Dealing With Critical People

 

Let's face it, we all know someone like this, someone who seems to find something wrong with everyone around you and often questions why you even bother with "your friends"… sometimes they might even criticize you.

 

Why do they do that? Some of these critics are really very nice and intelligent people so is it really their own low self-esteem that makes them this way as was suggested by a few mental health reporters. How do you deal with their constant barrage of insults and complaints?

 

First LISTEN to what they are saying. I am not saying take it to heart, as a matter of fact you shouldn't take any of their words personally. Some of these people are actually well meaning and seeing the world only they way the want to see it — so they are trying to help, maybe even teach. This doesn't mean you should stay quiet and let their barbs land on you, but don't argue. Tell them calmly that it doesn't make you feel very good when they always criticize you and ask them if they would take the time to explain what they see. Especially if hey are professional in some field that they are referring to  they might actually be helpful.

 

If however the individual takes this as an invitation to berate you even more, then you know they are just "happier" being miserable. And you don't have to put up with that. Tell them firmly, still not angrily, that you will not accept their insults or condemnations. There is a story about Buddha that you might even take to heart:

 

Buddha was well known for his ability to respond to evil with good.  There was a man who knew about his reputation, and he traveled miles and miles and miles to test Buddha. When he arrived and stood before Buddha, he verbally abused him constantly; he insulted him; he challenged him; he did everything he could to offend Buddha.

Buddha was unmoved, he simply turned to the man and said, “May I ask you a question?”

The man responded with, “Well, what?”

Buddha said, “If someone offers you a gift and you decline to accept it, to whom then does it belong?”

The man said, “Then it belongs to the person who offered it.”

Buddha smiled, “That is correct.  So if I decline to accept your abuse, does it not then still belong to you?”

The man was speechless and walked away.

If this person is simply being critical with no attempt at helping or teaching you, or if they are generally critical about everyone they speak about, be kind. Yes it sounds more like they are sensitive about their own performance, or the way they are seen be others. Without being effusive or phony, find something encouraging to say about them… admire an achievement, sincerely ask for their help on something, thank them for their suggestion. It's quite possible you might even see a change in their manner of speaking to you. Still though, if you need to, gently remind them that they may have hurt you with the way they've said something.

 

In the long run you might find even more of a friend than you thought you had before. And, if it doesn't work, then minimize the time you spend alone with this person. It's worth a try.

What did 2020 teach you?

 

2020 was a horrific year. But there were a few upsides to the year: we learned how to spend quality family time in our households; we learned how to cook and not be so dependent on going out to eat; we learned creative ways to stay in touch with family and friends outside of the household; we learned that living room carpets were a good place to practice Yoga; and most of all I think we learned to value our families.

For each of us 2020 presented different challenges, but many of us tried to keep ourselves and our loved ones safe by wearing masks (even if we hated them... the masks, not the family). Some weathered tremendous financial losses when businesses shut down. The CDC is now saying “close to 100 million people have had it, close to 45 million have been sick by it and around 2.5 million people have been to the hospital for it”. And let us not forget that more than 350-thousand have died from it.

There were also many acts of generosity and heroism. Many folks helped others by providing food at foodbanks, some even started local foodbanks in their communities, dropped off clothes and coats at local collection centers, and supported local restaurants by ordering take-out/pick-up service. Teachers went above and beyond by not only appearing on ZOOM to teach students, but some even made deliveries of school items to students’ homes and gave their students extra attention and help when possible. Nurses, doctors, Paramedics, EMTs and other first responders worked around the clock caring for those who were stricken by the disease

Some businesses tried to help by offering discounts, rebates, and delivery services. Restaurateurs delivered free food to overworked EMS agencies and healthcare workers. People in metropolitan and suburban areas displayed signs thanking essential workers and cheering daily at 6PM. Video App companies made it possible for holiday family “gatherings” as close as your computer or cell phone. Streaming services hosted special entertainment and performances. And museums, educational conventions, libraries, and some religious institutions went online so no one had to miss out on sights, lessons, and comfort that people wanted.

