Grief

We've all experienced it, it's that ache inside your chest that has led to the common and anatomically wrong description of "a broken heart". Your heart may feel like it's breaking over the loss of a parent, a sibling, a pet, or any loved one. Sometimes grief strikes over the ending of a way of life, the loss of a dream, a worrisome medical diagnosis, or the breaking of a cherished object, but there it is.  Grief never leaves, it is just something that you learn to live with.

 

No one's grief is as intent or paralyzing as another's. No one solution will work for all to put grief away in a tidy little box and only visit it occasionally. A response from someone may seem callous at first… just get over it… it might be that person's inability to process or deal with their own fear of grief. Grief is like a fingerprint and different for each person, and even different for one person dealing with more than one loss. Grief's five letters, like fingers of a hand, will slap you until you can no longer turn away.

 

The past two years have been tough on so many, Covid deaths and losses, isolation from loved ones, failed businesses, lost income, and so many lost opportunities. Yes, things MAY be easing now, but it's so much time lost, so many changes. So many of us are confused between our anger and our sorrow. So many of us just want to resume our NORMAL lives, but we can't, we can't rewind to a time we felt safer and more connected. So many of us are struggling. So many are mourning losses, time, missed events, missed memories, and now we are just expected to resume our lives as if nothing ever happened.

 

If you are struggling, there is help…

The Suicide Prevention Lifeline

1-800-273-8255

Veterans’ Crisis Line

1-800-273-8255 press 1

National Drug Helpline

1-844-289-0879

Reach out, for yourself and for others

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Who will remember me?

I went to a shiva call the other night (shiva: In Judaism, the first period of structured mourning. Throughout the shiva period, mourners come together in the mourner’s home to offer their condolences and support.) Although it might sound odd to those who are not familiar with the custom, this shiva was truly what one should hope for.

Yes, everyone offered their condolences and concern for the bereaved, but then the house was filled with smiles, chuckles, and remembered stories to share. The table and counters were laden with trays of cookies, cakes, fruits and hot foods — all brought by visitors or sent by friends to help “take care” of the grieving family.

The house was full, so much so that there was barely a place to sit, with friends who knew the deceased (some from early childhood), knew the mourning family, and distant relatives. The woman had been a teacher and former students and her fellow teachers came, neighbors stopped in, members of her social club. There were a lot of people filled with love.

Seeing how this woman touched so many lives and how many people loved her makes someone wonder at their own mortality and how she will be remembered when her time comes. Of course I know my immediate family will be there and most probably some cousins and even a neighbor or two… but will the funeral chapel be filled and will my loved ones’ home be filled with people who remember me and who will help to ease the grief?

I’ve been haunted by a funeral I once attended. She was, in my heart, a wonderful person, but she had survived all of her blood family and many long-time friends. There was a storm the day of the funeral and while she had been active in her local community, she had pre-made her arrangements in a funeral home that necessitated public transportation for her neighbors to attend. Between those that weren’t left to mourn her passing, the horrible weather, and the distance from her small circle of friends, there were only five of us (plus the officiant) in the chapel. Six people to send her on her way. Six.

When it is my time, will there be a houseful of people to remember me, or only a mere handful to send me off? Which one will I be? I hope that people will laugh and smile, I hope that I will be remembered fondly, and I hope there will be warm hearts to surround my loved ones and help them to move on.

He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much;

Who has gained the respect of intelligent men and the love of little children;

Who has filled his niche and accomplished his task;

Who has left the world better than he found it;

Who has looked for the best in others and given the best he had;

Whose life was an inspiration;

Whose memory is a benediction.

~ Robert Louis Stevenson

Have a good life ~ #MondayBlogs

Pain and grief are personal.

No two people will feel the same pain. For nearly 30-years as a NYS EMT I always asked my patients, as we were all trained to do, "on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the worst pain you ever felt, how bad is your pain?"

The real truth is that one person's "6" may be another person's "10" while someone's "8" barely gets a "2" elsewhere. It doesn't matter, it's all PAIN. As 1st responders we needed to know how the patient was managing the pain, was it getting worse or was it (hopefully) getting better?

It's the same with emotional pain, how we deal with it is individual. Two widows after losing their mates of many years will react differently and neither way is wrong or right. The same goes for other personal tragedies and losses, we all have to find our own ways to cope.

