It gets frustrating when all YOU
want to do is come up with constructive ways to improve a situation. You don’t
start off criticizing or even talking about different viewpoints… maybe you are
just trying to get folks involved. Not every argument is personal or about your
relationship.
But along comes that ONE PERSON who
just has to throw in a nasty about someone, dredges up something from the
far-away past that has NOTHING to do with the discussion, and like a mad-dog,
attacks. And then a bunch of people just jump on the bandwagon to throw nasty
barbs around and no one even mentions the original issues anymore.
SIMPLY FRUSTRATING!
Some psychologists say that people
who NEED to argue are doing it to boost their own self-esteem; they feel the
need to impose their way to feel important. I imagine when they were young,
they might have been the school-yard bullies, or maybe they were the ones
picked on and now feel the need to attack before they are.
Unfortunately arguing back seems to
only build their feeling of importance, maybe because they are getting such
strong reactions and it seems to feed their needs. So really the best way to
deal with the compulsive arguer is to just ignore them — I don’t think that is
the easiest method for most of us and unfortunately things just seem to intensify.
It may take near super-human
efforts, but the “experts” recommend not feeding into the arguments. Don’t try
to make the aggressor see things your way. Don’t attack back. Ask questions,
let someone explain their feelings. Do not let the aggressor, or you, make it
personal. If you can, without confronting, try to steer the conversation back
to the original intent; ask how he/she would recommend solving the ORIGINAL
problem. Above all, stay calm (yes, if you are like me that might take counting
SILENTLY to ten several times, lol).
If things are completely
out-of-control, maybe you need to find a way to END the argument (preferably
without coming to blows!). Try not to walk away in anger. Let the person know
that they have been heard, whether or not you agree. If at all possible, find
common ground in resolving the original issue. If there is anyway to think
about the issue from their perspective, try, and let them know you are looking
at it from their point of view. One way you MIGHT be able to end the argument
is to suggest taking the time to think about it. Unfortunately, though,
understand that some people won’t want to end the argument and you will have to
find a way to walk away… even if it is just an excuse.
It’s difficult to get anything done
constructively when there are those who are more interested in a power play or
giving themselves a VOICE (possibly in the only way they think they can be
heard). The sooner you can de-escalate the argument, the more chance you have
to get back to your original purpose to possibly unite a group, initiate
actions, or just simply raise interest. Remember that everyone will see things
in a different way, it does pay to listen, but it also doesn’t mean that anyone
needs to be berated or tormented.
Remember, smile and stay calm. Never
lose your motivation. Don’t get discouraged.