When this all simmers down, hopefully soon, what will be the things we take from our myriad of experiences? It’s my personal hope that we will take with us a sense of community, the knowledge that even as we sat isolated in our homes, we were never truly alone. I hope that the fact that so many of the poor and homeless were affected disproportionally will strengthen our commitment to help all, that we are all neighbors, that we are all human beings. It would be nice to move forward with feelings of generosity, concern, compassion, and humbleness. Maybe, just maybe, we can cooperate with each other, no matter what gender, color, orientation, political ideology, religion, or economic status anyone is.

While we mourn our losses, let us also celebrate our strengths.

“Just do right. Right may not be expedient, it may not be profitable, but it will satisfy your soul. It brings you the kind of protection that bodyguards can’t give you. So try to live your life in a way that you will not regret years of useless virtue and inertia and timidity. Take up the battle. Take it up. It’s yours. This is your life. This is your world.” ~ Maya Angelou

Gimpy

Back at our old home in Rockland County, NY we got to see numerous deer and some other wildlife traipsing through our back yard. While the suburban town wasn’t exactly wide open spaces, we were close enough to a large park system and, let’s face facts, builders put our homes up and encroached on the wildlife homes more than a bit. We lived within (a long) walking distance to a busy roadway so, unfortunately, it wasn’t uncommon to find that a domestic pet that had gotten loose or a wild animal got hit by cars doing highway speeds. It was always heartbreaking.

There were a few trees in our backyard that visiting deer liked to eat from, they would congregate and take turns munching on the leaves. A favorite tree for “snacking” fell (literally) victim to a heavy wind and rain storm and was removed because it was blocking part of my neighbor’s driveway. Quite a few days later I noticed a group of deer feasting on the next tree whose branches didn’t come as close to the ground as the one that had fallen. I also noticed a smaller deer that was noticeably limping and looking longingly at the other deer munching; one of her back legs was twisted and she couldn’t stand on it long enough to reach the leaves she hungered for.

The other deer finished their munching and ran off leaving this poor little girl staring at the ground to see if any of the others had left her leaves. My heart broke for her and I broke a cardinal rule of mine. I never wanted to teach a wild animal to trust or depend on humans because unfortunately that could lead to their being hurt. I was on my second floor deck and I went to my fridge and got an apple, cut it into pieces and tossed them down towards her. She looked up at me cautiously and then sniffed the fruit I had tossed before gobbling it up, her hunger was evident.

I saw her a handful of times after that and occasionally tossed another apple or carrot her way, I never tried to approach her. Maybe it was only my imagination but she seemed to recognize me and I could swear she smiled. As the few weeks went by she seemed to be limping less and less and when she saw me on the deck she even came closer and did a little dance step as if to show me she was healing. Then the day came when she was able to use her back legs enough to reach the leaves from the “deer tree” as I called it and with leaves in her mouth she came back towards the deck and looked up at me and munched. Eventually she had healed enough to begin to run with her pack again and after a while it became difficult to pick her out of the group because she didn’t even limp anymore.

We moved from there a year and a half ago and I often think of the deer I came to affectionately call “Gimpy” – no it wasn’t exactly a politically correct name, but I thought of her with a lot of fondness. I hope that Gimpy is still doing well and I thank her for letting me see the healing process and the gratitude she showed me.

Today we live in a much more countrified and open area. While several homes dot the land there are many species of wildlife that we see in our yards and neighborhood including deer and even coyotes, bears and wild turkeys. I get the impression that the animals have allowed us to live amongst them (no hunting is allowed so they treat it as THEIR sanctuary) and we more or less get along peacefully. I admit, like many of my neighbors, I often toss vegetable and fruit scraps in areas where the deer and squirrels come to munch and while I still do not encourage them to come to me, they will stand a few yards away and watch me (cautiously).

Sometimes while I am sitting on my back deck, much closer to the ground this time, I look up to see a deer at the gate just watching me. Although we are miles away from where we used to live, in my fantasies I sometimes wonder if Gimpy had passed my description along to have her friends check in on me.

