it would bring to the area; I DON’T WANT to believe that giving up my brand new shiny car will help solve global warming. The politician says the new factory which will open up jobs will be the best thing and scrubbers will be installed in every smokestack — if I need a job, I’ll hear the opportunity of a new business; but if my child is an asthmatic the words that will be loudest to me will be “scrubbers in every smokestack” and depending on my level of trust…

We tend to listen selfishly with our own interests out front. We are afraid to accept, or hear, anything that might make us question the beliefs we’ve been loudly professing. We’ll attend a campaign speech to “listen” to the words of our favorite candidate and we are rarely disappointed. We focus on the things we want to hear and all the rest is just background noise. Almost everybody in the crowd does the same thing and it’s easy to get swept up with the emotional response, cheering and clapping. When the speech is over we turn and clap each other on the backs for a job-well-done as if we were the ones receiving all of the approving applause. Later when we are asked what was said, suddenly all we can remember are the good points that we agreed with, and we might not even remember the exact words, we just repeat the very things that drew us, right or wrong, to this candidate.

It’s frustrating when we are trying to get our message and meaning out there and someone is just not listening to the words. Chances are, though, we might be doing just the same thing. Selective hearing? Biased hearing? It’s a collective problem.

Psychologists tell us that we need to train ourselves to not only listen, but to listen from the other person’s point of view. If you can argue FOR an opposing view you wind up expanding your mind. And maybe it won’t make you change your mind but it will certainly allow you stronger belief in what YOU want to hear.