Forgotten Memories

 

I was listening to a random conversation the other day where someone commented on the horrendous Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire in 1911… suddenly I was reminded of a conversation I had (as a teenager) with a young woman whose mother, as a young child, was one of the severely injured survivors ——and it truly bothers me that I cannot remember her name.

 

How many people have we come across in our lives who made enough impression on us to remember bits and pieces, and yet not all the information? Admittedly, she was only an acquaintance, we hadn't been hard and fast friends, and yet her words about her mother's scarring and terrible ordeal did leave a lasting impression somewhere in the back of my mind. I don't even remember how I met her, just that at one time we "hung out" together and talked… like friends.

 

I have childhood friends that I remember vividly (or so I believe), most of them are no longer in my life. I often wonder what happened to some. Why is it we seem to remember some people even though we haven't spoken to them in (in some cases) half a century? And why is it we forget others even when something sticks in the back of our minds, just waiting to spring open when we haven't thought of them in years? I am pleased to say that I do have some very long-term friends who are currently in my life and those friendships I will always treasure.

 

Novelist John Irving said,
"Just when you begin thinking of yourself as memorable,
 you run into someone who can't even remember having met you."

 

 I apologize to those folks that I don't "remember" — it's terrible to admit someone has been forgotten. (Yes, I am sure that I didn't remain memorable to some folks either.) And yet, do we ever really forget when just a simple, supposedly unrelated, phrase is uttered and suddenly the memories come flooding back, but not quite all the way.

 

Allegedly the average person meets around 80-thousand people in his lifetime. I guess it would be hard to keep track of all of them.

 

 

 

Friendships and Other Interests

 

No two people are living the same life — actually if they are there is something truly “suspicious” going on. We each have our own priorities, likes, dislikes and responsibilities. Some may have family members that another person doesn’t (spouse, children, siblings, etc.) and therefore interests and obligations may not be the same. But… what is the same is the desire to live one’s life, enjoy even the little things, to know love, to want happiness, and to truly feel alive.

 

When someone has a problem, whether or not that predicament is as important to you, doesn’t mean that you know how much someone else is allowed to feel or not. And your experiences, no matter how similar you believe them to be, are NOT the same and that other person does not need to react, feel and believe the same way you do. What is even worse is not really caring how the other person feels and not even trying to.

 

YOU are entitled to be thrilled with the joys in your life and even to share your enthusiasm with others. You need to remember though that you are not the only person in the world, not everyone has to be enthralled with your joys or the things that excite you. At the same time, you do not have a right to minimize another’s joy and enthusiasm. Friendship, love, caring — it’s all give AND take. It’s being considerate of someone else’s feelings.

 

By all means, share your joys, but don’t let it reach the point where you are literally shoving your happiness and blessings upon someone who may be made to feel less for not having what you have. Accept that everyone comes from a different “place” and yours is not the only one that matters. If you and a friend are talking (is it really you AND?) about everything that makes YOU happy and then that friend wants to share some of his own joy, take the time to listen just as they did for you.

 

Think about it honestly. How would you feel if the person you call friend lets you know they just aren’t interested in the things that you hold most dear? Take the time to think of others… and yes, if necessary, eliminate (or at least reduce) those from your life who take you for granted.

 

Who will remember me?

I went to a shiva call the other night (shiva: In Judaism, the first period of structured mourning. Throughout the shiva period, mourners come together in the mourner’s home to offer their condolences and support.) Although it might sound odd to those who are not familiar with the custom, this shiva was truly what one should hope for.

Yes, everyone offered their condolences and concern for the bereaved, but then the house was filled with smiles, chuckles, and remembered stories to share. The table and counters were laden with trays of cookies, cakes, fruits and hot foods — all brought by visitors or sent by friends to help “take care” of the grieving family.

The house was full, so much so that there was barely a place to sit, with friends who knew the deceased (some from early childhood), knew the mourning family, and distant relatives. The woman had been a teacher and former students and her fellow teachers came, neighbors stopped in, members of her social club. There were a lot of people filled with love.

Seeing how this woman touched so many lives and how many people loved her makes someone wonder at their own mortality and how she will be remembered when her time comes. Of course I know my immediate family will be there and most probably some cousins and even a neighbor or two… but will the funeral chapel be filled and will my loved ones’ home be filled with people who remember me and who will help to ease the grief?