Appreciation

“We are on this planet but once, and to spend it holding back our gushing appreciation of the things that light us up is a shameful waste.” ~ Jen Sincero

          Some people find it very easy to say the word “Thanks” whether they truly mean it or not. For many it still is a welcomed word to hear, others may hear a “Thanks, but…” when it isn’t sincere. Perhaps we should be grateful for the speaker’s civility and the attempt to acknowledge our efforts, after all there are far too many times when our extra efforts are just, expected.

Although most people do a job well out of self-pride, or hold a door because that is how we were taught to do, or give a thoughtful gift just because we want to bring a smile to someone’s face, it still is wonderful to know that our actions are appreciated. I recently read an acknowledgment page in a fellow author’s book (Brenda Hill, With Full Malice) and upon seeing my name listed it filled me with a nice feeling that I was thought of and remembered for simply answering a (medical) question.

It doesn’t take a huge life changing action to do something to help another person, and it shouldn’t take that huge life changing action to be appreciated. We remember our school teachers that always seemed to fill our learning with excitement. We remember our parents for feeding and clothing us. We might even remember a doctor who helped us through some physical pain. But how often have we really taken the time to say “Thank you” and really mean it? How often have we shared our appreciation with remembrance and even passing along a kindness?

Don’t take advantage of the folks who have made your life better, no matter how minor or major their actions might have been. Get into the habit of letting someone know that they have made even a part of your day a little more pleasant, or your life a whole lot easier. Let your children know the joy they bring to you daily, and let your parents know how much you appreciate every time that they put you first. If you are a boss your employee’s paycheck may be very welcomed, but also letting him/her know that you appreciate the good job she is doing will make her day that much more pleasant.

Showing your sincere gratitude has benefits not only for the recipient but also for you: “Tossing off the half-hearted "thanks" won't cut it; deep gratitude has to come from within and in a meaningful way. This spotlights the highly social aspect of feeling grateful. Gratitude is also getting a great deal of attention as a facet of positive psychology: Practicing gratitude means paying attention to what we are thankful for to the degree of feeling more kind and compassionate toward the world at large.” (Psychology Today)

And in that vein of practicing sincere gratitude, I am thankful for each and every one of my blog readers and those that follow me on social media. Your support is a great part of why I love what I do.

Positivity ~ #MondayBlogs

It seems like the world is "going to hell in a hand-basket"

It is frightening, mind-boggling, despairing and frustrating to hear of tragedy upon tragedy in our country and abroad. Just about every news report contains scenes of grieving families, funerals, anger,and so much more negativity.

Whatever feelings you have about alleged perpetrators or police officers - who is right or who is wrong - it cannot be denied that when ANY parent/family is left to mourn a loss, it is a tragedy.

When a local legislator receives a threatening picture where his head is superimposed over an ISIS beheading... it's unbelievable. And when we hear of journalists and aid workers being kidnapped and beheaded, it's appalling.

What kind of world are our children growing up in? They worry about terrorism, disturbed individuals with weapons (guns, knives,cars,etc.) causing massive damage. Of course there are the natural (and unnatural) disasters such as weather/storms,fires, floods, quakes and sinkholes to add more uncertainty to our daily existence.

Where is the innocence that a child should be able to enjoy?

Have we reached a point where we should just throw our hands up in surrender? I don't plan to.

Too often we've seen strangers pulling together in times of despair, Even young adults have formed organizations to offer help for worthy causes. Professional first responders, police, fire, and EMS (both paid and volunteer) are heroes who answer our calls for help. Medical science has made advances to treat many conditions that once were considered death sentences and research continues in other serious conditions.

I once heard someone say that every morning the sun rises is a sign of hope. It is. Every day we begin with a fresh start, and new chance to get something positive done. Make it your daily focus to offer a hand, make someone smile, feed a soul, pray or wish for something good to happen for those around you, to offer a compliment...

Make every day you have count - make your life a reason to do something good for our world.