For some people the return to "normal" life takes longer than others, and for some the return never seems to happen. Is it wrong for a young mother to still cry years after a miscarriage, even when she has other children? Or for a man in his 50's to be angry after being hustled out of a long time job he's held for years? 

Human reactions are just that... human - and they are personal.

Somewhere down the line though we do need to regain some living potential again no matter how deep the wounds are. We need to allow ourselves the chance to heal even if it means we never lose our scars. Yes, there are people around us that need us to LIVE again, but we owe it to ourselves not to waste away.

A good friend of mine likes to say "Just put one foot in front of the other..." Healing is a process and no one expects you to ignore the wound or the scars it leaves. But if you let bitterness consume you or never stop crying, think of how much you will continue to lose.

It is so much harder than just these words, but somehow you have to find a way of focusing on what you still have whether they are memories or other loved ones. Whatever is in your past has made you who you are today and who you are is important, don't throw it away.

When I feel down and mourn loved ones no longer here (physically) I remind myself of the 5 of Cups Tarot Card and realize that I need to focus on the positives in my life. 

When my paternal grandfather died and I saw my dad crying I swore to him that I never wanted to grow up because growing up meant people got old and died. After laughing and calling me Peter Pan, he told me that yes, people do die but he was very glad to have grown up, met my mom and had my sister and me. He made me see that life is always giving us new things and we should never ignore the new joys. Years later I miss my parents very much, but I take such joy in my own husband and children. Daddy was right, I would never want to miss out on the life I have now.

I've been told that I have a Pollyanna outlook on life and that I am always looking for the bright side. In reality, I just want to live.

"I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me
and 90% of how I react to it."
~ Charles R. Swindoll 

The Five of Cups is a Tarot card that signifies difficulty, loss, and the challenges of dealing with that loss. The figure in the card wears a black cloak in which he hides his face in apparent despair. At his feet are five cups, three of which have fallen and spilled onto the ground and the other two behind his back remain standing. He does not seem to notice these upstanding cups because he is so focused on the fallen cups instead. Ahead of him a powerful river flows between himself and a castle or home in the distance. To his right is a bridge that can lead him to the security of the house across the river. Despite the fact that this card has a strong indication of loss and tribulation, there is a positive aspect that must be considered. Is your cup half full or half empty?

The Way We Grieve ~ #MondayBlogs

September is an emotional month for many, there are the memories of 9/11 and all the lives lost and so many of us, even those fortunate not to be personally touched, still tear up and mourn the loss of lives and innocence. This year the Jewish Holy Days of Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur happened in September; on Yom Kippur we (Jews) say a memorial prayer for the departed and remember our loved ones who are no longer with us on this earth. There are also other times throughout the year for us to remember and pay homage to those who have left their earthly presence.

Why do we keep reminding ourselves of these losses? It is important to remember our loved ones and even the ancestors we never met except for the stories we were told. We hold onto our memories, but we are not supposed to drown ourselves in sorrow. We are not supposed to stop living. In the memorial prayer we say on Yom Kippur we pledge charity in the name(s) of our departed loved ones to bring some good into the world. Life goes on.

There are natural stages of grief and most of us really have to take the journey, it's just being human:

1. Denial and Isolation

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

Some casual family friends recently suffered an unexpected loss. Their large extended family and good friends immediately encircled the grieving family being there to show their love, lend shoulders, carry tissues, cook and care for the mourners. Their pain over their loss was there, but the feeling of being left alone in the world wasn't. Like a child who fears losing his or her parents, those left behind wonder who will be there to take care of us, to comfort us, to guide us and it doesn't matter what age you are or how independent you've lived your life.

People who come to pay their respects don't always know what to say to someone who is mourning. Talk about the person, share your memories (memories to mentally hold onto are the most precious gift). Don't ignore the painful truth, that a loved one has died, but don't make that the sole focus of your conversation. Avoid minimizing their feelings or trying to make them see how much worse things could be. Even a few attempts at mild, polite humor are not out of line.

If you are planning to offer comfort to a grieving family, it may be a good idea to know the mourning and funeral customs if they are people of faith. Each religion has specific traditions they follow. If you would like to learn more about these different customs, check out  Funeral Traditions Of Different Religions (http://bit.ly/1MA1kRY)

May you all enjoy long happy lives surrounded by loved ones

“Because I can count on my fingers the number of sunsets I have left,
and I don't want to miss any of them.” 
― Suzanne Collins, Catching Fire