What does FAMILY mean?

 

Family is more than just a biological connection. It's love and friendship, it's being there when you are needed… and sometimes when the other person doesn't even realize how much they need your comfort and support.

There's the nuclear family, the one you are born into, usually parents and children. Sometimes you are born into the hearts of your parents (adoption). When you are little, this family seems to be your whole world. If you are lucky there are aunts and uncles, cousins, maybe grandparents… As you grow your family takes on other forms, a marriage, your own children, in-laws, and sometimes close friends.

So how do you cope when the people you count on to be there for you as family turn their backs? How far do you push when the other person has no interest in BEING family? It's never easy to close the door on someone you called family, sometimes though they leave you no other options.

I have friends who have been abandoned by those they thought would be there for them in times of turmoil and it's sad. They've told me stories of being excluded from these people's lives and sometimes even getting arguments because they didn't acknowledge an event that they were never even told about.

Sometimes a person whom you accepted as family (maybe they married in) and continued to think of them that way even after the actual blood connection has been lost, may feel the need to "divorce" themselves from that side of the family. It's heartbreaking to lose yet another family member, but there is really nothing you can do about it.

Cling to those who hold you dear and don't waste time on those who seem to have simply forgotten you. Focus on the people who surround you with love and caring, and who allow you in when they need some love and caring as well. THAT is your family.

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A Matter of Privacy ~ #MondayBlogs

On one side of my family all of the older female relatives literally celebrated, via phone calls, every related teen-girl’s first menses (kind of ala The Red Tent). The other side of my family keeps things so private that even emergency hospitalizations aren’t shared outside of the immediate household until there’s a casual conversation after the release of the patient.

There has GOT to be some middle ground.

I truly believe that families have the right to know about serious health issues and semi-major family crises. You certainly don’t need to share bedroom “stuff”, salaries, spats between household members or things that are told to you in confidence by another family member (unless of course someone’s safety is involved). And when things go awry in life it definitely helps to talk out your angst with someone you can trust.

It was even suggested that if you really need to talk about something that is making you lose sleep, pay a therapist to listen instead of calling your sibling or a close cousin! While there is a time and place for therapy, most worries just need to be aired, a chance to vent, a chance to be coddled for a few minutes. I am not talking about calling a relative to overrule something the spouse wants to do, getting permission or plotting — I’m talking about keeping yourself from being tied up in knots with worry and upset.

I know of couples who won’t allow their spouse to even go to the doctor’s waiting room with them for an appointment, and I also know of couples who will only make appointments when their spouse is available to go with them to talk to the doctor together. Sadly I also know couples who won’ even share the results of crucial medical tests with each other. I used to ride an ambulance as an EMT and a few times I responded to a call where the other household members had no idea what medical conditions the patient had or why they were taking medications… undeniably sad and even a bit scary.

How much sharing is comfortable for you? How much privacy do you need?

I’ve often wondered how many of the “emergency contacts” on forms and in our phones actually have information about the person they are supposedly able to answer for. And why for gosh sakes would someone’s offspring think that mom and dad no longer worry about them even when they live out of the house?

Yes, I do agree that there are things that needn’t be discussed, but there is so much more that should be. Families especially need to be able to rely on one another even if they are under separate roofs. Even unrelated roommates need to know somethings about each other such as where they work and if (and where) they are headed off for a weekend of fun so that is SOMETHING, ANYTHNG unexpected happens, at least the police can get in touch when they need to!

To quote John Donne, “No Man Is an Island” and we cannot create walls as complete insulation between us. We each live, work and play with other human beings and there needs to be just a bit where the lines we draw around ourselves actually overlap and mingle. Honestly you shouldn’t surround yourself with folks that you can’t even trust enough to share who you are with.

I’d love to hear your opinions about privacy…

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A mother’s wish ~ #MondayBlogs

Siblings are often the first childhood playmates and friends; in some families depending on proximity and emotional closeness, cousins are the next best thing especially for an only child. Every mother and father can relate to the dull ache inside that is caused when these childhood buddies fight and hurt each other (emotionally) — if the fighting and hurt progresses to physical damages, the pain and fear becomes sharp and unbearable.

As our children grow into adulthood and parents, aunts and uncles get older, we worry that our dear, sweet children might not stay close and be there for each other during the good as well as bad times.

It’s a reality that not every sibling shares common interests with the other and perhaps, except for their mutual parentage, they might not otherwise be friends. Just like any longtime friendship life does change, love interests and spouses take priority, perhaps their own children enter the picture, and siblings become part of the extended family that time must be made for. When and if our children marry, or take lifelong partners, we do breathe sighs of relief that they will always have someone to stand by them, but we still hope that their siblings will also be there to love and support when we can no longer be there for them. The household (occupants), work, location, and other obligations can often put a major dent into the time each has for their brother(s) or sister(s).

When there are more than two siblings or there are several years of age difference, the dynamics can be very different. Two may be closer to each other than three or more. There may be an unequal distribution of common interests. Eventually mates might be friendlier with one of their in-laws and encourage that closeness between the siblings. Even couples who each have siblings they grew up with can cause a shift in family dynamics when my side/your side becomes an issue. And it can certainly cause undue strain when opposing siblings actually do oppose each other.

Maturity and life can also make siblings realize how much they like having a brother or a sister. On their own or in a relationship, grown siblings have their own “space” to retreat to which reduces the childhood arguments about possessions. Once teasing words lose their sting just a bit as the adults hear more than insults, or they learn to pick their battles and hopefully overcome the childhood arguments and hurts. Aging parents can bring siblings closer as they fear the inevitable loss and they cease their jealous vying for parents’ attention. Employment and recognition at different workplaces helps to feed egos and lets each feel as if they have escaped “the shadow” and constant comparisons. It is often easier for the adult sibling to become a friend to the other.

We moms and dads want to know that our children are set for life even when we are no longer present to help them, love them and try to soothe them when they hurt. There comes a time when parents can only hope that family love, years of growing up together and a common history will be enough to glue their children together for life.

A Few of My Favorite Things

A Day to Be Grateful...

Traditionally Americans are coerced into reciting all of the things they are thankful for before feasting on gluttonous meals yearly on the fourth Thursday in November. Several other cultures celebrate similar days of thanks as well. Hopefully each one of us remembers to appreciate and be grateful for all that we have the other 364 days in the year.

Before I sit at my family's Thanksgiving table tomorrow, I wanted to take the time to thank all of my readers - blogs, books and articles - and all of my social network friends for allowing me room in their lives. My wish for each of you is to have many, many, MANY reasons to be grateful every day.

I feel the need to mention just some of the things I thank G-d for everyday: My husband, our children and their soul-mates, our combined siblings and their families, our cousins, extended family and mishpocha (relatives through blood & marriage), our cats and other family pets,the professionals I get to work with in a job I love, my publisher and fellow authors at VHP, the friendships I've made through work, a warm home, my needs being met and lots of hopes and dreams we are all working towards. I am thankful for so many of the people I've known in my life, even several who are no longer present, and the experiences and joys I've been allowed to see. I've been blessed to find some of my closest friends among the very people I call family, and friends who have become family. I can earnestly say It IS a Wonderful Life.

May you and yours enjoy all of the goodness 

and blessings of the day

 and forever have reason to be thankful! 

This is dedicated to the ones I love...