I’ve been haunted by a funeral I once attended. She was, in my heart, a wonderful person, but she had survived all of her blood family and many long-time friends. There was a storm the day of the funeral and while she had been active in her local community, she had pre-made her arrangements in a funeral home that necessitated public transportation for her neighbors to attend. Between those that weren’t left to mourn her passing, the horrible weather, and the distance from her small circle of friends, there were only five of us (plus the officiant) in the chapel. Six people to send her on her way. Six.

When it is my time, will there be a houseful of people to remember me, or only a mere handful to send me off? Which one will I be? I hope that people will laugh and smile, I hope that I will be remembered fondly, and I hope there will be warm hearts to surround my loved ones and help them to move on.

He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much;

Who has gained the respect of intelligent men and the love of little children;

Who has filled his niche and accomplished his task;

Who has left the world better than he found it;

Who has looked for the best in others and given the best he had;

Whose life was an inspiration;

Whose memory is a benediction.

~ Robert Louis Stevenson

Moving On

As we grow older we experience many changes in our lives, we move on from jobs, lifestyles, and losses. When we reach retirement we often find ourselves moving on to new residences, new surroundings. It’s a wonderful new beginning!

The problem is as we move on to new places we wind up leaving a lot behind. We can take our memories with us, but we leave behind attachments… and friends. Often we’re not the only ones leaving a place behind, our friends have chosen to move on as well. Nowadays our best friends are scattered from L.A. to North Carolina and back to lower Manhattan, all people we once shared neighborhoods with. It’s hard and rare to see each other in person, gone are the last minute impromptu dinners and the touch of a friend’s arm across the shoulders to help work out some problem.

With the miracle of technology we don’t have to say goodbye at least, we can call on the phone, email, or even see each other on a screen as we video chat and all in real time — still it’s not the same. Being pen-pals isn't enough, the letters take their time getting to your friend's door. The benefit of social media allows us to stay in touch without much effort and in the company of thousands, kind of loses the intimacy of that special bond that friends can form. It’s what we have.

We can always make new friends without letting go (completely) of the older friends (not in age but in longevity). The problem with new friends is that you don’t share history, it’s harder for new friends to just “get you”. How much of your own personal history are you willing to share, how much do you need to share before your new friends really KNOW you? And do you rewrite your history to fit in with your new crowd?

This is life in 2019. It’s a rare individual that is born, grows up in and dies in the same small town for all of their life. We make moves and follow jobs and passions. Is what we are leaving behind too great a loss?

It’s not our fault we made the move, sometimes we weren’t even the first to leave the old neighborhood. I guess that part of growing up is knowing how to keep your friendships even across the miles… it’s not always easy, but definitely worth it.

..

People in our lives ~ #MondayBlogs

“No one can cross the path that is your life without 

leaving some footprints behind” ~ Chelle Cordero

It is my belief that every person we encounter in our life changes us, sometimes significantly and sometimes barely. We have conversations where we can learn, we bump shoulders and get attitudes, we share a special smile and their cologne lingers. Later we smell the cologne and automatically smile, we see someone frown and we think of our annoyance, or we suddenly have an answer to someone’s query and can’t remember where we learned it.

There are strange friendships formed with random people. We find ourselves enjoying discussions and look forward to our next chance meeting. What is the reason these people are placed in our paths? Is there a higher power controlling these encounters? Or is it just plain simple chance? Whatever the reason for these acquaintances it helps us to grow and learn, and we should be grateful for these experiences. When we listen as well as talk we open our minds, we learn, and we think. We engage in conversations that interest us and these are the opportunities where we can immerse ourselves in topics that might not normally be part of our everyday existence.

While I do not like the vitriol that often accompanies political arguments before elections, I do enjoy the well-informed sharing of ideas. For the most part I admit that there has been no FaceBook discussion that has changed my mind about who to vote for, but when these cyber friends are willing to share researched and verified facts I like to absorb the information, and it is especially welcomed when they are willing to listen to other verified facts, even those that present another view; for me I have more clarity and confidence in my perspective and decisions. 

And while you may ask how we both present true facts and yet still disagree on our chosen candidate, we each have priorities and what may be important to me is not necessarily the most important to someone else. In Junior High School I had a teacher who taught us how to debate by arguing the side we did not believe in; he said that it taught us how to see things from other viewpoints and it certainly did.

Of course the people I believe have had the most influence in my life are my immediate family members: my parents, my sister, my husband and my children. These are the people who have taught me how to love unconditionally and still feel entitled to my own opinions. My parents, now long gone, left me lessons that help me work out problems and challenges even now, many years later. My family has shown me that true love means seeing someone’s faults and Laurels and still knowing how deeply you need and love that person.

My daughter once countered me during a disagreement by saying that we had only ourselves to blame for raising our children to think “for themselves”, something which, to be perfectly honest, I greatly respect them for. I learn from each member by hearing and seeing things through their ears and eyes. So as they have thought for themselves and married people just as headstrong, they have easily shared their opinions and given us lots of “food for thought”.

Value every person that you cross paths with. Every person adds something to your life even if it was just a momentary contact. Treasure the good experiences and rely on those memories when you need encouragement — and, while I hope they are few and far between, use the negative moments to help you make decisions which will avoid the disappointments in the future. 

...

Unconditional Love ~ #MondayBlogs

Loving someone unconditionally does NOT mean loving them blindly. You need to really know a person in order to love them, faults and all. And it’s okay to not always LIKE them and still LOVE them.

Parents and offspring have been knocking heads together since Adam and Eve had their sons. Never, ever withhold love from a child. Never make them feel that you won’t love them anymore if they struggle in school. It’s alright to let your child know when you are not happy with his actions, that there are consequences for breaking the rules, but NEVER, ever make him feel that he has lost your love. Don’t crush her spirit, destroy his self-confidence, or make her feel alone. A child should always feel the security of her parent’s love.

There are many ways to love, family love between parents and children or siblings, love between friends, love between lovers or spouses, or even love for pets. Love can fill your heart with warmth and happiness; you care deeply about another living being. Love is not dependency although you can’t imagine a world without the one you love in it. Love is not a chore, although it is worth any work you put into it. Love is not a possession even though you want to claim it for your own.

When you love a person for who he or she really is, then you understand his faults and love him anyway. If you claim to love someone but won’t see who he really is, then you merely “love” a fantasy you created and loving only what you want to see. Love without conditions — without limits is a true love, it is deep and real.

Love is a wonder.

A Few of My Favorite Things

A Day to Be Grateful...

Traditionally Americans are coerced into reciting all of the things they are thankful for before feasting on gluttonous meals yearly on the fourth Thursday in November. Several other cultures celebrate similar days of thanks as well. Hopefully each one of us remembers to appreciate and be grateful for all that we have the other 364 days in the year.

Before I sit at my family's Thanksgiving table tomorrow, I wanted to take the time to thank all of my readers - blogs, books and articles - and all of my social network friends for allowing me room in their lives. My wish for each of you is to have many, many, MANY reasons to be grateful every day.

I feel the need to mention just some of the things I thank G-d for everyday: My husband, our children and their soul-mates, our combined siblings and their families, our cousins, extended family and mishpocha (relatives through blood & marriage), our cats and other family pets,the professionals I get to work with in a job I love, my publisher and fellow authors at VHP, the friendships I've made through work, a warm home, my needs being met and lots of hopes and dreams we are all working towards. I am thankful for so many of the people I've known in my life, even several who are no longer present, and the experiences and joys I've been allowed to see. I've been blessed to find some of my closest friends among the very people I call family, and friends who have become family. I can earnestly say It IS a Wonderful Life.

May you and yours enjoy all of the goodness 

and blessings of the day

 and forever have reason to be thankful! 

This is dedicated to the ones I love...

Friendship, when the ship sets sail ~ #MondayBlogs

While I do have some friends from childhood, and at my age that is a long time, there are some who have long since disappeared from view.

In a way it’s sad because of the memories of fun times, but in some ways it’s healthy because it can mean growth and maturity. I am not the same person I was way back in junior high school when best friend Sondra and I were inseparable. That doesn’t mean I don’t still feel a fondness for my friend and wonder from time to time how she is doing. Our lives obviously took us in different directions and, as I am sure she has, I’ve made other friends and experienced different adventures.

Once in a while you are lucky to connect with someone who does become a seemingly permanent fixture in your life; these are the people that you’ve grown with, shared common interests and yet have managed to retain your own identity. Whether gone from your present or still around, every friendship you’ve shared brings riches to your life that helps to make you who you are.

Of course there are the rarities, the friends who are so much a part of your life that you couldn’t possibly think of your life without them – I am lucky to have a few of those too. I married one and another I was blessed to share parents with… and of course there are two I gave birth to, lol. And yes I have a few “BFFs” that I’m not related to as well.

This is a salute to friends both here and gone and a thank you for being in my life. I’ve enjoyed our adventures, appreciated the support, cared about you and learned from you. All my friends will always have a place in my heart.

Hola Salud नमस्कार Goededag Cześć Bonjour Shalom 汝好 & Hello

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